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My best friend is such a crappy mom! How do I help her GROW UP?

Okay, so my best friend of like 10 years has a baby girl who is a few days shy of 1! My bf is 23 and has fertility problems.....she went on and on about wanting a baby for a while. Now she has her and dont take care of her. The baby is with her grandparents A LOT of the time. (babys dad lives with them) Even when both my friend and her SO are in the same house with the baby, they still let her grandparents care for her. Then when she decides to take the baby and go home, she bitches because the baby dont respond to her. Because she wont sleep in her crib mostly. She says "I cant deal with the crying" and the kid dont even cry much! And she talkes about wanting another baby!!!! It makes me so mad! I am moving to a very nice place soon...(vacation wise) and I told her to bring the baby, she said hell no, I cant party when I have her! I have told her she is making A HUGE mistake but she wont listen! GRRR

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:51 PM on Jun. 9, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (13)
  • I have had the same problem really there is not a lot you can do about it!! They have to learn in there own time and its sad!! Why don't you sit her down and tell her how you feel and what your seeing is wrong!!

    SD777

    Answer by SD777 at 1:59 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I am sorry but you can't do anything to help her grow up. She will have to grow up on her own. I see young moms like this all the time. They think having a baby is going to fill some hole in their life. Usually the void left by an absent mother or father. And rather than consider that they don't want that for their own children, they rush into having children so they can have someone who loves them.

    And they think its fun for a while. It is fun to be pregnant and be the center of attention. It is fun at first when you see this tiny precious baby sleeping on your chest. But it loses its charm when the baby seems to cry arbitrarily and you can't do anything about it. And when you have changed your hundredth dirty diaper.

    (continued)
    casperskitty

    Answer by casperskitty at 2:00 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • It may sound harsh, but it's really not your problem. I know it's hard to sit back and watch, but thats what you need to do. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. When we interfere in other people's business we end up losing friends, getting in fights and other messy situations. Be a good example by being the best mom YOU can be, and if you choose to stay her friend just accept it. I know, it's hard for that child, but there's not much you can do. I made some stupid choices and my friend stuck by me and supported me, she recently put herself in a situation that was horribly irresponsible and how quickly I forgot that she had not lectured me, and supported me when I screwed up really bad. I have made the choice to be there for her, she doesn't need me to tell her how irresponsible she was, she knows.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 2:02 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • They don't realize that a baby is a tiny tyrant with absolutely no reasoning ability. You can't reason with a baby, you can't convince them to do anything. You have to be at their beck and call every minute of every day.

    And to have another baby when she doesn't care for the first one. You may be able to convince her not ot do that. Remind her of every awful moment of her pregnancy, and delivery, and when her baby was a newborn.

    But you won't be able to make her grow up. And she may never grow up. Some young and immature moms stay that way.
    casperskitty

    Answer by casperskitty at 2:05 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Just be thankful that the baby does have responsible people that are capable of caring for it, in its life.

    Also it could be partially the grandparents fault. I have a friend whose parents simply are so overbearing that even though she wants to be a mother, her mother is making it impossible and she feels helpless (due to how she was raised) to do anything about it.
    Lesli

    Answer by Lesli at 2:05 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I don't think there is a lot you can do for someone who doesn't want to do better. You can keep pointing out to her the mistakes she is making, but she likely won't care about that either. The child is lucky to have grandparents who will take care of her. You can also tell her that she need not expect this child to just suddenly fall in love with her mom at some point later on. She will always feel closer to the grandparents because they are the ones who are taking care of her. It's very sad when people have children to fulfill some need for nesting or just for the experience and are not really selfless enough to invest in the lives of their little ones. She will probably come to regret the way she is living, but it will be too late for the child to have had the parenting that she needed and deserved to have. Bless you for being concerned and I would keep trying for the sake of the child.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:06 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Yes but she wants to bring more kids into it!!!!!!!! I know what happens when moms do this! I am not in any way shape or form putting myself up higher than her...I had my first son when I was 16. My grandparents had him ALOT. (he is 6 and I have him now) but it is really hard! She is screwing with the kid and herself. I feel like shit every single day, because I lost that really close bond with my son. Now I have 2 kids and will NEVER put myself there again! I told her, to look at my mistakes. And learn from them! She says She is going to change things....and takes her DD home for 1 day then back to grandmas she goes!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • Well I think you should talk to her from time to time! Not lecture her but talk to her if you have been friends for that long she should be ok with that!! If she gets really defensive than she knows shes wrong and she just needs some guidance!! My sister was real bad and I had some talks with her and she is doing so much better!! I'm not saying that I'm perfect ( believe me no one is perfect) but I could not sit by and watch that with out opening my mouth!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I somewhat agree with a pp. The grandparents may be a big part of the problem. Not because they won't let the girl be the mother, but because they won't make her. If they would refuse to be her babysitting service, she might be more responsible. I'm not saying they should never offer, but if she knows that at any given moment she can just leave the kid with her grandparents, what's to stop her? They need to make her take care of her own child.

    Then, they also have to be sure that she isn't going to just take the baby to a party with her. I know of moms who have done that. It is really sickening to think that these moms party and drive around all hours of the night with a baby in the car.
    casperskitty

    Answer by casperskitty at 2:13 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I have the same problem. My bff would be there for me in a heart beat! Give anyone the shirt off their back. But her personal life is a disaster! She has been a single Mom since we have been friends. She has dated men, women you name it. She has two DD's that basically raise themselves. He eldest had a baby at age 13 and her youngest has some chormosonal issues that will always keep her at home with Mom, she is just...off if you know what I mean. Can shower feed herself etc but could never live alone. I don't understand how such a wonderful person who would do anything for anybody can let her own go like that. It really is sad.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

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