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I am still struggling :(

I don't know if any of you remember me posting a few months back about my pending divorce. Well, we are well into it. My 3 older kids, ages, 21, 18 and 16 are blaming me because I filed. My 2 olders are girls and they will not even speak to me. I wrote them letters and told them that if they wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship, they need to change also. I told them both, i would not continue to allow them to treat me the way they do. they are very disrespectful and selfish towards me. I also told them when they are ready to talk I would be here. I told them I love them and need them.
They will not even aknowledge me what so ever. I have given up trying. My husband told the mediator that I have disowned them. go figure. My son came to me crying and told me he loved me, but he still is very loyal to his dad and is angry with me. What more should I do to get my kids to open up? Should I move on?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:50 PM on Jun. 15, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Well, I don't know the reasons behind your divorce, but it sounds like some family counseling is in order. The older two are adults, so you can't force them into anything or make them change their minds, but never give up on them. Always let them know that your door is open to them. With your son, family counseling might work well. A counselor could help you both understand the situation of the other and their feelings better. Even some individual counseling for each of you could be helpful.
    kittyhasclaws

    Answer by kittyhasclaws at 8:55 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I'm sorry , I don't remember your post from before. This is just my thoughts on it. If you feel now as you did before about the divorce, then hold your ground. Just keep explaining to your children that you love them and that this shouldn't be somthing between you and them. IF your Daughters still feel as if they have to take sides, then that will be up to them. As for what else you should do. Just keep writing them letters, sending them birthday gifts, cards what ever just as you always would. Don't change who you are. They are still young and as life goes on for them they will possibly understand you choice more. Best of luck
    Shaqbe4u

    Answer by Shaqbe4u at 9:12 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • children will choose sides with a divorce if they are old enough to figure out what is happening. do not bad mouth their father in any way. that will turn them against you faster than anything. give them their space. text them or leave messages every day. let them know you are still in their lives. my soon to be ex did not call his kids or anything and they believed everything their bm had told them about their dad. so stay in touch and they will work through it. i have a friend(man)whose 14 year old son told his mom that if she divorced his dad then he would leave her and get his dad to get custody and that is exactly what happened. let them know you are there for them
    gale12

    Answer by gale12 at 10:13 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • I'm hoping when you say "Should I Move On?" you don't mean from your children. You move on from an ex. Not your children. If you mean it that way, then it's a strong possibility that your attitude might be why they are acting the way they are. If my parents were to split, (I am 26) and my mother even suggested that she would "move on" from me if I didn't just accept it, I would be devastated.

    They very well might not be handling it in a way that is appropriate -- I'm sure there is a ton of things going on we don't know about. But I would never pick up and move on from my children no matter what.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on Jun. 15, 2009

  • Well if i were you the best answer is talk to god and ask him to guide your heart and he will tell you what to do. I would love my kids no matter what they say. i would keep trying so that my kids can understand what i am going through. I would call visit or write letters and keep on doing what i can to stay with my kids and think about my kids not my ex
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:55 AM on Jun. 16, 2009

  • I want to thank all of you who answered in behalf of my question. I appreciate all of the advice. I have to say that I love my kids and never would intentionally hurt them as they are hurting me. What I meant by moving on is that I wrote them all letters telling them I am here when they are ready to talk. I told them I love them, but I would not allow them to treat me as they do anymore. I also said, if we are to have a mother/daughter relationship, they have to change and try as well. It can't all be me. I am divorcing their dad because of the cause of some of these problems. He has never been their parent. He been their friend. I have been the parent and he left the parenting up to me, but then didn't support me in it and so the kids resent me. I am the mean one. He does not like confrontation and would rather give in then have them cry or screaming or throwing a fit. We are not divorcing because of infidelity
    SVGstarz

    Answer by SVGstarz at 12:22 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • ran out of character space:).....so in saying should I move on, I mean what more shall I do? They know how I feel about them. I put it in letters. I told them everyday until about 2 years ago I loved them. this has been going on for a while. They have slowly shut me out of their lives. and I know it is because what their dad is telling them. He has to look the good guy. He told them all that he does not want a divorce that he loves me soooo much. Why don't I know this? He yelled at me and told me to cancel the papers and then we could talk. He has not told me for about a year that he loves me and needs me and wants to keep our family together, but he tells the kids this so they will place all the blame on me. So shoud I just let them have their space and give them time to deal with their anger or should I keep doing all that you have suggested?
    SVGstarz

    Answer by SVGstarz at 12:27 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

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