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How do I talk with my husband about divorce when I don't want it?

My husband of 12+ yrs and father of my girls (age 10 & 8) moved out 8 mos ago - I thought he was in a depression/midlife crisis. Then 3 months ago said he wanted to work things out and we started talking again - it came out that he had an affair 8 months ago & that triggered all sorts of guilt, etc. that was why he left. We made no progress (he never moved back in). About 1 month ago he said he still had feelings for her & that was what was holding him back. I finally put my foot down & said end it w/her or end it w/me. He chose me - broke it off w/her the next day (she gave him a black eye). Then he just lost it ... 3 days after saying we were going to work it out, he said he was sorry, but he just couldn't come back to me. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

That was 3 weeks ago. He wants to meet tomorrow night to come up w/a plan ... custody/finances/etc. I don't want a divorce, I want my husband back.

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jj.mominmd

Asked by jj.mominmd at 1:59 PM on Jun. 1, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • lady wake up your husband dont want you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:02 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • It sounds like he's really mixed up and confused. It also sounds like that woman is certianly not going to be what is best for him or the children. What kind of woman sleeps with a married man and then gives him a black eye when he tells her he is going back to his wife? ...not a good one. Have you expressed how much you love him? Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you expressed your concern for your children in regards to this new woman? Those might be some things you should discuss before jumping into the details of divorce.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:02 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • Anons are really being hurtful today...
    You cant force someone to be with you. Have you tried marriage counseling? If its been 8 months than he has probably thought about this alot...I would just try really hard to let go. There is no sense in hurting your self longer than needed...
    I am really sorry
    Mikayla_lynn

    Answer by Mikayla_lynn at 2:03 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • If he is going to go through with the divorce, don't let him move back in. Hire a lawyer. You cannot force him to come back and his lawyer may tell him to move back in if you let him even if he still intends to divorce you. Talk to a lawyer. Don't make any agreements without talking to a lawyer and don't sign any paperwork without showing it to your lawyer.
    kemclaughlin

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 2:17 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • girly.... Im really sorry but i really dont see how you could want him back after he has done this not just to you but your kids... i can really understand wanting to be with him you love him... but he has hurt your family and put you through to much... you cant just think about you , it has to be your kids first, I'm sure they want there dad back but they could be mad at him for leaving or for hurting you.... ... I dont think I could ever take a guy back after doing that to my family.... he stepped out on a whole family, who does that??? he isnt a good husband to do that I hope you can see that!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • Unfortunately, the decision has to be both of yours to stay together. I would contact a lawyer before you meet to get advice on what to bring to the table. Make it your business to know what you are entitled to and to get it. Of course, tell him you want to work it out and for him to let you know if he changes his mind before the divorce if final. I would only give him one more chance though. He will drive you and the girls crazy if it's back and forth. Forget about the other woman. It will only prevent you from looking at the truth about your relationship with him and getting what you deserve in the divorce. It would be a good idea to seek out a counselor who can support you emotionally while you go through this.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 3:00 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • I'm sorry you are going thru this.But one person can't fix a marriage.You both have to want it.You can't make him.But I do agree that you should cover yourself legally so you don't get screwed over.You loving him still he could take advantage of the situation.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 3:08 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • unfortunately you can only prolong things, you can't stop him from getting a divorce if that is what he wants. You can tell your attorney you want marital counseling. There is usually counseling/classes bc of the kids so that would stall for time but that's about all you'd be doing. However, if the spark just is no longer there then you can't make him want to come home. Sometimes it's best to just cut the cord and let them go. If his gf is violent I'd talk to him about not having her around the kids during visitation.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:43 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

  • He needs to watch Fireproof, there is still hope, I hope everything works out for you!
    IloveJesus316

    Answer by IloveJesus316 at 4:35 PM on Jun. 1, 2009

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