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Ok what do i say to comfort him?

My husband is adopted and is 24 years old. Well last week his birth mother found him on Myspace and gave us her phone number. Mind you my husband has never had any contact with this woman his entire life because he didnt even know where she was, and there was a lot of scandal over his birth and adoption. He was really shaken up by the whole thing because its a big issue for him. He never knew what ethnicity he was (because he looks native american, which turns out he's like 3/4 choctaw indian) and he never knew why she gave him up or anything like that.Well he finally got the courage up to call her and she was really nice and said she didnt WANT to give him up, but was made to by his father. Which was HER stepfather.And he molested her while his REAL wife was 4 months pregnant.(I know sicko) And turns out he's got two brothers and 1 uncle/brother.My question is, when he's looking to me for support what am i supposed to say?

Answer Question

Asked by collegemom1007 at 11:48 AM on Jun. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Im as confused about it as him really because i dont know how to help him? Should i like them?

    Answer by collegemom1007 at 11:49 AM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • don't say anything. Just be there and hold his hand while he takes this journey to find himself.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:51 AM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • I agree, just be there for him. He doesn't have to rush anything.

    Answer by gramsmom at 12:10 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • my husband is also adopted and found the rest of his family last year (3 sisters and his bio dad). As happy as I was that he found his family, I did have a little reservation about him knowing them. After all he didn't know anything about him. I encouraged my husband to try to have relationships with them but just to take his time, I just tried telling him that his family was probably different then what he grew up like and he needed to accept that part of their lives. Even though it has been a little over a year my husband is still trying to get to know his biological family and doing it at the pace that he feels comfortable in, not too much, too fast as I am sure his family is still trying to figure him out as well. Just keep on encouraging him, if anything my husband has gotten some answers and that has been good for him. good luck

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 12:28 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • Adoption, and even conception, sometimes makes deep shame in families. It is what is. This is against our taboos, but not all of history has agreed with the ones we believe are natural and inevitable today. Pharohs were required to keep the royal blood pure by wedding sisters and aunts and neices, even daughters... even the native North Americans and royal families of Europe have recent histories that include similar beliefs.

    But your husband wasn't raised in those societies, he was raised in ours. The one that has major problems with incest. There are lots of questions, many of which will ultimately never be answered.

    Be wary of the stories people tell. Their tales are often how they've made things okay in their own minds, which is good -- but some distance from the way any videotape would tell the events.

    Be forgiving of those people for him. They ALL did what they thought was necessary.

    Love him.

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:57 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • Sometimes in those situations, not saying anything is better. Be the person he can let out everything too. The biggest thing is to just listen to him. You don't need to give an opioion either way right now. You don't know these people, give this time. good luck to you!

    Answer by Sillylins at 1:38 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

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