Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Do you say something or just leave it alone?

I lost my son in February of this year. I was told by the Dr's that it would be between 8 am and 11 am. My husbands parents had come up there the night before and knew that was going to be the time. They left that night and both were off work the next day and neither came up there that morning when they knew I would give birth and he wouldn't make it. Well if that wasn't bad enough, the day I got out of the hospital, we were at the funeral home/cemetary making funeral plans and got a phone call. "We're taking your stepson to Chuckie cheeses. Yall are going right?" And of course it was no. And the morning of the funeral didn't call to check on my husband! Our son had just died and never checked on him all they were worried about was taking his son to Chuckie Cheese. I'm still so hurt by this, and can't even be around them! Should I just let it go, or tell them how I Feel?

Answer Question
 
PeytonsMom21109

Asked by PeytonsMom21109 at 10:25 AM on May. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (28 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • I would tell them how you feel.
    LoriAnn87

    Answer by LoriAnn87 at 10:27 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • First off, I am SO sorry for your loss momma. At first I thought maybe they were trying to be respectful and give you space...until the Chuck E. Cheese thing. If it is weighing that heavy on you to where you can't even be around them, then I don't think you have a choice. You HAVE to talk to them about how you feel. You could write a letter (and rewrite and rewrite) so that you can get your words just right or you can sit down and have a heart to heart with them. How does your DH feel?
    MamaJen74

    Answer by MamaJen74 at 10:30 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • I would tell them how hurt you are. Everyone deals with grief differently and maybe avoiding it makes it less real to them. Sit them down and show them pictures and explain to them how hurt you and your husband both were.
    brailynsmama08

    Answer by brailynsmama08 at 10:30 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Wait a few days since you are so raw emotionally right now. The definitely speak your mind. They are being very callous to you and your family with there actions. I hope that you find peace and solace in these next months. I have been there and it tears out your very soul. If you ever need someone let me know.

    lostshel

    Answer by lostshel at 10:33 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Im sorry you lost your son. I think people who haven't been thru what you went thru aren't as sensitive to it. they havent bonded with the baby and they dont realize how much you have and how much grieving it takes. They dont know that you are grieving the loss of all these hopes and dreams and that your body aches for the child and everything in you tells you that a baby should be in your arms but its not. Honestly I feel your pain. I had a frend go thru this and she described all these feelings and everyone was surprised because they thought it would be easy since she never seen the baby...Maybe they were giving you what they thought you needed (taking care of your other child) Maybe they didnt realize you were going to grieve and your heart was broken...dont close them out, tell them about how hard of an experience this was for you and how it feels to go thru that and them being oblivious to your grief!
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 10:34 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • My husband is upset but says that if I told them how I felt, that it wouldn't make much of a difference! IF they had just left us alone, then I wouldn't be as upset, but the fact that they weren't there when he was born, knowing he wouldn't survive. I'm not mad that they weren't there for my son, or for me. Im mad that they weren't there for my husband.. And then to call me the day after our baby had just died asked us if we were going to chuckie cheese and was kind of upset that we said no! I'm civil around them, but I HATE being around them and hate going to any family functions so I feel like it's something I need to do, but at the same time.. I'm scared it'll make things worse and cause a huge family fight.
    PeytonsMom21109

    Answer by PeytonsMom21109 at 10:35 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • I am sure it has been a difficult time for all of you with the loss of your son. I am sorry you had to experience this loss.

    People grieve differently, you might ask your in-laws how they felt with what happened. They may have felt that they were trying to help by keeping the older child busy so he did not have to experience the pain that you & your husband were going through. They also may not know how to handle thier own pain around it.

    What is it that you want from your in-laws? An appology? Empathy?

    How important is the relationship to your family?

    How does your husband feel about what happened?
    He may be looking at it as this is normally how may parents are. Then this is not a new behavior.

    If this is important to you than having a open, honest, peaceful conversation with them & ask verses accuse them may help you to get through this quicker. It may just be a misunderstanding & could be cleared up fast
    LegacyKimberley

    Answer by LegacyKimberley at 10:39 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • I think that even though it is HORRIBLE what you went through (prayers) maybe they were just trying to respect your space. unless someone has been in that same situation you wouldn't know WHAT to do. Maybe they thought you wanted time alone. I know that is how my parents are. I would just let it go- you never know if you are angry at THEM or at the situatino that you have been through- no one can blame you! If you are mad for your husband, that is sweet- but HE needs to talk to them about it. Whenever we have family issues, I deal with my family and my husband deals with his. No matter who got hurt. It is just better that way- good luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • My stepson doesn't live with us. They drove over an hour and a half to go pick him up and bring him to the city we live in to go to chuckie cheese there, so they weren't trying to keep him busy. He didn't know what was wrong yet. I didn't want to tell him until I had calmed down, and my husband thought it was best to wait until the next weekend when we got him to tell him. I wish I could let it go, but it eats me up inside
    PeytonsMom21109

    Answer by PeytonsMom21109 at 10:58 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Take your husbands advice. He knows his parents best and loves you the most out of anyone in this situation. He's got your best interest at heart. His parents have shown you (in a rather inconsiderate, insensitive way IMHO) how they feel. You cannot change other people but you can change the way you think and behave. Take this incident as a lesson in how you never want to behave. Be an example of graceful acceptance. You must really be hurting now but the people who really care about you will do their best to help you. The ones who don't do not deserve the time or energy you're using to worry about it. You have so much better things to do, my friend! I'm sorry for your loss. PM me if I can be of help. Peace :)

    TessaBianca

    Answer by TessaBianca at 11:05 AM on May. 22, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN