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My teen daughter and her exboyfriend...

My at the time 16 yo dd started dating a boy that just turned 18. Well since my dd had been dating him her attitude changed, she was short and moody with everyone in the house and she went from being on the honor roll to just barely passing some classes with very low C's. Her GPA literally dropped more than a point! We told her that if she got anything lower than C's in any of her classes that her friends and her boyfriend were no more! We discussed this at length with her and she said she fully understood. Well low and behold the attitude got worse and the grades went down even more and she got a D. Well we told her that she had to break up with her boyfriend and totally focus on school. Now come to find out she told my oldest son that she was going to get back with him come hell or high water and see him behind our backs. What would you ladies do in this situation?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on May. 28, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • If she where my daughter! And got those bad grades! I'd take of her previlages away! And also make her go to summer so school to get her credits back. So she could get back on track! If that didn't work! I'd send her to job corp for young teens!
    babyboomer1957

    Answer by babyboomer1957 at 9:01 AM on May. 28, 2009

  • I can;t believe you allowed her to have C's. I would have said B or higher. Okay, in this instance you and her made an agreement and she said she understood. So basically now that shes broken this agreement, you have to make good on your word. Granted you cant really do anything about it while she is at school, but you can put her on lockdown at home. No going out anywhere and also if you think shes up to something, then nail her windows shut and put a double sided lock on the doors. I had to do this because friends of my daughters were coming over and they were sneaking out of my home. These are 14 yr old girls, I might add. So I put a stop to that. This is going to be tough because shes used to having so much freedom. This is also one of the reasons we have not allowed our dd to date and will not until she is 17. But you did what you felt was best at the time. Don't beat yourself up about it. I would confiscate all ..cont.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:34 AM on May. 28, 2009

  • cell phones, no computer unless its for school, nothing...Meaning shes basically grounded until she gets her grades up. If she needs a tutor, then find her some afterschool help. If she continues to buck you and rebel, then she gets everything taken from her room, except for her bed and clothes, and including her door then thats what you have to do. Its important that whatever you do, you send clear concise and consistent messages to her that YOU are the authority. Shes not in charge and since shes made choices that show shes not mature enough to have choices, you make them for her. I know its hard and harsh, but this is not a game. School in highschool i not a game and shes throwing it all away for a boy. If shes having problems in school, then she needs help. Ask her if her classes are too hard. Its very well that just a little distraction is all she needs to fail. My dad didnt play games with me when I was her age. GL!
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:39 AM on May. 28, 2009

  • She broke the rules and must now pay. When school is out, it is to the books. I would also ask for weekly progress reports. The office will provide them, or you can print you own. Have your dd take them to each teacher, the teacher fills out different colums ex. current grade, days missed, missing homework assignments, then signs and dates it.
    You can also talk to the teachers (or your dd) about extra credit work to bring up the grade. Kids will always find time to see each other at school, or when you think they are at school, don't feel foolish to call, or go to the school to check up on her.
    I had a friend whos mother came to class to sit with her until her grades came up, we all pitched in and helped her, even during lunch, to bring up her grades and get rid of mom.

    lexisandjayden

    Answer by lexisandjayden at 12:37 PM on May. 28, 2009

  • quoting the poster above me. I had to get weekly progress reports every Friday. If I missed a homework assignment or got a D on a test I was grounded for the weekend. I would put strict rules on phone/computer/cell phone until her grades are up. a tutor would be a good idea if you think that is the problem but if she was getting good graded before I don't think she would all of a sudden need help. Is it possible she is into drugs or alcohol and that is the reason for the behavior change? That was my first thought seeing that is what happened to me in high school.

    beckygeiger

    Answer by beckygeiger at 1:51 PM on May. 28, 2009

  • I know this is going to sound completely backwards, but I'm going to say it anyway. You have to use a little manipulation in this situation. Confiscate the cell, computer, and phone in her room after 10:00 PM so she doesn't stay up all night talking, texting, IM, etc. Tell her that she can see him Fri, Sat, and Sun only. Mon. - Thurs. nights are for school. She can talk to him after studying until 10:00 PM. Make this compromise so that she is able to see how the compromise exercise work. The kicker comes in when you let her know that if she doesn't repair her GPA and work on that attitude, she would loose her privilages starting with dating. As they become these young adult wanna-bees you have to start treating them as "adults" and not little children. It is a delicate dance. If you take too much away, she rebels. If you take too little, its ineffective. Good Luck!

    jesse123456

    Answer by jesse123456 at 6:22 PM on May. 28, 2009

  • I hate to tell you, but if she wants to see this boy, regardless of your feelings, she will.

    She might even do something drastic..she might get herself purposely pregnant so she can be with him and there'd be nothing you could do about it...

    I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it's happened before. I've seen it first-hand several times.

    Be careful.

    Jesse had the right idea.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 10:08 PM on May. 28, 2009

  • I would take away priveledges until the grades come back.
    About the boy, invite him to dinner, every night. Welcome him like a long lost brother. Tell your daughter often how much you like him and hope that he will be a positive influence in your life. Be his best buddy.
    Ask him how the two of them will handle an unplanned pregnancy.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 11:25 AM on May. 29, 2009

  • I do not think you can realistically tell a kid they can't be friends/bf with s.o., so I just wouldn't 'go there'. It is her CHOICE to blow her future. Yes, I'd take away privilieges about going out until she gets better grades -and ideally maket is a week to week thing (i.e punish her for the weekend if the weekly report is not good, etc.). I think you have to make you teen feel as if you are on their side in the relationships.... and I just wouldn't make the bf the issue (or she will rebel even more). But on the other hand, if she wants you to have confidence in her being out with him and others and having privileges from you, you have to have confidence she is taking her education seriously.

    If she is so attached to him, I'd really try to work on the punishment from week to week to make her feel it is achieveable so she can earn her weekend out.
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 4:00 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • my parents tried for 3 years to keep me and my boyfriend apart (we are 3 yrs apart) she even put him in jail if you keep pushing your daughter away she is going to keep being with him and making bad choices thats wat happend to me i started having bad grades not wanting to do anything so thats when my parents didn't want us being together now look at us almost 4 years later and i'm pregnant...if you are going to "TRY" to keep them apart you mite wanna keep a close eye on your daughter cuz she mite just end up like me
    maris1192

    Answer by maris1192 at 5:38 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

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