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Small Untruths....I've been seeing this guy for several months now. He's a really nice guy, good job, stable, committed, sweet.

I was in an abusive marriage, and he knows this. He tries so hard to make me feel secure and safe. The problem is he is trying so hard, and he is telling little fibs to do so. Things like saying he's been in martial arts since he was 8, which I would believe except he then says his parents don't know about it. Or he'll embellish something, like his military history, make it sound like he did more than he could have, considering how long he was in, and when. I know he's only trying to impress me, make me believe that he can protect me, but he doesn't need to say these things to do so. How can I let him know I know he's fibbing without totally humiliating him? I know he doesn't lie to me about big things, I've checked up on him. It's just little things, actually just the two things I mentioned. Any suggestions?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:42 AM on Jun. 9, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Next time he "embellishes" tell him nicely, that he doesn't need to say those kinds of things to impress you...he has already impressed you by _________ (cite specific examples of how he makes you feel safe and loved). Tell him he can just "be himself" because you already love him and enjoy being with HIM.

    It's possible he embellishes because he has his own insecurities. Maybe he wanted to participate in martial arts at age 8, but his parents said no, so it's something that always stuck in his mind. Look deeper into what he's saying and try and figure out why.

    It's possible he needs a little reassurance from you, just as much as you need it from him.
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 7:51 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Maybe you can tell him that you feel safe just being around him and you don't think that he needs to use his martial arts or his military training to do that. Maybe that will help him to save face and not be humiliated because he will know that you know that he is fibing. He's not hurting anyone with a fib.
    homealone_10

    Answer by homealone_10 at 7:48 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I can't think of any quick decisive way that would save his face. Try positive comments when he tells the truth. When you are watching a TV program where somebody lies, comment that it just isn't necessary to lie and it is so much better when people don't do that. Don't indicate in any way that this is other than a general comment (no sideways looks, etc.) Or if a couple of friends have a rocky marriage (or a good marriage) comment that her husband lied to protect her (or never lied.) It will take time, maybe months to get the right time to comment and then do it lightly and move on. The seed will be planted in his mind. Remember that usually men don't like to talk over and over about things like we do.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 7:51 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Just make sure it doesn't snowball. I dated a guy that had little fibs about his military and he ended up crushing my life. He took things from me and sold them, when I asked where everything was he didn't know.  He told me he paid rent and then I got evicted on xmas eve after coming home on my lunch break to find him getting arrested.  Not saying this would happen to you my guy was a jerk but it made me put my guard up.  Point of the story I don't like any fibs and I'll ask myself/"him" if he doesn't tell me the truth about that what else is there?

    HolliBerry21

    Answer by HolliBerry21 at 7:59 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I've always heard it said that if a person will lie about one thing, he will lie about anything. So this could be a red flag that maybe you should reconsider the relationship. People usually lie for a reason, even if they only tell "small" lies. It could be an indication that he is really a very insecure person after all. I would wonder if he was really as protective of me as he has claimed. At any rate, I would be more concerned about what it reveals about his character than I would be in "fixing" him up so that he looks better. If you say something, he might just be more careful for a while, and then you would discover that he has deep seated issues. A good plan might be to just ask him, "Why do you lie about these things?" I would be more concerned about the truth than about sparing his feelings. Lies should always be exposed because they tend to get bigger and bigger. The goal should be to stop him from lying.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:17 AM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Small things can lead to big things.
    So he is trying to make you feel secure but doing it the wrong way.
    Just be honest with him...for me the little fibs would steer me away.
    If he continues to do it after you tell him there is no need to...
    I would not beable to trust him.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 9:55 AM on Jun. 9, 2009