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my husband has two boys from his frist wife he has them one week and she has them the next but every time they come back from her house they dont wont to do anything i say its like there mom is telling them not to do what i say there only two and three but they stell need to do as there told what can i do to make them mind me

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margaret09

Asked by margaret09 at 4:44 PM on May. 29, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (9)
  • Sit down with them and daddy. Have daddy do most of the talking. Have a simple talk about "different homes, different rules". Have him explain that when they are at mommy's house, they do things differently than when they are at this house. And that's fine. But when they are here, at daddy and step-mommy's house, they have to obey the rules for THIS house. And that includes minding both daddy and step-mommy.
    kaycee14

    Answer by kaycee14 at 4:48 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • It is probably hard on them to go back and forth
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • For starters you need to be patient and try to understand what they are going through, IMO that is a crazy schedule for a two and three year old. Have you and your dh talked with their mom about the type of schedule she keeps them on at her place and the rules of the house there? At that age children need stability and most thrive on routine and a predictable schedule. The way their visitation is right now they have just enough time to get used to one home and rules etc. and they are moved into the next one with a whole different set of rules etc. Their mother is probably not telling them to be bad, and she's probably going through the same issues you are. I would start by sitting down and talking with her and your dh so that you are all on the same page with rules, and schedules and then go from there if you are still having issues.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:03 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • Be consistent
    JuliaMBrink

    Answer by JuliaMBrink at 5:10 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • First off, kids that age test boundaries. It's part of the growing-up process, so they are probably doing it all over.

    Second, divorce is confusing to kids, especially when they get shuttled between houses. It makes them feel unsettled, because just as they develop a routine, it's upset by going somewhere else & starting a new routine. Some kids act out as a way to express their frustration, for others the different sets of rules mean they're never realy sure what's okay.

    What the kids need more than anything is a set of consistant, established rules & boundaries. That's where it's going to take being a grown up here - because it's going to mean Mom, Dad and Stepmom all sitting down to discuss what is/is not allowed, the agreed punishments for misbehavior and possibly a difference in custody (especially once they start school). If you can all get along well enough to discuss it, great. If not, suck it up for their sake.
    geminilove

    Answer by geminilove at 5:38 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • CONT:

    If you don't, as they get older, this is only going to get worse.
    geminilove

    Answer by geminilove at 5:38 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • I think it would probably be best if dad did most of the discipline for now. Do they know you really well? It will probably take some time for them to warm up to you and realise that you are a loving, and permanent fixture in their lives to be trusted. Just give it time.

    dreyamom

    Answer by dreyamom at 5:40 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • I agree consistency is the key. We got joint custody (same schedule as yours) of my step daughter when she was around 4 or 5, she's 12 now. She came back to us with a little attitude, not wanting to pick up after herself and things like that. Well as she got older we started explaining to her that it's okay if mom does things different at her house but when she's at dad's house she had to follow the rules like the other kids in the house did. It is a challenge for kids that small but if they see the consistency, they will eventually adjust..patience...alot of patience!
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 5:42 PM on May. 29, 2009

  • This is exactly why my ex and I decided not to do every other week stuff. Our schedule is he takes them in summer time and I take them every other weekend or here and there with notice. And I take them primarily during the school year and he gets every other weekend or here and there with notice. This way they stay in one place for awhile, but still have contact with the other parent on occassion. They can call either of us at anytime. We also make sure we are on the same page as far as rules. I know sometimes that's hard depending on the circumstances, but you should at least sit down with your husband and have him explain the situation and be as other moms have stated consistant as much as you can. My kids from my ex are 4 and 7.
    officerjoeys

    Answer by officerjoeys at 10:49 PM on May. 29, 2009

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