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How do I get my son (9) to stop talking back, picking on his brother and just defying us?

My 9 yr old is the chalange of our house. He constantly fights with his brother (7) and his sister (5). He talks back to us, he agues with my husband (step dad). and with me. He still throughs fits and storms off to his room screeming and crying. he has alwaysbeen a hand full. I'm afraid if I can't get this figured out soon it will be to late. My husband and I have been married for 4 yrs and he is really the only father he has. ( the boys dad see's them about once a year) It is a constany fight because my husband thinks he should toughen up and is too old to be throughing fits I agree but in the same sence I can't let my son think I'm choosing my husband over him. It kills me. I want him to relize what he is doing is wrong I'm just out of ideas. We take away games, we make him sit in his room NO tv No game No toys. WE talk and discuss . He can be a wonderful kids when he wants to be. helpful, loving, wonderful .ANY IDEAS

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Asked by chaizarrow at 5:20 PM on Jun. 16, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (5)
  • How about sitting down and talking to him- and LISTENING to him when he's upset - instead of punishing him?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:21 PM on Jun. 16, 2009

  • you have several simotaneous issues going on. He obviously has issues with step dad, it is also clearly obvious that consistant boundaries either haven't been set, or weren't enforced. Consistant rules and consequences every day, every incident is key. Kids have to know what to expect to get any riliable results from them. You and DH need to sit down and decide rules, consequences...write them out, do chore lists at the same time if you need to. Have a family meeting. Tell ALL the kids. Regardless of what has happened in the past theses are the rules now. Enforce them every day, every time. Make consequences realiatic. If a 9 yr old is supoosed to be home from Joes house at 4 and he shows up at 4:30 taking away his game station for a month doesn't reallly fit. Ground him from going to friends houses or them coming over for a week...well that speaks to the issue. You CAN do this...and it DOES work.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:35 PM on Jun. 16, 2009

  • My grandmother did everything she could to stifle my argumentative side. She told me it was bad and talking back was inappropriate. As a grandmother myself now I know that what she did was wrong. She took a natural characteristic of mine and told me it was bad when it wasn't. I wasn't in control of it at the time but after taking aptitude tests as an adult i found out those characteristics were actually positive and if honed I could have gone into law or some field where it is appropriate. By the time I learned all of this my kids were grown and I set out to finish college and go to law school but my dad died and I thought it was silly, someone at my age going to law school so I gave up that idea. Please don't stop your child from being who he is. Just try to get him to get control of it. He may turn out to be the best lawyer in the land bc he is like he is! As for toughening him up, life will do that. Just let him be a kid

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:48 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • Sounds like your son has some anger issues. Had he ever been tested for ADHD? I care for a very smart nine yr old who acts the same as your son. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Nip it in the butt before he gets out of hand if he is being disrespectful tell him. If he continues send him to his room tell him you will talk to him once he calms down. Does he have an outlet? Is he in sports or does he have a hobby? Discipline is hard but. both parents need to be consistant. If need be get him some help.

    Answer by ksjs13 at 11:59 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • Im so going through the same problem with my 9 yr old but add anxiety and not ever wanting to leave my side to it. Everyday outburst and fights I don't know what to do. We have been going to counseling for a few weeks but not really helping I havent noticed anything getting better and the fights with my husband and I keep getting worse. Its so hard not being able to help your kid through this I wished I understood his anger and anxiety problems. Sorry no help for your situation just nice to know someone else is going throught the same thing. good luck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

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