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How can I effectively communicate with the expectant mother with the CW being in the middle?

We've met with an expectant mother who's chosen us to adopt her baby. However, we feel like we are getting conflicting info from her CW. The mom asked her CW to give us her email address but we were given the wrong one. After our meeting, she wanted us to be given her phone number, that hasn't happened yet either. They "don't recommend giving out personal info", but yet, it's supposed to be an open adoption. In a way, I see their point, but how are we supposed to form any type of a relationship if we can't contact one another? We don't want her to think we have her # and we're just not using it. We also were told that she can't sign any papers until 10 days after giving birth. I came across info last night that says that in that particular state, she can't sign anything until 48 hours after the birth. It's pretty important that they do it legally! How do we feel like we can trust the CW? Any suggestions?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:31 AM on May. 24, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • OP - I was wondering if you were dealing w/ CPS, a facilitator or an agency, and you answered my question. That explains why they're not thrilled about giving out personal info. Still, if CW knows that both of you want to, I would hope she would respect your wishes. Will you meet or talk again soon? Maybe you could tell the emom that the e-mail address you were given was wrong, and that you need it again. You could also mention that you still need to get her phone number, and you could offer your info. Would that make the CW upset with you? Everything I've read says that with open adoption, it's best to start forming the relationship as early as possible. I hope you can get this ironed out. I know this has to be a nervewracking time for you, and certainly the emom. Maybe the CW has a different idea of what open adoption is. Since you've talked and met, she might call that "openness". Good luck!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 2:06 PM on May. 24, 2009

  • I know that it is an open adoption but there isn't an adoption until the child is born and parental rights are terminated. A good friend of mine brought her baby home and the birth mother changed her mind nine days later. The baby went back to live with his mother. The biological grandparents continued to call and give updates on how well the baby was not doing and concerns that they had. I think, my personal opinion, that was very uncalled for on the part of the grandparents. Several months later the birth mother did actually place the baby with my friends, again, and signed to terminate her parental rights. But it could have ended very differently. As much as my friend wanted to know updates - I don't think it should have occurred. It was a violation to the bmom's privacy and it was unhealthy for my friend at that time. My friend would disagree but that is just one reason why limited contact may be encouraged.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:08 AM on May. 24, 2009

  • Often times, state law is a minimum and an agency policy goes above and beyond. It's entirely possible that the agency has policies in place to make sure an expectant mother is making the best choice for her and her baby. I don't know why the worker would tell you she was giving you information and then give incorrect information on purpose but I guess it could happen. I'd recommend having the relationship formed with the caseworker right in the middle of it right now to protect all parties. On legal reason for adoption appeals and getting one overturned, sometimes even years later - is coercion. With the caseworker in the midst, you're protected from doing that (unless the caseworker is doing it too because many agencies DO take advantage of expectant mothers to make the money).

    Regardless, best of luck to all!
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 10:43 AM on May. 24, 2009

  • Frogdawg, yes, I totally understand that it's not an adoption until the parental rights are terminated. I'm just asking how can we attempt to get to know one another without all parties being more open? She is obvisiously wanting to get to know us better but I'm not sure how that can happen unless we communicate via phone or email. She's a good 7-8 hours away so we can't just go to lunch, etc. So far, on the conference call and the face-to-face meeting, there has been a CW present. I agree about having the CW present to guard against any coercision, etc. but I also realize that she probably doesn't have time to sit on the phone with all parties on a regular basis. I guess I just don't know how else we can try to learn more about each other. It's not a case of making money, this is a fost-adopt type situation, so I'm not seeing where there would be any advantages to giving incorrect info, or no info at all.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:58 PM on May. 24, 2009

  • How is a foster-adopt situation with a baby that hasn't been born yet?
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 2:15 PM on May. 24, 2009

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