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My husband is impossible!

we are going to therapy to work out our communication issues. he says he feels that I come across cold to him sometimes and I feel that he doesn't accept me for me and that causes him to not listen to me. Well, we had a session today and I felt uncomfortable with some of the things that were said and we were talking about it. It took me about 3 times of trying to talk to him about how I felt b4 he would acknowledge me and what I felt. He was somewhere else. Well, then out of nowhere he tells me how he feels insecure sometimes. I asked him why was that and he said he didn't know. Then he blamed me. I said that I have seen him be insecure around other ppl b4 and that maybe it was a bigger issue he needs to address than just how he feels that I make him feel that way. He said yeah but I said I don't want to talk about the other ppl. I told him that was fine I told him that I was sorry for acting defensive it was bc I was ......

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:29 AM on Jun. 4, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • It's really good that yall are talking altho I am SURE it feels incredibaly irritating right now!
    TXdanielly

    Answer by TXdanielly at 12:31 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • bc I was frustrated with him earlier. I told him that I wanted to hear him out and that I felt bad for how he felt about being insecure and feeling stupid. I told him I was open to talking about it. He got up and screamed at me and told me to leave him alone. I asked what that was about and he said to leave him alone. So I did. For about an hour we did not talk. Then I asked him if we could talk and he said yes and that he was sorry for screaming at me and then he walked away again. I was confused bc he said we could talk. I asked what was going on and he wouldn't talk to me. I asked him why he wouldn't talk to me and he said he doesn't want to talk to me bc I blew my chance. I didn't understand bc as soon as he said I was being rude I made the effort to correct and I gave him space to be alone and all of that. What is so wrong with asking to talk after all that? How did I blow it? I thought that fixing things took works and..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:33 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • that it would take time. I am not perfect but I tried. Why is he so impossible? Or am I really that awful for one mistake?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • maybe he needs you to listen more without saying anything at all. I mean really just sit there and listen with no comment beside affirming exactly what he says, like "you feel_______ because of ________" Listening does a whole lot to a person, especially someone who feels insecure already. Also talking when you are both in a calm and relaxed state... I would not have conversations when emotions are high... you just can't think clearly then.
    Precious333

    Answer by Precious333 at 12:41 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • You are right. I thought that things had cooled down. I did listen to him and then he wanted me to tell him that I was sorry for making him feel stupid. I didn't but I said I was sorry for his feeling and that I was there for him to talk. I didn't want to give no response so then he would feel I wasn't hearing him at all.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:47 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • Hello!
    I read your statement twice that is a lot of info and I can easily see how this can be sooooo frustrating! That said I think that you may be over analyzing things. Kudos to you both for working through your communication issues anyone one who has been there know labor pain is nothing compared to that lol! But don’t let it haunt you; if things get really heated try to understand that you are NOT his reason for the behavior. Miss placed anger often rears its ugly head in these situations. This is a much deeper issue and he feels safe “blaming” you. Now I use this term lightly because it is obvious that he is just spotting this tendency and most of the time people will blame the ones they are closest too just because that is the only safety. I seriously suspect that over the next few days (and maybe even a few weeks) he will began to really analyze this behavior pattern.
    Sarahedger

    Answer by Sarahedger at 1:02 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • Good news is you did not make him this way and you will together work through this and be a hundred times stronger for it in your relationship. And he will learn to trust your mental and emotional feedback and that is really rare in relationships we are always defensive in others analyzing our mental and emotional stability but I have to tell you when you both reach this sublime state (where you can be open/raw and open in your trust knowing it is safe for you to open) it is like reaching nirvana in your marriage. Just remain sensitive and supportive he is in a lot of pain and it is very likely he is clamming up because he does not know where this feeling is coming from or how even to deal with it. Show him love and empathy.
    Sarahedger

    Answer by Sarahedger at 1:03 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • Try not to hound him (I know it is human nature to get to the bottom of things but with some people who are more introverted or just don’t have a clear emotional identity of self it is a lot more challenging) be supportive and approach this tender situation as a deep wound. He is really hurting and it is too painful for him at this moment to really hash it out and perhaps this is his 1st emotional awaking (for lack of a better phrase) and just does not have the skills to deal with his fears and feelings in this issue. After reading your questions it is obvious you are a strong communicator! Just try (it is hard but do able :) to slow down a little and let him lean on you rather than demanding an explanation of why he feels this way. Also give yourself a pat on the back it is obvious you love him very much and are proactive in your relationship. Good luck to you both and take care!!!
    Sarahedger

    Answer by Sarahedger at 1:03 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • wow, this is deep. I hope you figure it all out. Meanwhile I'm going out to smell some roses. This is way too much for me. Glad I don't have to deal with it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:34 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

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