Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How do you deal with grief? Do you wallow in it or do you keep it at a distance? Or somewhere in between?

This question puzzles me. I learned over the weekend that people are so different when it comes to grief and death. They deal with it differently and yet come to the same result. My husbands grandmother died last saturday night after battling COPD for many years. She was on the road to recovery and then last Thursday, she got up to use the bathroom when the nurse didnt come, passed out and hit her head. She hemmoraged in her head and died in 2 days. We are heartbroken. She was my childrens great grandmother and they loved her. We travelled to NC where her home is and my bil and sil came as well with their kids. We all kinda stood around to decide who would take her room and my niece wanted to. She clung to anything that was hers, and wore her jewelry. During the viewing, she just stood there and stared at her body and cried. My daughter, stood back and quietly looked. cont..

Answer Question
 
momofsaee

Asked by momofsaee at 11:29 AM on May. 22, 2009 in Just for Fun

Level 4 (56 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • She seemed to internally deal with her pain and comprehension of this. They are both teenagers. I didnt even get near the casket. I hate dead bodies and I dont want to stare and talk about how good they look. She did NOT look good. It didnt even look like her. I sat with my younger children on the back row and remembered the last day I visited with her in the hospital. I freely let the tears run down my face and I did not hide it, but I was not about to go up there and gawk at the body. My husband and brother never shed a tear. They were her grandsons, but they had a weird relationship. I m sad because I know my MIL is heart broken to lose her mother. I know that when the next birthday comes, there will be one less card in the mail. She ALWAYS sent cards to each of my kids without fail. I wanted to remember her like she was...talking and laughing with me on Mothers day. The last day I saw her. How do you deal?
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 11:34 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • I wish I knew. My Daddy passed 11 months ago tommorrow. And it still feels like yesterday to me. I cannot get over it. Everyone keeps saying you have to move on for your daughter, but I cannot let him go. I don't want to let him go. There is a huge part of me that thinks he is going to walk in the door. I haven't been to his grave yet and my mama and my sister are trying to make me go, but what they don't get is if I go there and I have to fully accept it I WILL lose it. I am barely hanging on right now. I choose to live in my own little world right now believeing he will be back. I know it is stupid and not "healthy", but it is all I can do right now.
    TeriMelisa

    Answer by TeriMelisa at 11:46 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • I have had to go through this more times then I would want to. When I was little and my uncle died (around 8 or 9), I didn't fully understand, so I stood back and wouldn't go near his body. When I was 19, my grandfather passed away (he raised me). I was still uncertain, but I did hold his hand and say goodbye. When I was 26, my oldest son died, and I cried for months. I had no problems touching him, but his little body was so swollen I was afraid to hold him because I thought I would hurt him. When I turned 30, my mom died on my couch. I tried to do CPR and I was able to hold her hand. Mostly, I keep my pain inside. I try to keep a strong face for my kids. I almost never think about my uncle, rarely about my grandpa (several times a year), a lot about my mom (several times a weeks), and daily about my son. In answer to your question, I can not afford to wallow in it. But I don't think I keep it so distant either.
    Amber115

    Answer by Amber115 at 11:50 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Oh, and I failed to mention, both my son and my mom are on my fireplace mantel. I have never been back to my grandpa's grave site or my uncles (mostly because they are in different states). And I think about calling my mom a lot. I still have her phone number in my phone just so I can see it. Ok, so maybe I wallow a little. :) :(
    Amber115

    Answer by Amber115 at 11:53 AM on May. 22, 2009

  • Oh Terimelissa....Hugs to you!.....I don't know how you feel, but I pray that you can get some closure in your heart and heal. I don't think its fair for someone to tell you to "get over it" Thats not something you get over, but you can get healing. You know what though.....Its okay to lose it. You will not flip out and go crazy. YOu are just afraid of what you will feel. You might cry so hard that you feel like the insides of you are coming out. Thats how you get healing though. Don't be afraid of it. YOu loved him and its normal to feel like part of you is missing. BUT, you need to do this in your own time. I didnt fully deal with my grandfather dying for the same reasons. I thought if I started crying, I would never stop. I did eventually. Now my memories of him are good ones.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 12:12 PM on May. 22, 2009

  • I keep my pain bottled up now that I have children. I try to be strong for them. They are only 10 and 12 (the two from my first marriage) and have lost quite a few people who they were very close to. Both paternal grandparents, my grandma, my aunt, their aunt who was a surrogate great grandma to them, their dad's best friend who they thought of as an uncle, their uncle, and other friends of the families. They were all in the last 4 years. They've dealt with cancer, heart attacks, strokes, suicide, old age, and an accidental shooting. I mostly try to do what I can for the immediate family, make a meal, babysit, etc., and cry and mourn in private. When it's someone I am particularly close with, I don't care if people see me cry, but I still try to keep my composure. I think I'm a little numb to death any more. It doesn't hit me right away. It will be a smell, or something on tv that will remind me of my them and make me sad.
    drowninginboys

    Answer by drowninginboys at 12:14 PM on May. 22, 2009

  • Amber...that does sound a little like wallowing...LOL...Not too bad though. See, having them on my fireplace would totally creep me out. Just like I opted to NOT sleep in my husbands grandmothers bed. I knew I would never sleep. It was weird even being in her house without her there, but I managed to deal with it. When I was about 6, my great uncle died and though I really didnt understand, I was forced to get near the body as the rows of people filed up for "one last look", which I think it stupid and weird, but as I got closer to the body, I flipped out. My dad was holding me and I was screaming out of fear, but he just kept me in his arms. To this day I will not get near a dead body for that reason. I guess I am overly paranoid...LOL
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 12:15 PM on May. 22, 2009

  • Ive lost alot of people in my life, just in the last 13yrs( im 25) ive lost my bestfriend, 1 uncle, 1 grandma, 2 great grandparents, my dad, 2 close friends.... In losing so many I have learned I greave over a period of time. slowly. I do go to the caskets & kiss their head, touch their hand & say my goodbyes. But I do it quickly Id rather remember them for who they where in life. I will cry quietly at the funeral & suddenly cry here & there over the next few years.. Im kinda reserved about it all & dont need attention or others around me.. i do hold on to keep sakes, but not many.
    MommaTasha1003

    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 12:58 PM on May. 22, 2009

  • Sorry for your loss. As you said we are all different and deal with it in our own way. I always found it weird when people say "oh she looks so nice" WTF she doesn't look nice she's dead for the love of God! My DH lost his father when he was 27 and he is now 41. He still has days where he gets choked up. I think women handle it better because we don't stuff our emotions. Children can be tough because they don't really understand.

    The only thing I cannot comprehend about death is how parents lose children and stay sane. I would be in a rubber room somewhere picking my toes if I had to put one of my children in the ground.
    I wish I could say something to ease your pain but we all know only the passage of time will help lessen the hurt. I would however sue the crap right outa that hospital!
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 1:12 PM on May. 22, 2009

  • thanks salexander.....I asked my MIL if there was negligence on the hospitals part, meaning are they going to legally hold them responsible for this. She said, no because our great nanny (thats what we called her) was of sound mind and she willfully got up out of bed on her own. Now, granted, they didnt come when they were called and she did wait over 20 min on them. This had happened before when she waited on them. The nurses dont do it, its the technicians that come in and help them use the bathroom. She had one of those portable pottys next to the bed so I guess she thought she could just swing around and use it. She had been in there for almost a month so she was weak. They don't even know how long she laid there on the floor before they found her. Its so sad that it makes me sick. Our young children are even upset about this and blame the nurses. I told them that it was time for Greatnanny to go back to God. They got it.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 2:17 PM on May. 22, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.