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Can believe I am even posting this

What is going through a bmom's head when they insult their child? I am guessing this has to be some kind of defense mechanism but my child's bmom keeps making cracks about her physical appearance. This started prior to birth where she would keep saying how ugly the bdad was and how she hoped the baby looked like her. The baby favors the dad who we have never met.

She has gone so far as to make ethnic references about the baby (who is biracial and has Dad's coloring). The baby is less than a year so she doesnt know what is being said but my older child who adores baby sister hears it.

I have been trying to be casual about it by saying gently "dont say that, she has a beautiful nose, etc" every time she makes a comment but it is getting annoying. The relationship is so new, I dont feel comfortable telling her how I really feel but I think the baby is beautiful, shouldnt she?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:56 AM on Jun. 3, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • I'm sorry and my guess is that it is a defense mechinism of sorts. Not a good one but a coping method for sure. She may need reassurance from you as this child's parents that this child is loved and valued. She may need to believe that this child does not have any of her qualities in order to be able to just get by for right now and cope with that loss. Whatever the reason it is not appropriate and certainly it needs to be addressed in a careful way. She does apparently want to be in this child's life if she continues to be available and in contact. Which means she does love this child. She just may not be able to show it in all ways right now. I would not end contact but continue to stress that it is not appropriate. If that doesn't work then limit the type of contact and updates. If she asks why, tell her. Or she may be satisfied with the limited ways of communicating and updates.

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:43 PM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • Wow...I'm not sure how I'd deal with that.

    Answer by SarahColbert at 9:59 AM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • Obviously she is selfish and heartless.. hence the reason why she gave her baby up for adoption most likely in this situation. That baby is better off not being with her. Now, its your job as her mother to protect her. Don't let this lady in the babies life. IF it was an open adoption- record her say all of this. Just come out and say.. Look I don't appreciate you saying this. If she doesn't quit- take her back to court and get it so it is no longer open, but private.

    Answer by amy31308 at 10:01 AM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • I would be very stern and say NO MORE! If it continued you may have to extremely limit contact.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:18 AM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • OP here: the thing is that I dont think she she is trying to be mean, I think she just doesnt know where to draw the line with a joke. You know as a parent that it is okay to recognize your child's strengths and weaknesses but if another person comments on it, look out. Well, in her mind, I guess it is okay for her to comment since she made the baby.

    I have a self depricating (spelling?) sense of humor but I dont extend that to an infant.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:47 AM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • She is your child now and it is your place to protect your to children. I mean be nice but, tell her not to talk like that to them.

    Good luck,

    Answer by Ilovemydoggies at 11:59 AM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • What would you do if any other person was making rude comments about your child? It should be the same thing. I would give her a warning and tell her that you find her comments inappropriate (especially when done around another child) and that she needs to stop or contact will be limited. You can't have YOUR child growing up in an environment that would be detrimental to her self esteem.

    Above all, you need to be looking out for your child's best interest - not worrying about offending the birth mother.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:07 PM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • Have you ever thought it could be a really strange coping mechanism for her? She is probably SO hurt and SO jealous that you now have her child that she will say anything to try to make herself detached. I know it may be a little screwed up and a little hurtful to you, but I really think that's what it may be. And maybe before the baby was born she was saying she hoped it looked like her and not the birthfather because of a bad relationship or another reason that hasn't been exposed.

    Answer by lillie023 at 4:47 PM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • "Obviously she is selfish and heartless.. hence the reason why she gave her baby up for adoption most likely in this situation"

    And Obviously, you do not know the first thing about adoption. Unless this was a foster care adoption, I have my EXTREME doubts this birthmother gave her child up because she is "selfish and heartless". I'm quite offended, actually. You do not know the situation or the people involved personally so please do not jump to conclusions. I don't think she needs to just close the adoption because of a few rude comments. I think she should sit down with the birthmother and let her know how she's really feeling. OP, even if you've only known her a short while... you are the parent now so set some ground rules, but by all means don't cut her off for a few mistakes- especially if there is miscommunication concerning your feelings.

    Answer by lillie023 at 4:51 PM on Jun. 3, 2009

  • "I think the baby is beautiful, shouldn't she? " Not necessarily. When my twins were infants my boy looked like the Gerber baby but my girl sure didn't. She got cuter as she grew and now she's stunning, but she was not a pretty infant.  I don't think that's your real question is it? Your real question is how to deal with bmom. Communication is key in any relationship and you'll need to learn how to communicate with her. When you're not upset or angry, bring up that it bothers you when she insults her/your daughter, regardless of whether your other child is in the room or not. Tell her it's not ok with you.


    Answer by onethentwins at 7:11 PM on Jun. 3, 2009