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How would you respond to this?

I adopted my kids, and my daughter has a baby. The other grandmother has told me I am not his grandma. She has told my dd she is the only grandma as she is the only "blood". DD has talked to her and so have I. She says we take offense too easily. DD broke up with SO and moved in with me nearly a year ago. We have not heard from her in all that time except when she was upset my dd did not send the baby to her for Christmas Day and then she wrote about it "breaking her heart". Now I got an email from grandma and her daughter thanking me for taking care of the baby and all about how they appreciate it. It sounded like I'm just this kindly stranger in his life and he is their baby. Any ideas on how to respond? Ignore it? Make a comment like how silly they are for thanking me for raising my own grandson?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:00 PM on May. 31, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (13)
  • Hmm, sounds very hateful. You raised your daughter, they're your grandkids. We have a very blended family also. My oldest was adopted but still in my life actively. He has tons of Grammas , aunts and uncles! It's a shame that they can't see it that way. If anything they should be TRULY grateful that you were such a wonderful loving mother to raise your daughter and grandson giving them a great life. Obviously they didn't take him on, even though they make such a fuss about blood relation! Write it off, it doesn't deserve a response. I have people in my life that treat my family more like family than half of our blood relatives.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 6:07 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • I would either not respond. ...or as you suggested, write back stating that this is what grandma's do for their grandchild and how much YOUR (or our, if you feel like being less hostile) grandchild means to you.
    I personally would not be able to resist the erge to write back. ...maybe you should ask your daughter what she thinks.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 6:16 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • I vote for no response.
    maggiemom2000

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 6:28 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • This is an opportunity for you to teach. Kindly tell her how disrespectful it is to your daughter and your grandson that she does not recognise you as a valid parent and grandparent. The "real" label is used both ways. Adoptive mothers and birth mothers alike are often told they are not the real parents. The response I always give is "I know what you mean, but I am his mother because I gave birth to him, she is his mother because she raised him. He loves us both and to him we are both very real." I'm sure you can find a non angry way to adapt that for your situation.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:55 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • I think the biggest concern here is your daughter and not putting her in a place where she feels trapped between two "moms" who are angry at each other. Like onethentwins, I think a response to educate without the angry side would be best. To know you understand that your grandchild has two grandparents and to have you encourage that recognition with her other mother would probably take at least some of the pressure off your daughter and make her feel less like she has two moms battling for the title of "grandma."

    It is sad when one side or the other tries to push to be the only impnortant side when both are so very important in their child's life. And I think, if you can respond to her in a way that atleast, from your end, makes it very clear you aren't going to enter into such a battle for "who is or isn't" grandma, you will not encourage more argument and battle that will ultimately be hardest on your daughter.

    bellacocco

    Answer by bellacocco at 8:50 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • just out of curiosty which grandma are you talking about. The father's mother or the mother that gave birth to your daughter.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:02 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • Sorry I wasn't clear. This is the father's mother I am talking about.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:26 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • Just kind of jokingly say well of course there is no reason to thank me I am more then happy to help with my grandson anytime.
    Ilovemydoggies

    Answer by Ilovemydoggies at 10:48 PM on May. 31, 2009

  • I think my pissy side would come out first, but honestly, if I responded at all...which I probably wouldn't waste my time but if I did respond, I would try to be respectful and say something about her getting educated on adoption to help her better understand family dynamics from another view. I'm kinda contrary though so I'd probably just ignore the close minded ole bat. Sounds kinda funny me saying the words respectful and ole bat in the same post huh? I thought it did! Anyway, some people are worth trying to explain yourself too and others prove they are close minded and aren't interested. Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • I think that the best response is to say that as his grandmother there isn't anything that you wouldn't do for him. There is no need to thank you for something that is instinctual.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:51 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

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