• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How often do you visit your loved ones grave sites?

I have a serious phobia....maybe not a phobia, but I never visit my loved ones graves. It's not that I don't care, or didn't really love them, it's just that I have no idea what to do or say, all I do is stand there in a stiff position, and get all worked up,....crying as if I'm re-living their deaths/funerals all over. What is wrong with me? How do I solve this problem? Does this make me a bad person for never visiting or taking flowers??? I feel sad about this ;( sigh......

Answer Question
 
mothergoose

Asked by mothergoose at 12:34 PM on Jun. 5, 2009 in Religion & Beliefs

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • I don't think it makes you a bad person. I don' t visit grave sites..
    Aasiyah

    Answer by Aasiyah at 12:35 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • Remember the dead is in your heart, your mind, your memories, not in a grave yard.
    Aasiyah

    Answer by Aasiyah at 12:36 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • I would go visit the grave sites of my loved ones if they were nearby to where I lived. I'm the complete opposite of what you are describing of yourself. A cemetery to me is one of the absolutely most peaceful places I could be, as weird as that may sound. Everything is so quiet and serene, and it makes me feel the love that all those people shared with their families and friends and ones that they cared for....and it makes me remember good things, the reason why I'd be going to visit there in the first place. Don't get me wrong, though, I don't HANG OUT in cemeteries at all. That is definitely weird.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:43 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • I don't visit grave sites much either. I don't believe the dead person is there, just the shell they lived in. Their real self, their personality, their "soul" if you please, is not in that box down in that hole. Their conciousness is somewhere else, whether you believe in Heaven or Summerland or something else, that is where their "self" is, in a happier place. Remember the happy times and be at peace.
    pagan_mama

    Answer by pagan_mama at 12:43 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • There's nothing wrong with you. People deal with grief in all sorts of different ways. The person you love isn't in that graveyard. Our bodies are just loaner vehicles to get around in while we're here --- and that's all that's there.

    Don't try to force yourself to do something that really isn't for the dead anyways --- visiting a grave is to help console those left behind, and that's obviously not the result it's having for you.

    Instead, why not donate (time, money, or goods) to a charity that was important to your loved ones in their name a few times a year. That's a wonderful way to keep their memory alive ---both in you & in others.
    Laura1229

    Answer by Laura1229 at 12:46 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • NO IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON! MY FATHER DIED 24 YEARS AGO, FOR MANY YEARS I USE TO GO ON A WEEKLY BASIS, I WOULD CLEAN UP HIS SITE AND PLATE AND PUT FRESH FLOWERS AND LEAVE, IT GAVE ME A GOOD FEELING TO DO SO. ALTHOUGH I AM AWARE THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH LEFT OF HIM THERE, THIS IS THE LAST I SAW OF HIM. NOW I GO ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS LIKE HIS BIRTHDAY, FATHERS DAY. I FEEL GOOD GOING, I BRIEFLY TALK TO HIM AND MAKE HIS SITE NOT LOOK ABANDONED.
    older

    Answer by older at 1:00 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • I don't ever go visit the cemetary. All my grandparents are there (well their bodies are). But I personally believe that they are in heaven with the Lord. So I don't feel a need to go there to be close to them. Sometimes I go drive my grandma's old house and sit out front and think of all the good times I had there. But the last time the new resident came out of the house and chased me away. ha ha. She probably thought I was planning a robbery.

    Or I will go to the places that remind me of them. I think of them often and I look forward to seeing them again. It is so funny because everything that reminds me of my grandma is like my favorite. I love old lady perfume, still life paintings, coffee after dinner, etc. I laugh and think that if she was still here we would be exactly the same person, lol.

    I hope it helps to hear that people remember their LO's in different ways.
    Cinnamon-mom

    Answer by Cinnamon-mom at 1:06 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • I don't AT ALL. I am connected to my mother's spirit on the Other Side. The grave only holds her discarded mortal body...not HER. She visits in my dreams (the subconcious is more open to their messages in the dreaming state) and I talk to her. No one is in that grave. Your loved one is NOT there. They don't even CARE any more, what happens to those remains. Why should you? I also consider funerals to be a waste as well. Your loved ones exist all around you, not at a cemetary.
    witchqueen

    Answer by witchqueen at 1:09 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • I don't. Mostly. My dad was cremated so we have his ashes - not an issue with him. For my mom, I just don't get anything from going to the cemetery. My grandparents are 6 plots to the left, my great uncle 2 plots over from them. Her next door neighbor growing up is 2 plots behind her. The rest of my extended family is scattered around the same general area along the same drive. If I make the drive out there when I'm home visiting, it doesn't feel at all like she's there, and at the same time I feel this obligation to go visit every other relative I have there going back 100 years. Ends up taking 4 hours, and for nothing really. I spend most of the time wondering if I'm stepping on someone.
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 1:09 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

  • We dont.

    The only graves near us belong to my DH's mother and grandmother and he refuses to go there. When I asked why he says because there isnt anyone there so why go.
    Amaranth361

    Answer by Amaranth361 at 1:15 PM on Jun. 5, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.