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what should i do? whos right in this situation?

my 13 year old daughter had her teem party today. they where holding at a household pool. Well, she seemed fine about going and was sitting in the car when her brother walks in with a towel and swimsuit. She says "what are you doing your not coming to my party!" and her stepddad says "yes he is the conversation is closed" so my daughter gets up and walks out of the car and refuses to go. step dad leaves for other brothers school event. I get home and yell and say why didnt you go. her response "noone asked me if it would be okay. no one ever asks me." i said thats bs. she said "okay how about the time you took my computer and let adam(other bro) use it for a year and you wont let me take it back? how about the time you designed my whole room without even asking me once what i thought? how about the time you made me move and didnt tell me till a month before?" At that point i started yelling at her about how im the eld. et.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 PM on Jun. 8, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • She sounds right..sorry to say..she sounds like she is starting to get older and mature and is ready to hear the truth and be trusted. Sounds like you need to realize that she is getting older and ready to hear the truth and confide in her. Open up to eachother, tell eachother how you feel. Good luck!
    Ambie0526

    Answer by Ambie0526 at 9:17 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • cont.... she said "being an elder doesnt mean you can disregard everyones opinion and yours is the only one that matters. You treat me like a dog and act like everything in my life is up to you." what should i do?
    dani.elle

    Answer by dani.elle at 9:18 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • teenage hormones, crazy. don't you remember?
    mandielynn23

    Answer by mandielynn23 at 9:19 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • Until she is 18 and out of your house it's your rules. Don't give in, it can develop a sense of entitlement with teens these days. It doesn't mean ignore how she feels, but you are the boss. She needs to learn that everything doesn't go the way we think it should, and when it doesn't we don't act out. Validate her feelings but don't allow her to make you feel guilty or manipulate either.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 9:20 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • You gave her computer to her brother? You did not tell her about a move until right before? I am sorry, but in this case, it sounds like she is right. While I agree that parents are in charge, children have to be allowed possessions, some privacy unless it's abused, and warning about major changes. You are treating her like a toddler. If you want her cooperation, you are going to have to work with her, not against her. I am normally all about the parent being in charge, but you have to give her some control over her life, or you will lose her completely.
    kemclaughlin

    Answer by kemclaughlin at 9:38 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • You should have the final say, but she is old enought to be kept in the loop and confronted about certain things....those are all things that would bother me at this age, let alone 14.
    I would say that she has good points and maybe you are not showing her enough repsect.
    Dont get me wrong, you are the parent but your children need to be respected as individuals also and feel like their opinions matter and their feelings are validated. I would be so upset if I knew that my parents were making plans that effected my life (like moving) and didnt tell me until right before. I would expect my kids to be upset as well.

    jenellemarie

    Answer by jenellemarie at 9:39 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • If it was her team party why was her brother going? And since it was her party, I do think she should have been at least informed ahead of time and not surprised. All the things that she mentioned, she should have been told and explained about, not just had them done. Yes, you are the elder but don't act like a dictator. There is a difference. She is old enough to understand why some things need to be done, computer given to brother (if there are logical reasons for that) and moving (that is disrupting her life). As far as decorating her room, why wouldn't she have a say in that? Sounds like you need to start talking and stop ordering.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:43 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • Wow. I'm usually on the parents' side, but this time I gotta go with the kid. Why was her brother going? Seems unfair. Why couldn't he go with dad to the other son's thing? Giving her computer to brother- gonna cause issues. Moving without some serious warning- another uh oh. Your daughter's questions & complaints are fair & valid. Maybe you guys need to sit down & talk about why so many decisions affecting her are being made without any input from her.
    eeyoreplus4

    Answer by eeyoreplus4 at 10:59 PM on Jun. 8, 2009

  • Normally I agree with parents but this time you need to take deep breaths and pause. I have 3 kids that are grown and you have to keep them informed and let them make decisions. I don't understand what you were thinking when you let someone else have her laptop. Don't make the mistake and be arrogant Mama. Now is the time to atone and let her know you are human and you make mistakes. Don't let pride eat at you and say "my house" type motto. Talk to her and come to agreements that are fair. Don't shut her out anymore or she will shut you out when she is on her own.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • You are going to have a hard time giving her rules/advice about relationships and other teen behaviour, if you can't even discuss laptops, moves, rooms, parties with her. When she decides she doesn't want to discuss sex, getting pregnant, etc. with you... it will be too late. And sure, you can decide its your house, your rules.. but it will be your grandkid if she gets pregnant some day, and I don't think your are setting a good example for a daughter to live under a dictatorship.

    You don't have to be 100% in agreement, but you should discuss 100% of the time - have an exchange and then set the rules - and as much as possible, let her decide and let her have some freedom.
    PhillyinFrance

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 4:45 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

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