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Help dealing with my husband who is obcessed with his kids from his 1st marriage

I am newly married (9 months) to a man that seems to be obcessed with his teenage kids from his first marriage. We are about to go on our first "family" vacation and I am about to freak out. when he is with the kids and myself he ignores me and fixates totally on them. The sweet loving person I married becomes someone who is a stranger to me. I don't know what to do. I have told my husband that I feel left out when his kids are around and he says I'm acting like I'm 12. I just want to be included in the family plans instead of being told what he and the kids have decided to do and that I may come along if I want to. (geeThanks).. The kids are ages 20, 18 and 16 and refuse to grow up because daddy takes care of them and buys them anything they want. I soooo scared to go on this vacation because I will be ignored and left out and made to feel like I don't have the right to an opinion because I am not part of the "family"

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stepmonstersmit

Asked by stepmonstersmit at 8:16 PM on May. 27, 2009 in About CafeMom

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Answers (7)
  • i say instead of fighting for his attention you need to act like parent to thses children and join in in the family fun .. enjoy your time with his other children as much as you enjoy your time with him kwim? dont think of them as someone your competing with!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 PM on May. 27, 2009

  • Sorry, but I agree with your husband, you sound like a 12 year old. You married a man with kids, you have to deal with it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:27 PM on May. 27, 2009

  • he's "obsessed" with his kids from his first marriage? are you serious? they're his kids. I agree with your husband also...you are acting like a 12 year old. you married a man who has children...deal with it
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:32 PM on May. 27, 2009

  • I agree with all previous posters

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:38 PM on May. 27, 2009

  • You cannot come between this man and his children. They wouldn't ask you to go if they didn't want you to. Participate as much as possible and arrange to spend one on one time with each kid, or hang with two of them while dad spends one on one time with the other. Bring a good book for times when you feel they need some space. As I'm sure you know with your own parents, siblings, or a longstanding circle of friends, you have group memories and your own language. He's been there dad for 20 years, expect to feel lost. Speak up, ask them to tell you the story of "remember when". Everyone loves to talk about themselves as good listeners are so rare. These kids are way to old to think of you as "mom", but they can think of you as a friend.

    You cannot determine the level of involvement your husband has with them, his parenting methods, so why stress about it? Why would you want to? Just relax and enjoy the ride.
    Allison_17

    Answer by Allison_17 at 8:50 PM on May. 27, 2009

  • You probly shouldn't have married someone with kids if you didn't want him spending time with them. Is he older than you? Its not obsession to spend time with your kids, it's being a good parent. Do you have kids of you own? Do you spend time with them? Seriously, get over it or you'll be headed to divorce coutr.
    ladybug4

    Answer by ladybug4 at 11:26 AM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • It is real easy to judge someone when you haven't walked in their shoes. I am walking it myself my dear. I think your husband should be considerate of your feelings and should go the extra mile in making sure that you feel included in family times. He should let his children know...in front of you...how important you are to him while at the same time letting them know that he still loves them too...that he loves all of you very much yet differently. You as his wife should never feel like an outsider. I do agree that at times it is appropriate for him to have one on one time with his children, but never for the purpose of allowing them to try and build a barrier between the two of you.That time should be about focusing on them. You are not alone in your struggles, many of us out here dealing with similar situations.We endure alot for those we love.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 AM on Jun. 26, 2009

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