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Military wives (others also welcome to give insite)

DH is away right now (been gone for about 3 months and has another 3 to go before he comes home) I feel like I have to walk on eggshells whenever I get to talk to him. He seems to get upset over little things that would never bother him if he was at home. Its to the point where I want to keep things from him just so we don't end up fighting during the little time we get together. But, he says that would make him not trust me at all, even if I told him later, face to face. This got started this time because I went out with a new gay friend (and a girl friend DH knows very well) to a movie! He has no problem with the 'gay-ness', he said he doesn't like me having a male friend regardless of orientation. I say its just like a new gal pal.

Ladies of military men; Do you find that your DH gets super sensitive when he is deployed/on extended training about little things that happen back home? Or am I wrong in this instance?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Jun. 2, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • OH yes... my hubby has been deployed for 11 months now and it's STILL touch and go!!! And i can never tell... even a simple question like "how much $ do we have in the bank" he flips at the answer if it's lower than the last time! Sometimes he says "good! I'm glad you got something for yourself" othertimes it's "wtf! we gotta save $" and i get a 30 min LECTURE!!! Idk about you but sometimes I want to get off! I LOVE talking to him but when he gets all pissy I would rather hang up and deal with my day! Plus how our conversations go varies my mood for that day/night.
    I don't think you're wrong at all!!! I tell my hubby those things that would make him MORE mad on days when he seems like NOTHING will make him mad. He always shrugs it off then... but don't hold it out on him for very long! Anyways... hope this helps!!!

    Answer by 07lilmama1108 at 6:39 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • I am not a military wife, but my husband used to be a trucker. I believe your DH is afraid that since he is gone for long periods of time and cannot see you, that you will end up finding someone else. That is probably why he is getting angry when he finds out you are hanging out with another guy. (gay or not). If you were to be away from him for six months, would you be able to trust that he would not sleep with someone else because his SO is not there with him. He is feeling very insecure and probably feels like he is letting you down and you will find comfort with someone else. And I would not keep things from him (even if you were to tell him later) it would just make him wonder even more. I know it's a struggle being away from each other for so long, but just keep reminding him how much you love and miss only him...that is what he needs and wants to hear most of all. Good Luck!! I hope this helps and you get other insight.

    Answer by 2wndrfl_btrflys at 6:37 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • my husband used to however, we have now been married 7 yrs and done 5 6 month deployments, so hes started to realize that i'm going to have a life w/or w/o him here. if he wants to try to make me not have a life while hes here, than that would be an issue. he has never once said he doesn't want me to do something that makes me happy and i've never told him i don't want him to hang out w/certain people either.
    but about money and other things he gets more sensitive, i think they each have their thing that puts them over the edge and does more so while they are gone b/c they worry about how things are going back home and they also worry that we'll realize that while they are gone we can do everything ourselves, so they think when they get home we'll tell them we don't need them. i try to gauge how mine is feeling when we talk and if i know something will really push him over the edge i dont tell him then (car issues bill CONT

    Answer by vabchmommy at 6:45 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • issues, or family issues are his pressure pushing things) and i tell him the next time we talk, or i just tell him in an email and by the time we do get to talk he's written back expressed how he feels so its not something we dwell on while on the phone. just don't hide it from him b/c he can always find out from your friends and then he will think you had a reason to hide it beyond pissing him off

    Answer by vabchmommy at 6:46 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • No, mine did not. We couldn't wait to talk to each other and were actually on a strict schedule. 9pm I would call him, he would just be getting up. We only had 30 minutes because he shared a satellite phone with other guys. We would just chat about this or that, upkeep on the cars here, our kids, etc. I took care of all of the bills and if I needed extra help, my FIL would help out. I really don't remember my dh getting upset about phone conversations. We also wrote alot of little letters back and forth. In our case, absence made our hearts grow fonder.
    On the other hand, after he got back home, things did get a little tense and stressed. We ended up going to a VA counselor and needed alot of help communicating after he was back. It took a couple of years to get back to normal but we finally got there. Don't give up if you really love him.

    Answer by army_wife2000 at 6:47 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • Hmmm. About half the population is male. Next thing, he's going to want you to have only female contact.

    Stress on his part is normal. And while his asking you NOT to have any male contacts isn't unusual, it's unreasonable unless you've given him reason to distrust you.

    I'm not a military wife either. But I used to be the road warrior of the family, gone on business trips about half the year. And I was always traveling with men. But my husband knew these men and knew he had NOTHING to worry about. Conversely, I don't worry about him having female friends.

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:52 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • oooohhhh yes!!! my hubby just got back from last minute training for his mos and while he was gone he was super crabby!!! to the point where i would chew my nails off when i saw it was him calling.. there was no telling what was going to happen when i answered... but he got back friday and he's been wonderful!! no arguments whatsoever as of today!! hopefully it'll get better for you too... the homesickness plays a roll on them

    Answer by rainylittlebug at 6:54 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • OP---Yea, we really love each other, its just this behavior really gets to me! I know hes stressed when hes gone, but I get stressed too! I keep thinking its because of the other marriages we've seen break up on deployments/missions. But in those cases the wives were out cheating (and really most of those couples shouldn't have gotten married int he first place) And while I understand everyone will have the what if? thinking, its ME for crying out loud. He also had a couple of slip ups while he was back home, and even though he denies it, maybe he thinks I'm waiting for my revenge? UGH!Plus, I moved away from my family for him and have vey few friends out here (my work and kid schedule makes it hard for me to get down time) so IMO, every possible friend is a bonus! I don't know what he will act like when we go to our new PCS and I don't have anyone to be friends with that he knows..

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:09 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • OP--again--He is a great DH and dad, its just that he can be a jerk sometimes. Like any man. lol

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:10 PM on Jun. 2, 2009

  • Yes, they do get over sensitive about things when they are gone. You have to keep in mind they are in a super stressed environment. They arent home with the people they love, and are missing seeing their kids grow up. My husband is currently deployed and we have talked about this very thing, in depth. He says the reason alot of guys (himself included) get sensitive, especially when it comes to spending time with other people, is they are jealous. THEY want to be the ones going to a movie or out to dinner with us, and it bothers them that they cant. Its just one of those things that military families have to deal with and over come.

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 7:13 PM on Jun. 2, 2009