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I think my stepson blames me for his mother's flakiness. (is that a word)?

I feel like he blames me for his mother not always being there. In his head, I think the reason why mom doesn't do as much "mom stuff" is because I do it all. In reality, it is the opposite. I love him just the same as I love my biological daughter, I really really do. But it is getting so hard to handle him being so mean to me. He told his dad that if I weren't here, he and his mom would still be together, which also isn't the case. His parents were never really together. They dated off and on for a while, but when she got pregnant, they moved in together as roommates. Then when the baby was young, she just left while my husband was out. My husband and I met about 3 months later and have been together since. His mom kind of came back into his life when he was about 4. He is 8 now, and I really think he is being hateful toward me because of his feelings that he can't really understand. I feel so badly for him. What do I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:43 AM on Jun. 4, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • At least he is talking. Just keep talking. You are doing a good job. If you weren't it would NOT hurt. His dad needs to tell him or even his grandmother/your MIL that one day he and dad were at a family dinner and his mom decided that she needed to take care of herself first. Maybe even tell him that if he is lucky she will get herself straightened out by the time he is grown, but 1) it is not his fault and 2) whether or not his mom is flaky or well grounded has no bearing on his value as a person.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:17 PM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • IMO...your stepson doesn't have the whole story...look at it from his perspective. Chances are the "bad" stuff about his mom was said behind closed doors so as not to hurt him. Maybe it is time for his Dad to have a talk with him and "fill him in" ... just a little ... you still don't want him to see his biological mom in bad light, but perhaps to shed some better light on you. IE- Your Birth mom had some things in her life she needed to take care of so you Stepmom agreed to take on more of her responsibilities with you to help her out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:49 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • OP again

    The "mom stuff" is like doctor's appointments, school meetings, playdates and birthday parties, soccer practice, Karate lessons. She only goes when they fall on days that she has him which is Wednesday nights and every other weekend. And then she drops him off and comes back to get him when it is over. He told dad that he was "pissed" and acted out on me because he knew I would still love him tomorrow. He told my MIL he is feeling closer to me than his mom and he feels guilty about it this. And he told my sister that he would rather have had a good mom than to have to have two moms to get a good mom. And the other day, I asked him why he thought I didn't let him get away with doing things half way, and he said he didn't know but he was glad I did because he didn't want to be lazy like his mom. I feel so bad for him. I just wish she would either step up and be mom or step out, you know?

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:51 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • OP

    I should clarify that she left while dad was out with the baby. They went to a family dinner and she didn't want to go. So while they were gone, she packed up all of her things and moved to her mother's house.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • counseling.

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 11:59 AM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • Maybe some counseling would help him. He has a lot of anger it sounds like. Anger he projects towards you because he does not have the tools to deal with it in a constructive manner. I think a child psychologist would be very beneficial to all of you. It will only get worse if you ignore it and he approaches his teen yrs. I would also recomend the book Blended Families. It really helped me a lot. Good luck.

    Answer by salexander at 2:17 PM on Jun. 4, 2009

  • I understand his anger, but there is an appropriate way to express this and inappropriate ways. Your SS is choosing an inappropriate way because he is blaming and attacking you. I am a step mom myself and your SS is out of line. Your husband needs to nip this blaming talk in the bud. You both should encourage him to talk about his sadness and disappointment with his mom, but it should not be open season to abuse the step mom verbally.

    He should also be talked to very seriously about how there is no way in heck that his dad, your husband, will drop you to take back his mom. The happy little family he is envisioning in his head is not reality, will never be reality and at 8, he is old enough to understand that you are not going any where.

    How you handle this now is going to determine the rest of your life with your husband. Don't let this child steal your joy by his inappropriate directing of anger.

    Answer by lilangilyn at 3:54 PM on Jun. 4, 2009