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sex after cheating???

Im getting over my husbands affair quickly. not putting it behind me but trying to get through it. he has been wonderful through everything and he knows it will take time for me to heal. However, when he comes home in october. I told him we are not sharing a room until sex comes back into play. I dont want to have sex with him until I feel i am ready but I am clueless as to how long i should wait. Do it too soon and i can scar myself. Do it too late or not at all, it can hurt my marriage. I know i will have to wait until the thought of seeing him naked doesnt repulse me but i need other advice. If you stayed with your husband who cheated, how long did it take you? did u do it too soon? how did you get through that jump back into sex??? PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT!!!

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Asked by stefirose22 at 8:11 AM on Jun. 12, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • I don't remember exactly how long I waited (by the way, we did divorce later, b/c he continued cheating), but I didn't wait long, b/c I knew that if I waited, it would be all too easy to never start again. If he's anything like my ex, he will try to touch you here and there, hand holding, things like that, trying to make you feel better/more comfortable. Try to enjoy those, and do the same for him.

    And regardless of when you start, I strongly recommend using condoms for a while. Just to be completely safe. Even if he gets tested and tests clean, I'd still use them for a while. Until you know you can trust him again, you want to protect yourself just in case he does it again.

    Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:18 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • I would have him get tested for STDs. The process will let him know how serious his actions were and how they can effect your health, fertility and your family. When to have sex is up to you, if you want to then go ahead. You've already made the decision to forgive him you might as well jump in with two feet.


    Answer by Farrahann at 8:19 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • i've gotten tested and him getting tested is also something i told him definately needs to be done when he gets home in my presence. I do feel like if i wait too long i won't ever want to, which is wierd for me because i want it more then he does most of the time....but i also just don't want to end up crying in the middle of it the first time either.

    Answer by stefirose22 at 8:21 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • This might sound crass but..just make it more about hot sex and less about making love. Have him do all the things you love. I know its hard to compartmentalize...but have a fun fantasy running through your head all day to get you excited and more in the mind frame of having an orgasm.

    Answer by Farrahann at 8:29 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • Don't wait too long. But at the same time be sure you are ready. My husband has not cheated on me but has hurt me deeply through other channels. It took me a while to want to have sex with him again due to the way he made me feel. For women(Most of the time) it is way more than just physical. You are a good women to forgive and trying to stand by your man. I really hope you both can move from this and start a new chapter.

    Answer by oliviahank at 8:32 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • I'm with a lot of these ladies, regardless of when you decide sex is right please make him get tested...and go with him...and make him wear condoms for a while. Just go with your gut on the sex part, don't rush, just let it be natural.

    Answer by ajguinn at 8:36 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • i don't think that you should have sex with him for a long time ..until he learns how to respect you and care about your feeling a little more before he cheats again. your basically letting him have his cake and eat it to.And having sex don't make your marriage last does and commitment.and it's clear that he lack commitment. you shouldn't have to wear a condom to have sex with your husband because your afraid he gonna cheat again and you don't wanna catch anything .( something is definitly wrong withthat picture.) make him earn your trust back .make him work for it .because cheating is no accident esp having sex .i wish you the best of luck but be strong . i know you love your family and want things to work out for the best but it all starts with yourself

    Answer by amiyamom at 9:08 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • i personally did jump in with both feet although i wont lie the first few months all i wanted to do was cry however with alot of prayer i made it thru it and you will as well hun i know how bad it hur ts however your get to it when ur comfortable

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:23 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • well for me and my DH, it wasn't an issue, sexually. . I know that might sound bad, but my feelings for him had never changed. I still adore him as much as I did when we were dating. I did worry about the STD's and those kinds of things, but I guess I must be pretty arrogant in some respects, because it never occured to me to wonder if "she" had been better than me. (actually I am pretty sure she was better.) Nor did I ever sit and just visualize what they might have done together. He was always mine, I had more rights to him than her, that's what I was thinking. I've never asked for the details because at the time I knew I couldn't handle them. Its been about 4 years for us when I read questions or posts like this in my Seperated Group, I do wonder. I know I could handle the details now, but its so far in the past for us both, that I don't bring it up because it would hurt him, to think that I still am thinking about it.

    Answer by Lesli at 9:59 AM on Jun. 12, 2009

  • It is hard to sort through the feelings. My husband didn't physically cheat (that I know of) but the trust was broken just the same. I just do the act with no emotion and I don't do it for him, I do it for me. Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:22 PM on Jun. 12, 2009

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