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Birthmoms - When you were pregnant and going through the adoption process did you really feel selfless and brave?

If you didn't, what were your feelings at that time? If you did, how do you feel about it now? Have your feelings changed?


Asked by Anonymous at 4:21 PM on Jun. 9, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (22)
  • Selfless and brave? No, I felt afraid, weak, scared and as though I allowed my son's adoption because I wasn't strong enough to fight to find a way to keep him. I caved in to pressure and allowed someone else to control me. It felt wrong, and yet, I allowed it to happen. There's nothing brave about that to me. But, I knew so little about adoption when I relinquished, or I never would have done so.

    I hate the idea that we praise expectant moms and tell them that it is brave and good to give their babies to others to raise. I don't believe that it is usually the best decision and wish we did not glamorize and make relinquishing a child appear to be a noble, and good act.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:04 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • I am pregnant right now and in the process of searching for an adoptive family. I feel like I am doing the best thing for myself, the two children i have and the baby that I am carrying. I dont exactly feel "brave" but I feel like I am doing the right thing and that gives me a HUGE sense of peace

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I am a birthmother, I placed my second daughter in a semi open plan in July 07.
    I didnt feel brave, or selfless, I felt like I was punking out. Like I was trying to find the easy way out of a very though place. However, I have learned that I was doing what was best for her. I was becoming homeless, I had my eldest daughter whom at the time was 7. I was in huge debt to a few friends. And although I know now it was what was best THEN, I still feel like I punked out a little. I still wonder if in the very end, if I did do the right thing. I miss her and want her with me each and ever day till this very day. Its hard to have to make a plan based on "NOW". Because NOW, 2 yrs later, I am in sure a better place to where I can parent. And it hurts like hell that she isnt here.

    Answer by TLW514 at 6:21 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  •               Adoption is the ultimate sacrifice, a pregnant woman would be willing to do, for the good sake of her baby.



    Answer by mysa at 11:14 PM on Jun. 9, 2009

  • I don't think mothers that are in thinking about adoption all feel SELFLESS and BRAVE.. I think they are trying their best to do what THEY FEEL is best for THEIR CHILD. For whatever the reason- It is a choice that mother has made through painful thought and consideration. I have seen both sides of adoption and as a woman who now desires to adopt, and as a friend who watched my best friend decide adoption for her baby when we were teens - It is not easy and I don't think there is any forever mom who thinks after adoption that she feels selfless and brave.

    Answer by dngoodwin73 at 12:07 AM on Jun. 10, 2009

  • bravery is merely "doing it afraid" because you feel that your making the best decision you can.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:51 AM on Jun. 10, 2009

  • I thought I was making the right decision, but I certainly didn't think I was brave or selfless. After all was said and done, I felt like a coward and a failure and over the course of the months that followed, realized that her adoption was completely un-neccessary.

    Answer by randi1978 at 1:59 PM on Jun. 10, 2009

  • No... I felt like a helpless/worthless piece of shit. When I look back on it I feel like what I did was selfish because I did have every opportunity to raise my son; I just told myself every reason why I shouldn't because of the criticism and lack of support I had.

    Answer by rainfalls at 2:59 PM on Jun. 10, 2009

  • Failure... I felt like I failed my son. He was given to me to raise and I gave him away...

    Answer by rainfalls at 3:06 PM on Jun. 10, 2009

  • I wouldn't use the word selfless because I knew my reasons, wanting to stay in the US and not be a poor single mom, were what I thought would be best for me. I knew that being adopted was not ideal, i.e. best for him, but better than being aborted and so I felt I was doing a noble, and yes brave, thing. But, I've always know I was brave, still am, for several reasons that have nothing to do with adoption. What I didn't know was the emotional damaged losing your child to adoption does to a woman , and even worse the damage it can do to the child. When I read the list of adoptee issues and realised my son suffered with every one except overacheiving it was heartbreaking. If I'd had known that he wasn't a blank slate and even his model parents couldn't replace me, I'd have taken my sorry knocked up ass to England and I'm sure I wouldn't have been poor or single for long. Hindsight is 20/20. Now I feel guilt and shame.

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:46 PM on Jun. 10, 2009