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I need to have a very uncomfortable talk with my daughter's bff's mom

While helping my daughter with a report for school I came across some doodling that was very detailed verbally and visually of sex acts.I know my daughter's handwriting and how she draws people, this was not hers.I recognized the handwriting immediately and asked my daughter to confirm my suspician. My daughter was very upset and tried to tell me she did not know who made the drawings but finally admitted I was right.She tried hard to hide the identity and as she was crying she kept saying she didn't want her friend to get in trouble.My daughter is 8 and her friend is 10.
My gut reaction was, "that child will never spend the night at my house again." but I knew this was not the answer.I am very good friends with the mom who has told me about other instances which were blamed on someone else's child exposing her child to bad behavior like this.To me this is the elementary school version of sexting. Am I wrong?Advice please.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:11 AM on May. 21, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (10)
  • Show her the drawings. Talk to her like an adult and don't accuse her son until you know for sure it is him. Although you think your sure don't go into it looking like the accuser if you want to keep your friendship. Let her know that you will not allow this kind of stuff and it needs to stop now. YOu can even show it to the school and have them speak to her if you choose not to until they confront her.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 9:14 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • You could take the drawings to her mom say you found them and her daughter drew them. She will either deal with it or become defensive. If it were me I would just not let my daughter hang out with the child anymore but thats just me.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 9:16 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • hmm,if she is accusing other kids of exposing her child to bad things i am sure that when you confront her on this she is going to go postal,be ready for that.in my 30 yrs of motherhood i have learned one thing some moms dont believe there kids do anything wrong and if you acuse them they will go crazy on you.maybe get the evidence and maybe a email to prepare her(tell her there is something important you have to talk to her about)i had 2 incidents the daughter slapped my daughter.mom went postal.2nd the daughter scratched my daughter and threw her on the ground i talked to the mom and she went back and basically beat the crap out of the girl.which isnt what i wanted.now they dont play at all.so let me just say you are walking a slippery slop.
    raineydays377

    Answer by raineydays377 at 9:30 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • Dear RaineyDays, that is what I am afraid of, the mom's reaction to her daughter. As I said I am very good friends with the mom and know what a short fuse she has, and unfortunately I believe her daughter's advanced knowledge of the subject is from observing the mom and boyfriend's WAY to PDA. I am dreading this talk so much.
    ChenaBabe

    Answer by ChenaBabe at 9:48 AM on May. 21, 2009

  • that is very disturbing!.....if you know she is witnessing these types of acts then you need to intervene.....that is considered sexual abuse!.....we spent many years working with at risk youth....we saw these type situations all the time....in every situation it was ruled sexual abuse and the children were removed from the home.....the children also underwent extensive counseling for the damage that was done.....you are most definitely in a tough spot but something has to be done to protect that poor child from further abuse.....as well as protecting your own daughter from being exposed through this little girl!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would go through the school to deal with it. We had a similar situation, turned the drawings over to the school - since it was done at school, and then discouraged the relationship between the kids.

    I wouldn't go so far as to say abuse, because not knowing the whole of the situation mom might have tried to have the birds and the bees talk with the ten year old who is at an appropriate age to start talking about this and spoke in a way that her daughter might not be emotionally mature enough to handle - or an older brother or sister may be sharing recent 'enlightenment' gained the same way and the 10yo is passing on the favor in turn.

    That being the case I would put it in the hands of people who could tactfully explore the situation without flying off the handle. This is pretty common in kids in these age groups. The closer to the preteen years they get, the more this will come up.
    Kestrel1

    Answer by Kestrel1 at 4:51 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would also let the school deal with it. Once the picture is brought to their attention they HAVE to deal with it. There may or may not be some abuse at the root of this, but there does need to be some concern on their part and they are a more neutral party in this than you are.
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 5:15 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • I would take the drawings to the mother and tell her that you found them in your daughters room and want to know if she has seen anything like them before. Maybe she will reconize her childs hand writting and realize what happened. Either way she needs to know her child is drawing these pctures. Maybe it's time for her to have a talk about boundries and what's apprpriate.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:24 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • While this is a behavior you should definately address I am surprised as to all the parents thinking its inapporpiate and shocking. I liken this to the "play doctor" "ill show you mine if you show me yours" behaviors that curious children often participate in. Here is a link that explains normal curiousity verses inapporpiate tyoes, maybe it will help. I think this would be a great opportunity to talk about what is acceptable and unacceptable sexual behavior (in age appropriate way) , talk about her feelings and maybe give her the 'if something makes you feel uncomfortable" speech. I think she was at least interested in it or would not have kept the letter, its ok to be interested and if you make to big of a deal and make her think her friend is dirty and bad etc she may internalize these feelings and not feel like she can come to you in the future. rem. kids need guidance and acceptance and to feel safe when coming to you.
    divadelamort

    Answer by divadelamort at 8:57 PM on May. 21, 2009

  • P.s. there are some websites and books that go into what is age acceptable sexual behavior


    http://books.google.com/books?id=-MuQHyBR9dIC&pg=PA10&lpg=PA10&dq=what+is+normal+sexual+curiosity+in+8+year+olds&source=bl&ots=9JBP6GFp9f&sig=aEVJZxWchA8j9WEWwXDFdwnT6C8&hl=en&ei=QvUVSqPkL-ODlAeL8KzPCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6


    this is one link
    divadelamort

    Answer by divadelamort at 8:58 PM on May. 21, 2009

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