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Adoptees - what would you like birthmothers and/or adoptive mothers to know?

I saw a similiar question in another forum about what adoptees would like their bmoms to know and there is a book about what adoptees would like their amoms to know so I thought I would put both together in a question to give adoptees the chance to let us know how they feel and what they want us all to know.

And PLEASE lets not attack or get ugly here if an adoptee says something we don't want to hear. I think it is important for us to remember that they have every right to share their feelings and though we can of course respond, I think it would be best if we ask ourselves if we are responding out of our own hurt or fear from what we are reading in their words.

I just hope adoptees will be okay with answering and that us moms on all sides will not attack them for sharing their feelings.


Asked by Anonymous at 5:40 PM on Jun. 13, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (28)
  • I'm a 56-year-old adoptee. I am past the angst that adoptees feel, particularly when they are in their teens and early adulthood, about all the unanswered questions. That angst never gos away although it does become less of a motivation for your actions as you acquire some sense of yourself as an individual and as you acquire other responsibilities. I think it would be good for parents on either side of the adoption triangle to recognize that the only thing that resolves the uncertainties is to know the truth. The truth doesn't have to be pretty to give you resolution. Knowing is better than not knowing.

    I think that both adoptive and birth parents need to know that honesty and openness in adoption is in the best interests of the adoptee, both as a child and as an adult. State laws need to be changed to facilitate adoptee access to their records.

    If you have questions, join us at

    Answer by pennagal at 10:55 PM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • In my case I would want my aunt to know how I appreciate her taking out 3yrs of life to dedicate it to me - for loving me and caring for me, for holding me and letting me know and feel I not alone. For loving my mother unconditionally and never saying a bad word against her for her faults.
    To OP- I posted a question here and told my childhood - the bad and the ugly of when I was with my mother and I got verbally attacked by bmoms on this site - They made my issues seem normal and un-necessary. I only had a few to defend me but they really hurt me so I hope that the same won't happen to you. I was so upset and felt that I didn't matter so I DELETED the question. I was told to join the Adoption group - where the same ones who attacked are members. Any one who has had a good experience - away from mom- will be attacked it seem. I wish you the best in you quest to understand.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:46 PM on Jun. 13, 2009

  • To my mom - Mom, did you know I never knew you loved me until I was 27 years old. Mom did you know I felt alone and that I was the last on your list of everything else. Why did everything else seem more important than us. Mom why didn't you just let auntie keep me, she was always very good with me and I felt safe I never felt safe with you mom. Mom did you know I hated you husband and when I tried to tell you about him you thought I was lying until he admitted it after I was grown and out that house! Mom did you know I always protected you and cried for you and you never once did the same for me, Mom did you know my little sister called me mom because she seen me take cre of her more than you and I was a child! Mom even now I love you and through many prayers and spiritual guidance I have learned to forgive you and him. I can't leave you and if you called right now I would run to you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:03 PM on Jun. 13, 2009

  • To anon above - OP here, and you are right, there were certain anon posters (I can't be sure if they were truly bmoms since they never used their names) who were terrible in their answers to you. I also remember though, before the question was deleted, two other adoptees did respond with some very good, informative posts. One about how important it is to listen to the adoptee and another about how adoption fails adoptees between those in unnecessary infant adoptions and those who suffered like you did but were not help in the way you deserved.

    That is why I am hoping here, we will listen to the adoptees and what they have to say as ALL of the adoptee posts in your last question, I believe, held very important insight for adoption and how it is and we should hear the adoptees voices without attacking or discrediting them as certain anon posters did to your previous question.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:07 PM on Jun. 13, 2009

  • I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you were attacked in this section. Being told how you should think and feel by a birth mother must have been like being abused again when you were looking for support and understanding. You certainly have a valid point of view and it is worth hearing. Every voice is worth hearing. I think that sometimes in this section that there is so much pain and so much grief that it is hard to just listen and validate another's experience. Your experience as an adoptee is equally as true as someone else's experience of placing a child for adoption. It may be that it is hard for some birthmothers to hear that a child placed in another home would rather be with their foster or adoptive family. It may be like a slap in the face to what they feel is true for them. What we all have to keep in mind is that every situation is different. Thank you for posting and for answering from your POV.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:16 AM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • I would have loved it if the titles would have not existed. Too many times I heard my mom refer to herself as my "adoptive mom." I only heard it when she spoke of the adoption, but it still bothered me because she is my MOM and that is the only way I would have wanted her to refer to herself. I think she saw herself as less than my biological mother and I think she was always trying to live up to what my biological mother may have wanted for me instead of what just would have naturally happened in my life. Having adoption in the family should not be ignored or overlooked, however I also don't think it should be a part of every day life as I really think it was for my mom.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:42 PM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • That I love them both.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:44 PM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • Okay I'm going to try and get through this without crying. To my birthmom I would like to say that I am very hurt. I'm 30 and still trying to let go of the anger. she was not there to protect or love me the way that a mother should instead I was given away like I was some puppy. And that's how I look at her as a dog. And if she was in front of me I would no doubt spit in her face. And to make matters worse she has other kids. To me she will always be a stupid slut. I have no respect for any women to carry HER baby for 9 mths as pass it on like it's nothing. After foster care I was placed with an adoptive family. I thank them because they were strangers that cared more about me than the dog that birthed me. My childhood wasn't easy I've been through alot. But I just want to say mothers please keep your children, love your children and stop passing them on.

    Answer by HoneyPot78 at 7:17 PM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • HoneyPot, it truley saddens me that you feel that you were tossed away by your birth mother, and I'm so sorry for the hurt your must feel. You have every right to feel what you feel, and I know I can't speak for your birth mother, but I do not believe that she just tossed you away. I know that wasn't the case at all for why I placed my son up for adoption; I love him with every single piece of me. He has my heart.

    I really wonder what type of situation your birth mother was in that made her decide to place you up for adoption. I'm sure you would be surprised. I'm sure there is not one day that goes by that she doesn't think of you...

    I'm so happy to hear your honesty, and it brings me to tears reading your responce.

    "But I just want to say mothers please keep your children, love your children and stop passing them on."

    I love my son more than anything in this world, and I fully regret my decision and I hope..

    Answer by rainfalls at 8:00 PM on Jun. 14, 2009

  • that he doesn't ever have to hurt like you do. It is my biggest fear for him to feel what you feel for your birth mother. I would really love to hear you speak out more in this section.. or even forums on here for adoption. I would love to get to know you better... maybe even be of some sort of help through your journey. I would love an adoptee's perspective.

    Feel free to PM me anytime.. and again I'm very sorry for what you have had to go through.

    Answer by rainfalls at 8:04 PM on Jun. 14, 2009