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mom wont talk to me

so i was adopted by my mom when i was seven, well im 21 now and i have been looking for my birthdad for years now, i came across his profile on myspace and friend requested him, well i told my mom and she wont talk to me anymore, its been almost two mos, she wont answer my calls, she even missed my sons first birthday party. idk what to do, she knows i love her and never wanted to hurt her feelings but what am i supossed to do? wait till she dies to ever contact him?

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Asked by bennysmom519 at 2:29 AM on May. 20, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (12)
  • I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have every right to know your birthdad. I am an adoptive mom myself and if my son wants to see his birth parents I will support him to do so. I wish your mom would understand your feelings, that is what should matter the most. Hopefully she will know the love you have in your heart for her, and that it is okay you have enough love for everyone. I hope everything works out for all of you.

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 6:13 AM on May. 20, 2009

  • Wow this must be soo hard for you.
    I think maybe your mom doesn't want you to contact him for her personal reasons.. maybe she is afraid he will hurt you or your family in some way.
    I would send her a nice mom card, and write to her as to why you just want to be in contact with your dad.
    Also you could ask her what you should be concerned about when you start connection with your dad.
    I would mention that you missed seeing her at your son's party.. and that you really consider her to be a very important part of your family.
    I hope you will be able to work this out with her and at least make some contact with your birthdad.


    Answer by BrenMOM at 12:00 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • I'm so sorry! I often tell my extended family that it sure takes strong people to be a part of the triad. I think the moms on both sides sure face a lot of normal "female" feelings with their fears and things. It's not always this way but it could just be that your mom is so afraid (could be for any number of reasons) that she's unable to face those fears.

    Have you tried to sit down someplace neutral and tell her how much you need her? How your heart needs your mom to support you, to be there and reconnecting with your biofamily doesn't change her place in your heart and your need for her?

    I would tell her that you missed her at your son's birthday - and looking back, he'll wonder where grandma was at.

    Again, I'm sorry you're going thru this and I really hope it's able to be worked out and your family is stronger very soon.

    Warm hugs

    Answer by AAAMama at 12:47 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • Is there some reason that your mom would not want you to find him? You mention you have always wanted to find bd but maybe she's thinking bm? It can hurt as I well know. My youngest told me for 3 years she wanted to find her dad (mom was dead) and so I did even though it hurt. Did you let her know up front what you wanted to do? If so how did she react?

    Personally, I'd send her a card made by her darling grandson letting her know she was missed at his party. Include a few pictures to make sure she knows what she missed. There's a country song out there about how nothing melts a heart like a grandchild will and perhaps that's what you need to do.

    Answer by baconbits at 3:19 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • I would write her a letter and loving explain to her your thoughts and feelings. Hopefully she will realize that she is being unfair out of her own fear and hurt.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • It really stinks that she's behaving this way. When adoption happens the birth parents lose their parental rights. The adoptee doesn't agree to lose the right to know their birth parents. I bet your mom knows her birth dad, and so should you if that's your choice. However, it looks like you're the one who's going to have to be the bigger person and like the others suggested write to your mother and explain your feelings. I'm so sorry you've been put into this situation.


    Answer by onethentwins at 7:41 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • thanks everyone for the answers,
    i have called her a cuple times a day for the almost two mos. with no answer, no call back, i sent her a mothers day card, she ripped it up, i gave her a present for her birthday and i found out she just threw it in her closet, ive talked to my counsler about this and i just dont know what to do anymore, she wont take my calls, my mail, nothing...i guess i just need to wait.

    Answer by bennysmom519 at 7:55 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • My heart is so sad for you. I don't know what more to say than I'm so sorry. :(

    Warm hugs

    Answer by AAAMama at 9:09 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • I am so sorry that you are going through this. I like the idea someone gave of writing to her. I hope she will come around soon. She should be secure enough to know that this is not a threat to her relationship with you, but her refusing to talk to you can do damage. I will pray for you and your situation. {{HUGS}}

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:16 PM on May. 20, 2009

  • Ouch! I'm an adult adoptee who just started a search in earnest this last year. My adoptive mom has always been really open and inquiring about where I was in my "needing to search" as I grew up. I thought that because of this she would have been prepared for when I began, but there's the talking about being supportive and then facing the fears of what reunion might mean from the adoptive parents perspective.

    I'm so sorry, it sucks when I see my mom "silent" now and "subdued" in her reaction to my search news. It must be horrible to have such a dramatic and negative reaction.

    How is your reunion with your birth dad going though? I haven't found either of my birth parents....yet.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 10:49 PM on May. 20, 2009

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