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My oldest wont tell me about her boyfriend

My oldest daughter has a boyfriend. She is 14. She won't even tell me she has a boyfriend, but i heard it from her sister. I want to build my relationship with her and be able to have her trust me with this kind of stuff. Relationships are hard at 14, and I know that, I just feel like i need to be there more for her then i am.

Anyways, how do I get her to tell me about her boyfriend without upsetting her and her saying that i was "snooping into her personal buisness"?

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Asked by BellaSnow at 7:53 PM on Jun. 11, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (11)
  • i don't know what will work, but i do know that if you don't have a sit down and chat kinda relationship, than repeatedly asking her won't work. my mom tried that with me and it drove me nuts b/c we'd never had a sit down and talk kinda relationship then when i was a teen she all of a sudden wanted to have one. it pissed me off more than it did any good. so maybe take her to do something she likes, and see if while you are out the conversation turns towards friends, if it does and you haven't mentioned the boyfriend yet, ask her if she has one and go from there.

    Answer by vabchmommy at 7:59 PM on Jun. 11, 2009

  • I say talk to her about dating...if its okay with you you can mention that. maybe take her out for coffee so it makes her feel more adult...I dunno but make time specfically for that convo

    Answer by Dom123123 at 8:02 PM on Jun. 11, 2009

  • I would just bring it up some time while you together. Say you heard she might have a boyfriend. Ask her alittle bit about him then let it go at that. Don't make a hugh Deal out of it thou cause that is what they are afraid you will do . But if you just bring it up, say alittle and drop it , let her come to you the next time telling you alittle more. she will in her time. this way you are opening the door for her , and it might make it alittle easier. ( I WOULDN'T let my 14 yr old date and wouldn't open the door to that unless that is what your willing to let happen)

    Answer by Shaqbe4u at 8:18 PM on Jun. 11, 2009

  • I have a 16 yo. and it just gets harder. I agree with vabchmommy, it will just piss her off if you start asking questions out of the blue. Maybe if you talked about other things, friends, school, anything, the subject of boys may just come up. I'll say this, it is so important to keep the lines of communication open. She has to know that she can come to you with anything. I tell my girls that, and I may cry, scream and yell, but I will cool off and then the real conversation can start..
    It is had for them to realize we were once their age.
    Good luck,

    Answer by wallmom1 at 8:23 PM on Jun. 11, 2009

  • I agree with some of the PP. Think like a teen... drama, gossip, chit chat.

    Since my kids were in Jr High (where I don't know all the kids like I did in primary) I make a big effort to ask about friends, teachers, who works hard, who's friends with who, who has a bf, etc. My daughter now tells me out of the blue (like I'm really interested?!!?), but essentially it allowed to discuss topics with her like "do your friends talk about their periods, etc'.. and now I do the same for boys, parents, sex, etc. You have to be careful to be interested, don't judge, don't repeat, just exchange - keep comments for the really important stuff.

    One thing my dd does is post stuff on her blog or FB and she has also told me some pretty wild stuff by text - at least, it gets the conversation started.

    That said, it hasn't worked for my son... he answers my questions with the strict minimum of info!?!


    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 6:48 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • I would probibly start like.. A little bird tld me that you like someone... and (if) she opens the door with conversation as in her asking who told or what ever... Say it doesn't matter but you'd like to know more... As in where did they meet, Whats he like, what color hair, eyes, And most deffinately tell that you know he must be cute in ored for her to like him... Just make her feel like it is special thing that intrest you and that its not a bad thing and you'd like to know more...If you tease her she won't talk and if you attack her with this she won't talk... You could even ask her if he plays sports to get her to open up...

    Answer by mxmtaylor at 8:03 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • You don't want to damage her relationship with her sister, so tread carefully.
    It may be easier to talk outside of the house; ask her to help you do grocery shopping. You can ask some general questions; let her know that you were interested in boys at her age, go ahead and tell her about your first crush and heartbreak. Ask her if she is interested in any boys. Offer to host a summer barbque with her school friends so they can hang out over the summer. See what happens and don't be pushy.

    Answer by rkoloms at 2:46 PM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • my daughter and son were told they can't date anyone unless we meet them. Goes with spending the night at friends houses and hanging out with other families. Always been the norm since they were little and they don't question it now that they're older.

    Answer by pagirl71 at 3:28 PM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • Talk to her about how she is getting older, after all she will be starting ___grade(9th?) next fall and that you know she will be wanting to start dating soon and let her know our expectations. If you are cool with it let her know that you are willing to take her on some lightly chaperoned dates. A movie where you sit in the back and they are a few rows ahead of you or what not.

    Answer by But_Mommie at 4:27 PM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • Ask her to go to dinner and putt-putt golf with you and hubby and to bring her bf, when our dd was younger we started this tradition w new bfs, it is a blast for the 4 of you, the bf and dd enjoy the time with you etc. Our dd is now 20 years old and is engaged. They still enjoy going out on "double date" with us, and the 4 of us enjoy each others company.

    Answer by higherboundmom at 5:39 PM on Jun. 12, 2009

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