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Should I want my adopted children to know their biological parents?

I have 2 adopted kids that I adore, I adopted them from my sister becuase she is a substance abuser. My kids know they are adopted. I have been thinking for awhile I wanted the kids to meet and see their biological dad, just so they would know who he is and where they came from. My kids are 6 and 7. Is this to young or should I even allow them to meet him?

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Tinamarie79

Asked by Tinamarie79 at 8:58 AM on May. 21, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (13)
  • Me personally i would wait until the kids asked to see him or asked questions about him.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 9:06 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would personally wait until they are older.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:27 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • Do your children have any inkling that you "know their birth parents"? You are their biological aunt through your sister right?

    While it is difficult when the reasons for adoption hinged on safety issues, if those issues are no longer a concern (as in with the birth dad) from an adoptees standpoint it could be extremely benefiicial to have a connection to a birth parent at this age.

    I reunited with my birth daughter at age 7 - it was a voluntary relinquishment on my part and I had no safety issues. Having the ability to ask those "hard adoption" questions to me - her birth mom - helped her in processing her life story. In comparing how she is doing as an adoptee with how I am doing as an adoptee of the closed era, I would advocate that open adoptions has made a positive difference for us.

    If you wait until they are older and then they find out you knew and didn't make it an option - are you okay with that?
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:27 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • WELL I REMEMBERED I WAS 6 YEARS OLD WHEN I READ MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN MEXICO,AND SAID I WAS AN ADOPTIVE CHILD,ID ASK MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHAT THAT MEAN,THEY CHANGED THE SUBJECT,THEN AT THE AGE OF 13, A RELATIVE TOLD ME JUST TO HURT ME THAT I WAS ADOPTED,FOR TOO LONG I WAS MAD AND HURT CAUSE THEY DIDNT TOLD ME THE TRUTH,THEY SAID THEY WAS WAITING TILL I GOT OLDER,I STILL WISHED TO KNEW EARLIER THEN THAT,ID WOULD LIKE TO MET MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
    mexicanbeauty

    Answer by mexicanbeauty at 1:49 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would be very cautious about your children seeing their birth mom. Mine were allowed, and now this is biting me in the butt. My daughter is pregnant and she screens her emails, will not allow her to talk to me. She is really making life rough. I would have times when you are there with them, because if they were an addict chances are they will be very manipulative in the situation.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:14 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would wait until they want to know, it may confuse them if you do it now even though they know they are adopted. good luck w/ what you decided.
    MAyers

    Answer by MAyers at 8:34 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I dont think it would be good to expose the kids to anyone with a substance problem,as for the dad,I say ask the kids,explain to them the situation and see what they say. I was adopted,though I have never met neither of my birth parents my adopted parents told me at a young age that I was adopted.The only thing that was hidden from me was that I was a product of rape,I found that out when I was 16.My adopted mom thought it would affect me emotionaly I guess.
    4mom247

    Answer by 4mom247 at 11:07 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • If they start asking questions about him, then I would allow them to meet him. They have a right to know. You may even want to ask them how they feel about it.
    abbynzachsmommy

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 12:02 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it. I adopted both the kids because the dad did not feel he could be a single Father and he knew I would take care of the kids also because my sister is on drugs and has been for years. Both my adoptive children know they are adopted, they came from Kimmy's belly and mommy's heart. They know my sister but we are not really close, I do not like her being in and out of their lives. The kids have asked about the dad, and recently found out he was robbed and stabbed and could have died, so I reached out to him and asked did he want to see the kids. He was very grateful and wants to see them, I talked to the kids and they are excited to see him.

    Tinamarie79

    Answer by Tinamarie79 at 6:38 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Tinamarie79,

    Good luck! Are you connected with any other triad members who are in an open adoption or who have navigated reuinion (other than here in the Q&A section)? If not, it can be really helpful to hear from how folks handled things well or how they would have wished they handled things differently. PM me if you wish and I can point to some that are helpful.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:15 AM on May. 22, 2009

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