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Bmoms - did people pressure you to allow the PAPs in the delivery room?

I've been wondering about this since I've seen several people say they wish they'd kept the PAPs out of the delivery room. Do PAPs or agencies/facilitators commonly put pressure on emoms to allow the PAPs in the delivery room? Our DD's bmom invited me to be there (and I was hoping she would), but I would not have dreamed of inviting myself. I would think it would be common knowledge that you don't invite yourself into someone else's L&D room, no matter what the situation, but I guess there are all kinds out there.


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 2:36 PM on Jun. 7, 2009 in Adoption

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This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • Absolutely, I am all for whatever bmom needs to get through it. Everyone has different needs and different feelings. Some want to be alone with the child, some don't even want to look or see the child, others need friends and fam, some want to involve the new parents right away. Everyone copes, and grieves, and experiences things differently. Sounds like you did just fine. I hope you told bmom thank you. No one ever told me thank you for my choice. And as far as my friend goes there was no thank you, just entitlement. My heart really broke for her., but she's doing well today, and has a family of her own now.

    Answer by Steff107 at 3:26 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • Oh no, not at all. I just thought it would be special for them to witness their son being born. I thought it would mean something to our son. However, I do wish I would have kept thm out of the hosptial until both my son and I were discharged. I don't regret having them be in the delivery room, but I do regret having them stay in the hospital. I didn't get any alone time with my son after he was born.

    Answer by rainfalls at 2:40 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • I think that happened with my friend when she had her baby. Except get this, the ENTIRE adopted family invited themselves!!! We are talking about 20 people. Aunts uncles, brother's, sisters cousins you name it! She was not comfortable with it and wishes she would have said no. The adoptive parents were there in the room during delivery and their whole fam was outside waiting and listening!!! I was very close with her the entire pregnancy and I knew how hard it was for her to do what she was doing and I felt it was very selfish and insensetive. I know they were excited, but they were gonna have that baby the rest of their was her turn to say goodbye and she felt it hindered her. She wishes she would have spoken up. I believe they should respect what the person is going through and their wishes. If you are pressuring a bmom for ANYTHING something may not be right! It's not their baby yet...

    Answer by Steff107 at 2:44 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • We did not wish to be present as adoptive parents. We were invited but it was not something I personally wanted. I thought it strange to be honest. I did not know this person really. A few phone calls, a few letters being exchanged, or a few in person visits does not make for knowing someone very well. In one situation we were invited and then uninvited. It did not hurt our feelings at all. More like, what a relief! Anything said would sound selfish or contrived. So not wanting to sound selfish I wanted them to have privacy. Because she didn't know us and we didn't know her. in the second situation we were late by four hours. I would not want to be there. In the hospital yes. In the room no. That was her time. I did not invite family or friends b/c until all is said and done you don't know if that will be the baby you bring home.

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:58 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • I apologize if I come off mean, I feel very strongly about respect bmoms wishes. If she wants you there awesome! Just be very aware and sensitive to what she is going through.

    Answer by Steff107 at 3:02 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • Steff107, I agree that it was insensitive for the aparents to invite their whole family. It should be about what the emom wants. We had no family present, and we were there because she wanted us there. The day after DD was born, we were waiting at home for the SW to call, but she never did. Our bmom looked up our number in the phone book and called us, asking us to get down there. For her, it was harder to be alone with the baby. We were careful to never enter her hospital room without her specifically asking for us. We felt that we should let her have that couple of days to be alone with DD. I didn't think your post came off mean at all.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 3:15 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • Steff107, I can't even imagine how someone could not say "thank you" for such a gift! Yes, we told her thank you. We are very close now, and I've gotten pretty mushy on her in more than a few of the letters, especially early on. This is the woman who made me a mother! She is also a good friend now. I know there's really no way to erase the pain, but people should be treated with respect.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 3:52 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • To add to my answer.. my son's adoptive parents (who are also my parents), treated me horribly after my son was born. They literally made me feel like I was trash and that they didn't need me anymore.. that contributes to me regretting having them stay in the hospital.

    Answer by rainfalls at 9:57 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • No not at all. I was the one insisting the adoptive parents stay in the room with me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:00 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • I think every situation is different. Our child's bmom thought it was odd that we didnt bring relatives with us. She took it as a sign of lack of support. Luckily we got past that misunderstanding but it upset here that we didnt have our family/friends there.

    I can also say that the hosptial she delivered in was really funny about us being there. We had to sign all kinds of HIPPA forms since we were in the room while her medical condition was being discussed. (we were not there when she actually delivered though)

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:10 PM on Jun. 7, 2009