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DD is 7 months tomorrow. Her sperm donor (for lack of a better word) wants to start overnight visits with her, when he doesn't even come see her more than twice a month. How do I explain to him that I am not comfortable with this, I doubt she will be seeing as she has never been away from me? Also I am bfing, but that doesn't stop him. He won't relent........Is this a bad call on my part? If not, help!


Asked by Sparta. at 4:11 PM on May. 26, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (22)
  • This is what I did with mine. We have a visitation schedule and if you don't then you need to get one. I put in the plan that he has to execute consistent, consecutive visits for a period of 3 months before overnight visits start. The minimum age for overnight visits is 1 year. If he has a lapse in visitation then the overnights stop and he has to do 3 more months of consistent, consecutive visits. I would let her start going with him for about 2 hours at a time, outside of your home, and then increase the time from there.

    Answer by a_and_j_momma at 4:17 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • I think she needs to know him more before she is thrown into staying the nights with him. Maybe make him see her more or just flat out tell him no... it might scare her to have to stay the night too. i wouldnt let him have her

    Answer by firethearson at 4:14 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • I wouldnt either, especially if you are breastfeeding. MAke a deal with him though to start heading in tha direction, like he needs to spend more time with her, and maybe even a few hours in the middle f the day to watch her alone if thats really what he is wanting and you trust him that much. GL

    Answer by AK_aries at 4:16 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • He is deploying in a month and a half, so that won't work. He has visitation agreed on between the two of us of anytime he wants, for as long as he wants he can come to our home and see her. He won't. He makes me feel like I am being unfair, but I know she's not ready for this. He says I'll feed her formula when she's hungry. So not only will she be with someone she doesn't know, in a house she doesn't know, she will be forced to drink out of a sippy or bottle, which she refuses. And he says it won't be traumatic for her?

    Answer by Sparta. at 4:23 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • If its not legally written down then NO!!!!! i was in the same situation your baby is not going to have fun he shouldn't have the right to practice being a father if he doesnt make the time to be one. Your daughter doesnt know him to her hes the guy who comes and visits every once in a while. Why does he want to make her uncomfortable? I can only tell you when my daughter was that age she freaked out when her SD came to visit unless i was in the room she didn't like being around people she wasn't familiar with.


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • You can't keep a daughter from her father, no matter how you feel about him personally. That's her father. The fact that he wants overnight visits shows that he may be starting to "step up to the plate" as far as being a good parent. The child is 7 months old, not 7 YEARS old! If given time to get to know him, she will probably develop a good relationship with him.

    You can't keep using breastfeeding as an excuse to deny visitation. Get a pump and express some milk into a bottle. After a year, you can't use that excuse as far as the courts are concerned.

    Ask your baby's father to start coming around more often, so that your daughter will get to know him, BEFORE attempting an overnight visit. He has to be comfortable changing diapers, doing baths, etc.

    Grow up and stop acting like a baby. Your daughter needs a father, You should be grateful that he's wanting a bigger role in her life! Don't discourage him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • I'm sorry but it's unfair to say "you have to visit inside our home." Would you feel comfortable if you were only allowed to see your child in his home?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:40 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • I have to agree with anon :39

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • Sparta-I despise my son's father. I know that you think that she'll be traumatized but the reality is it's harder on you to allow her to visit him OUTSIDE the home than it is on her. As much as I want to control when and where he sees his son, I can't. I have to allow them to develop a bond. I don't agree with him only being allowed to visit within your home. There's no reason why he shouldn't be allowed to take your child outside of your home for a hour or two. You need to keep in mind that it is uncomfortable for him and you to have him visit in the constraints of your home. The fact of the matter is that he has expressed interest and is showing that he does want to visit her. You need to allow that to happen. I don't think he should be allowed to take her overnight yet but I do think that he should be allowed to visit her for a hour or two outside of the home. He's deploying and probably does want to spend some time w/her

    Answer by a_and_j_momma at 4:45 PM on May. 26, 2009

  • If he doesn't have court ordered visitation he wouldn't get it in my house. If he is on the birth cert and there is no order he can take off with her and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. It is NOT kidnapping. In my state overnight visits aren't ordered and mandatory until a child reaches 18 months.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on May. 26, 2009