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Adopting a child? Would this influence you?

My adoptee son, Danny, Just turned 21. My husband and I took his a-family out with us, his birth family, for a celebration dinner. It made me think...I chose them and obviously I wouldn't have given my child to a couple I didn't like, but I thought about how they are stuck with me. I'm going to in their lives forever; In thier son's wedding, grandma to their grandkids, etc., So it made me wonder, if you were matched with an expectant mom and you didn't like her, would you take into consideration that this woman will be in your lives forever and not accept her child. Or, would you adopt her baby anyway and just put up with her?
This is for domestic infant adoption only, obviously.

 
onethentwins

Asked by onethentwins at 1:53 AM on Jun. 1, 2009 in Adoption

Level 22 (12,486 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (27)
  • To answer onethentwins' question honestly, assuming this would be an open or semi open adoption, I believe that for the most part I would probably go ahead with an adoption. I would act like an adult and put my feelings aside. The only time I would refuse an adoption based on dislike of the birthmother would be if it was so strong that it would affect how I parent the child or if I didn't think I could keep my feelings from affecting the relationship between my child and their birth parent.
    MommyAddie

    Answer by MommyAddie at 2:38 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • check my profile for pics of Danny's birthday dinner and our story if you're interested.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:54 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • well not all adoptions are open. In a closed adoption, you are not allowed to even try to contact the child or adoptive parents let alone be in their life, until the child is legally an adult && they want to pursue a relationship.
    HisMommySince07

    Answer by HisMommySince07 at 1:55 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • In an open adoption I would find the good in the woman who may not be my preference because many children are a lot like their parents in personality even when seperated.
    Dom123123

    Answer by Dom123123 at 1:59 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • We did not care for our twins birth mom. She was a self absorbed teenager and a complete brat. She handed the babies to me told me to get lost she needed to sleep. I sent her pictures she sent them back. She will not be in our lives. The twins know they are adopted and that she closed the adoption. They never ask about her. I have seen three times at Target. She gives me a dirty look and rolls her eyes at the twins. I really hope they don't want anything to do with her. She will only break their hearts.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:37 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • I would like to think if the parents I picked did not like me, they would pass on my baby. But I would suspect most people wanting to adopt would take the child anyway because they want the baby & figure they could just cut the birth mom out if the didnt like her. That might be why some adoptions close, who knows.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • Anon 9:58, I would hope that aparents would not do that, but I'm sure there are some who do. DH and I believe it is important to keep our word, so we will not do that. We absolutely love our DD's bmom, and our relationship developed quickly. We spent a lot of time together in the hospital. We're having a harder time getting to know DS's bmom because she's not ready for much contact at this point. We didn't dislike either of them, so we didn't have to make that choice.

    As a student nurse, I saw one couple in the hospital who thought she was going into labor. They were scary. The woman was screaming at everyone, and the dad admitted to drug use. CPS was being called due to suspicion of the mom using. If I'd been offered the opportunity to adopt that baby, I would have refused b/c I wouldn't want that couple in my life. Sounds bad, but we won't close an adoption so wouldn't want to deal w/ them.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:10 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • One more comment about my post above - as a student, I did not have access to all the information about what was going on since this wasn't even my patient. I know they would not have been calling CPS on just a suspicion. I just thought I should clarify.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:18 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • While I know many are against the idea of matching before birth, this is one reason that I am for it. My husband and I agree that we want to find the right fit, as this is someone who will be a part of our family forever. I think it's important to get to know each other beyond the superficial to find out if this is a relationship that can last. I don't think I could in good conscience choose someone and ask her to trust me with her child if I didn't like her, and certaintly not with the intention to "cut her out" later......
    muptgirl

    Answer by muptgirl at 11:29 AM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • I agree with muptgirl. Open adoption is a huge leap of faith for both sets of parents. We all have to be willing to allow someone who is pretty much a stranger to be a part of our lives from that point on (or at least until the child is 18). I'm in favor of getting to know each other early, when possible. I think it's important for emoms to know that there is still no obligation for them to place their children for adoption. A good agency or facilitator should tell them that. I'm skeptical of just using a lawyer. You never know what kind of support she'll have access to in the future.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 2:03 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

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