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If you have ever heard your teen dd say "I know you don't think this is true love, but it is", how have you responded?

My 14 yr old dd even compares her "teen love" as I have called it (the dynamics of which I have described many times as quite controlling), with my and my dh's relationship!! We have a wonderful marriage, but not without conflict or challenge. I have had to explain the differences on numerous occasions, but wonder if anyone here can give any more ideas to the discussion. Sometimes I have to laugh (to myself, of course) but try to understand the feelings a young teen might have.

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dflygirl7

Asked by dflygirl7 at 7:59 AM on May. 23, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 12 (751 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I think many young teens are in love and parents don't believe them. And many adults say they are in love but really arent. It's difficult to judge whether someone else is truly in love...not sure that is our call. Plus it doesnt help anything to challenge their feelings. It is better to accept it and be open to it so they feel welcome to come to you about that relationship.
    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 8:04 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • Also...I wanted to say instead of challenging her feelings. Join in the celebration of what love is. Let her know what love is not (abuse (mental, emotional, or physical), lust, obsession, suffering, losing oneself, ect, and tell her and SHOW her what love is through your own relationships. Announcing that she is in love is a big step. I never even told my parents about who I might be in love with. If youre not careful, this one little topic could close the door to future conversations that you WANT to be involved in.
    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 8:16 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • To their limited experience of life, this may be true love as much as they can know it. But as they mature and widen their horizons, they may discover that their love was more shallow than they could have realized at the time. They don't have enough experience to make mature decisions about financial planning, how to handle health care if a child of theirs has problems, what to do if one of them has health issues. Chances are their feelings are the blissful wonderful feeling of finding someone they think is a wonderful person, and indeed he or she may be a wonderful person, but the young person should hold this precious feeling to their hearts and learn about the world and their own potentials.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 8:51 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • Well, she might really be in love and thats okay, but it doesnt change the fact that shes 14. I have a 14 yr old as well. The rules of being 14 dont change just because youre "in love". She still has to be in the house by a certain time, she still doesnt get to go out alone with boys (my rule for my home), she still doesnt get to do certain things based on her age and whats appropriate. So if shes really in love or not, well, thats not really the issue and I wouldnt waste time trying to convince her she doesnt know what love is. I think I would just listen to her, let her talk and be the example. IF you feel this relationship is bad, meaning, there is abuse or something, then its your job as the mom to cut it off. Shes 14, so she doesnt get a say about where she goes and what she does if someone is hurting her. All bets are off basically. If thats not the case, then compromise with her, but 14yr olds make 14yr old choices.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 8:52 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • Yeah, I would slack off from saying she is not in love. Many women love men who are bad to them. If she is in an abusive relationship the abuse is the issue to address.
    callmeann

    Answer by callmeann at 9:51 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • Back off, the more you push the more she will be "in love" with this boy. Once they break up, do NOT allow her to date until she is 16. This is why I don't think any child should be dating until they are 16, they are not emotionally mature enough to handle dating.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:29 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • you are never too young to love. and it is arrogant to assume that only adults can have emotions. just put limits on it. no single dates, only group, or no being out after 10pm. no alone at the house, etc. teach her respect for herself and allow her to grow emotionally and it will be the best thing for her.
    trepsica

    Answer by trepsica at 11:20 AM on May. 23, 2009

  • I totally agree with trepsica.

    Also, when I was 17 and dating my husband, I constantly got those sort of comments from my parents, who were against us dating and treated him like crap. I even moved out because they told me that they wanted me to go to an out of state college to break us up. Thirteen years later, all I remember is having no support and them acting like jerks, and I can't help it but I still make bitchy comments of my own, even to this day.
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 12:14 PM on May. 23, 2009

  • Well, you already heard the majority speak,and I have to agree,to her,it's true love,if,she is looking at her parents and think,she has and feel the same way you do about her father,then,she thinks it is true,also,it is true ,the more you talk against her ,the more you will push her away.Now, I'm talking about,if,you think this boy is a bad influence or do drugs, run that joker from her as fast as you can,I went through this with my 4th DD,when she turned 16,her mind did a 360 turn,we don't know what happen lol,all she talked,sleep,sing,was this boy,this boy upset our home, our family,we havent been the same since,he just was no good,I kept thinking,it will be over when she graduate and go to college,that didn't happen,it wasn't over until he broke her heart 2 yrs. later, and ,now he is with someone else,and my DD is still saying he will be back,so,to her,it was and is true love.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:35 PM on May. 23, 2009

  • I think that teenagers can have real love. Just because they are young doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
    MoonLover06

    Answer by MoonLover06 at 7:09 PM on May. 23, 2009

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