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Please try not to judge --long--

Okay, I have a 22 month old son from a previous relationship.

My ex-husband left me when Connor was 3 months old and I started dating a guy our mutual friend introduced me to about 4 months later. We hit it off great and have had a great relationship! However, 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant, even though I'd been taking birth control since my son was 2 months old. My bf almost insisted I have an abortion. I was heart broken. I am a very pro-life person, and he said he wanted me to abort so he could finish college and make a life for my son and I first. I was VERY distressed and ended up losing the baby. My bf proposed to me about a month and a half after we lost the baby and I agreed, but now I think he's dropping hints that maybe he wants another baby, but doesn't know how to show it.

He looks at other babies --c--

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 AM on May. 27, 2009 in Trying to Conceive

Answers (10)
  • Semi longingly and we often talk about what we plan to name our children, and (tmi) whenever we're having sex, one of our fantasies is that we're having sex to make a baby. He often tells me that he regrets wanting me to have an abortion, and that he's sorry and that no matter what if I ever fall pregnant again before we plan he'll support us 100%. I'm still on my birth control, and though I've asked him if he wants a baby he always acts like it's some big taboo. To be honest, I'd like another baby now that my son is almost 2, I had a large gap with my younger sister, but my mom had my brother 11/2 after her and they have a great relationship I want my kids to have! However, I'm not sure how to bring it up to my fiance, if I should bring it up, if I should just go off my birth control and let a surprise happen or what!

    Any help? I'm not a trifling, man trapping woman; I'd just like some advice.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • You need to talk to him. If you just "slip up" he might just become your ex-fiancee. Three years isn't that big a gap.

    A DECADE is a big gap. But the closest sibs I've ever know were a decade apart.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:20 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • Maybe get married first. You guys haven't even been together that long.
    prettyrayray

    Answer by prettyrayray at 1:23 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • I was with my husband for 5 years, engaged for a year and married for a year and a half. I have NO faith in lengthy courtships and believe that love and marriage don't necessarily equal out anymore.

    I plan on marrying him, but in a while so I can have a lavish and beautiful wedding.

    And trust me, this is the one. I thought I was madly in love with my husband, though it waned in the months before our separation, I never loved him like I love my fiance.

    Thanks for the advice, I just don't think it's for me.

    And no, 3 years isn't that big of a gap, but I'd ideally like them to be closer together.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:29 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • @.@

    I have no idea what to say..

    Here's a bump..
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 1:43 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • O.K. perhaps he is feeling guilty about pressuring you to have an abortion and the fact that the stress from that cause you to miscarry. It may or may not have been the cause. Perhaps he thinks that having a baby will take his guilt away.

    You seriously need to think long and hard if this is the kind of man you want a child with. He doesn't respect your beliefs because it is inconvenient to him?
    teamquinn

    Answer by teamquinn at 1:47 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • It's probably very likely that he was scared which is why he suggested the abortion. I would suggest waiting until he's comfortable. I would bring it up and talk to him and when he wants another one, and I would respect his views. He is probably looking at babies longingly because he is wondering what would have happened if you had had that baby. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants a baby right now. Definitely don't just go off birth control, he might react the same way he did before.
    toriandgrace

    Answer by toriandgrace at 1:54 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • Well, he's a very responsible man in most aspects, passing college with mostly A's, got all A's this semester; I think he was just scared being an only child, and not really having that much knowledge about kids. I've taught him as we've went along with my son, but his involvement with him isn't really that deep..more..one step above baby-sitter deep..he loves my son, but he's unsure of how to really parent him..

    I think the idea of his own baby scared the bejeezus out of him and he was just looking for a quick fix..

    I'll never forget after he told me he wanted me to get an abortion how I cried and cried and he told me that he wanted to be there right beside me when we had a baby on 'our terms'. I do love him, and I do forgive him, and I do want to be with him; in fact, thanks again for your advice, but that's not even what I'm asking! lol. It's how or if I should bring it up.

    Thanks though, seriously.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:56 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • and that answer was to TeamQuinn, ToriandGrace thanks too.

    I've also wondered if he maybe had some sort of PTSD, when I brought up that I was angry that he didn't want our baby, he cried and told me maybe I should just run out and find someone who did and just have a happy life with them since I couldn't,'ever possibly love someone as horrible as him,' and he identified himself as a 'horrible person' in the context that I thought he was one.

    He's read and heard my pro-life views..maybe that's where it's from? They do get harsh some times..

    Again, not being with him isn't an answer. I love this man.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:01 AM on May. 27, 2009

  • You know, if you wait for the lavish wedding you might never get married...and honestly there's nothing wrong with doing one legal wedding and then do something lavish later.

    in ANY event, the two of you need to lay ALL cards on the table.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:49 AM on May. 27, 2009

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