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what do i tell my son about not getting to see his dad

My son is 4 years old almost 5 and his lived with only me for almost his whole life, he use to see his dad on a regular basis, once a week but for the past few months he has seen him once i have called him a few times and he never return my calls. My son asks for him every weekend because thats when he usually gets to see him because he doesnt have school. He hasent been going over there anmore so he has been getting sooo upset with me and crying begging me to let him see his daddy!!! I feel soo bad and i just dont know what to tell him, i usually just say he busy or working or he will call when he can come see you, but it still doesnt help much. we both live in the same town so its not like it would be hard to arrange him to see him, but his ded doesnt return my calls, Would it be wrong for me to tell my son his dad moved?? Any tips or sujestions would be extreamily helpful thanks..

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mishaspishas

Asked by mishaspishas at 7:50 PM on Jun. 7, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

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Answers (8)
  • aww thats terrible! you certainly seem to be trying to contact this deadbeat! I wonder why he suddenly doesnt want ANYTHING to do with his dear son. I dont know if I'd lie to him and say he moved...maybe have your son leave a message? well if his call wasnt returned I can picture him asking why his daddy hasnt called and would feel even more hurt. I dont know how to answer this question mama, but I hope someone has a solution for you!
    Owl_Feather

    Answer by Owl_Feather at 8:03 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • Im sorry to hear this. I went threw this with my now 24yr old daughter. Hun, dont lie to your son. Tell him the truth the best way you can that a 4 year old will understand. I lived lie after lie so my daughter wouldnt be hurt. She ended up not trusting me. Tell him that you tried to call and he isnt answering. Leave it at that. You dont know why he isnt answering, he just isnt. Best of luck for your son and yourself. Be gentle and honest. Someday your son will remember and love you for not lying to him.
    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 8:11 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • There is no easy way to handle a situation like this, and your going to be the bad guy not him! I grew up going threw the same thing my "father" never wanted to see me, going to the bar and everything else was more important! I was always angery with my mom until I was older and truly seen what had happend. But as for lying to your son and telling him he moved, I dont think it will make it any easier, and in the end you will truly be the bad guy if he ever finds out. I would not do that! I would just try and make it as easy on him as possible, when he asks just say he is busy and then say but we can watch a movie or read a book. Make him want to be with you, and soon he will stop asking.
    mrsmamaj

    Answer by mrsmamaj at 8:11 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • Don't lie and tell him he moved-that will only backfire on you later. I'd be honest and just tell him that you've called his dad, and you don't know why he isn't calling back or coming to see him. I'd just explain to him that you are sorry, you know it makes him feel bad, but that you have done everything you can and will continue to do everything you can. It really isn't something you can do anything about, you are clearly making more than enough effort, it's his dad that is failing him, not you. Just continue to be there for him and love him and do what you can for him.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:52 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • i have been in you shoes and still there pretty much with my sons dad. my son is now 9 but his dad left when he was 3 and the way i delt with it was i always made sure to tell him that his dad loved him. i never made excuses for his dad though and i never bad mouthed him either i simply said i don't know why he's not seeing you. and the anger is going to come no matter what. your child is going to take it out on you because your the one there and it's hard for them to understand why their dad is not there. so don't take offense to it. just be there for you child to vent to and let the anger out and afterwards give them tons of hugs and kisses and tell them you love them. and eventually they will see the true colors of the father or hopefully the father will realize what he is missing and everything will work out.
    cleo2582

    Answer by cleo2582 at 11:42 PM on Jun. 7, 2009

  • I totally feel you on this one, My son who is now 7 knows the truth and understands. When he was younger and I was dating people I made sure that I did not call them "daddy" because they were not. About a year and some ago he asked me, who is my dad? I already promised him I wouldn't lie. I told him who he was and where he lived and that he has not contacted me to see him and that he knew my number and where we lived. Andrew was sad to hear this but he was never angry with me thank goodness, it broke my heart to see him like this. In the past 7 years his "father" has seen him under 10 times and never bought him anything and has paid less then 400 in child support. Andrew knows who his father is and knows that he doesn't make an effort and hes fine with it, I have someone in my life that is showing him "guy" stuff like soccer. But the point is don't lie, it may break your heart to tell them the real situation.But it will be ok
    Supermommy9803

    Answer by Supermommy9803 at 3:51 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • I have been thru this with my dd and I spoke with a counselor about it. Dont lie to your son or cover for the dad. Tell your son that you will call and leave a msg. but that you havent spoken with his dad. Ask him if he would like to leave a msg. be upfront with your son. You can tell him that you dont know why his dad hasnt been calling, but when he does call we can ask him. YOu dont want to be the one always making excuses. Let dad make his own. When he is upset validate his feelings' " being disappointed doesnt feel good" 'when im disappointed I like to go for a walk and get the grumpies out...or draw a picture, or hug someone" (just let them be healthy behaviors).
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 5:23 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • God! Men suck! I will never ever for the life of me understand how a parent can do this to an innocent child. I would consult a child psychologist if I were you. There are issues that need to be handled by a professional, this one is out of our league. He will need tools to cope with being ignored. Hopefully out of sight out of mind eventually. My ex did this but my kids were older. My poor DD would stand at the end of our drive waiting because Daddy said he would pick them up and take them to dinner. I had to pick up the pieces when he never showed. Still makes me vomit in my mouth and she is now 18. I finally said " you want to see them then see them but if you are going to blow them off you can't get them anymore" We have not seen him in yrs. I don't understand. As hard as it may be never bash him in front of your child. Get him some help though.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 3:49 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

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