Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Hello I am a foster mom who has had two children off and on for many years and the birth parents are signing off on their parental rights to avoid having then terminated involuntarily. My question is this would it be totally out of line to tell the birth parents that I would prefer the children to call them by their first names once everything is settled. (I plan on an open adoption) Please let me know what you honestly think. Thank you.


Asked by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Jun. 15, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I agree with everyone that you should let the kids decide what to call everyone. I don't think you are being mean-spirited at all, btw. I'm guessing this is the first time you've had to make this decision. I hope people can cut you some slack. With our first open adoption, we had to think through all of the different titles. It's a new experience for all of us. We decided that her bmom would be called by her first name (she was adopted at birth), bio grandparents are "grandma and grandpa" just like adoptive grandparents, and bio brother is just her brother, same as her adoptive brother. Being that they are 6 and 7, they need to decide what feels right to them.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 12:46 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • well how old are the kids?

    Answer by emilysmama05 at 3:57 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I think so. Just seems mean spirited.

    Answer by Farrahann at 3:57 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • What do the children call you now and what do they call their birthparents now?

    Answer by ria7 at 3:57 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • depending on their age if they already call them mom and dad and are older then i wouldnt even ask....or expect it let them do /or make that descion in their time not yours..its gonna be hard on them already dont make it any harder

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:00 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I wouldn't think a child could ever have too many mommies or daddies, regardless of the situation. In time they may do that on their own, and they might end up resenting you for not allowing them to express what and how they feel in the matter. I would think at those ages it would be very confusing to them. My great uncle was forced at age call his stepmother, Mom (his father's wishes), and he resented it and his father passionately all his life. Of course his mother had died, and you're a foster parent, so maybe those differences matter.

    Answer by Lesli at 4:04 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I know of many children who call their birthparents by the first name after adoption. However, the decision at this point isn't just yours-- it's your children's, too. So why not ask them? Let them know that you are going to be adopting them, and that means they are yours forever. What would they like to call you, and what would they like to call their birth parent? Many kids want the family unit, and want to call the adoptive parents mom and dad.

    But it's also ok to call both sets of parents "mom" and "dad"-- I do. Each set of parents have given me an invaluable gift, and I acknowledge both the profound responsibility that my adoptive parents have taken on as well as the difficulty my biological parents faced in giving me up. My adoptive parents even let me choose which name I took-- my birth name or the name they had chosen for me. I chose the latter.

    Talk with your kids-- it affects them the most.

    Answer by Busimommi at 4:04 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • OP here the children are 6 and 7 and they call me and my husband mommy and daddy and the b-parents mom and dad.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:23 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I think it is a poor idea to suddenly tell your children to change what they call their birth parents no matter how old they are. I see no purpose in doing so, and it might be confusing for your children and/or upsetting.

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:29 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I reread your question and see that you want to tell the birthparents that you prefer your/their children call them by their first names. Why would you want to do that? To punish them....hurt them? You must know that it will, plus I think your children should have the right to decide what to call their parents....birth or adoptive.

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:34 PM on Jun. 15, 2009