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How do you deal with the guilt of asking for a divorce?

I have told my husband of 14 years and the man I have been in a relationship with for over 22 years that we need to separate because I am not in love with him any more. We have 3 kids, 7, 5 & 3. I know it is what I truly want, but I still feel guilty because he doesn't want it at all & thinks we should try to work it out yet again. I can't do that - any suggestions?

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natalie1269

Asked by natalie1269 at 10:43 AM on May. 26, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • Why can't you do that?
    People fall in and love in marriages. It's always worth another try if you've got something to work with. If he beats you, or the children, or is verbally abusive then I'd suggest some sort of councelling and anger management. If it's just because you're not happy, then by all means, try again to fall in love. Maybe you could tell him you'll give it a few months (set a deadline) and if it's not happening by then, you both agree to stop trying.
    I highly recommend the 40 day love dare.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:47 AM on May. 26, 2009

  • Ya know I was too that point with my ex i just really wasn't in love with him anymore I loved and cared about him but it wasn't like I couldn't see myself without him. I decided to stay and keep trying but my heart never really got in it and I ended up cheating on him and treating him horrible, I really and truely regret this, if i could change it I would have ended things when I knew it wasn't going to change. I hurt him worse than i would have hurt him by asking for a divorce. And through it all I really hated myself for a long time. So I really thank you should take sometime not too much though see if its gonna work if you really and truely feel that your feelings won't chage i do not recomend staying together.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on May. 26, 2009

  • Not in love anymore? You are going to give your kids a broken home for such a selfish reason? Unless he's abusive, I think you have an obligation to your children to save your family. Love changes over time. It's not butterflies and roses forever. When it's deep and true, it becomes a partnership...comfortable. You can make it exciting again instead of throwing away what some would die to have.
    Children from fatherless homes are:
    4.6 times more likely to commit suicide, 6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course), 24.3 times more likely to run away, 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders, 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions, 10.8 times more likely to commit rape, 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school, 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children who are in the care of single mothers are:

    33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and
    73 times more likely to be killed.

    ["Marriage: The Safest Place for Women and Children", by Patrick F. Fagan and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D. Backgrounder #1535.]
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • Well, some of your answers are just what I have thought about - except the fact that my children will become aweful, horrible people or dead becaue of it.... I know it can happen, but I am from a middle class life - not the dregs of humanity! My children are very loved by both me and my husband...and they know that. I am making sure they know that and are growing up strong and confident. I am not saying they won't have issues, but there have been many people who have grown up just fine and even excelled (Will Smith for example- just saw a documentary on him) from divorced families! I plan to give my kids the best life they can have .. with or without their dad in the house. He will ALWAYS be in thier lives! I just can't have him in mine any more. He is not abusive and I am sure most people would love to have a man like my husband.... but don't I deserve more (and to show my kids they deserve the best they can have)?
    natalie1269

    Answer by natalie1269 at 12:41 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • You deserve to be happy but they do too. I think what most of us are saying is...
    Isn't it worth a try to give it another serious try? To attempt to fall in love again? To try to remember what it was about him that made you fall in love so long ago, to weigh the pro's and cons, to consider the children's feelings on this? I've fallin in and out of love with my hubby (sometimes on the same day lol) but in the end, I know that I am very very lucky. It's not very common to find a man that loves, respects and treats you with kindness and doesn't have a drinking/drug problem, doesn't hit or belittle you and so many other things that could be happening. I felt like you do, and I considered leaving but I chose to stay and we both worked together and I love him so very much now. It doesn't happen for everyone that way, but it's your choice to make. We don't have to agree to it for it to be okay for you :)
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 12:49 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • Trust me... I have gone over this in my head numerous times- with me sobbing and with great heartache - before I came to this conculsion. I am not someone to who just woke up one morning and decided to screw up everyone's life on a whim. I have written pro's and con's lists, I have played out every sinerio in my head, I have deliberated and mourned over this decision. It hasn't been easy. It has been something that has been coming for a long while- I have been trying again and again and again to make it work for about 7 years now. I can't do it any longer. And I want to appologize to the world for 'throwing" away something that seems so good. But is it better to be with someone for the wrong reason, rather than be along for the right ones?
    natalie1269

    Answer by natalie1269 at 1:43 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • IF YOU THINK THAT YOU BOTH CAN WORK IT OUT, BY GOING TO COUNLING OR TRYEN TO TAK ABOUT WHAT THE PROMBLE IS, AND JUST NOT SAY NO, WITH OUT LAESE GIVEING IT A CHNACE FIRST, THEN YOU WILL KNOW IF YOU WANT TO STILL BE WITH HIM OR NOT.
    HLYNN482

    Answer by HLYNN482 at 1:59 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • I hate to say it but, sometimes it just doesn't work out! It's very scary but it is a harsh reality! Sometimes ppl fall out of love and like for each other. I do feel like you deserve happiness and I do feel like your children deserve a full and whole life. My parents got a divorce acutally it was finalized like 2 years ago, but they seperated when I was 13 and it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. We moved out of state with my dad, and my mom continued her life without us esscentially (although I still love her very much). A lot of my issues in adulthood steemed from my mom and dads temulcous (spelled wrong) relationship. It's gonna be a hard decision anyway, but it's a neccessary evil, why be un-happy?
    mommy2_twins

    Answer by mommy2_twins at 2:55 PM on May. 26, 2009

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