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How can I help my 13yr old daughter when it comes to finding "true" friends?

It seems that no matter what my daughter does, throughout her childhood and even now, my daughter is having such a difficult time finding friends that show sincere friendship towards her. She has had 2 particular friends since preschool -
but their friendship has been so unhealthy. Neither has a good relationship with their mothers, and my daughter and I are super close - Gilmore Girls close. She is a wonderful, smart, enjoyable girl with christian values she isn't ashamed to express.
We have done what we can to help those in need and often we have been there to help her 2 friends be able to do things they are unable to do at home - going places with us, dinners, school shopping, etc. But these girls have consistently bullied and recently turned on my daughter by hacking into her friends only facebook page and writing mean things about her! I want her to end the friendship, is this right? Their mothers still need help

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:18 AM on Jun. 17, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • Little girls can be nasty little monsters. Perhaps she can meet someone with the same values as your family through church functions or Christian summer camps.


    Answer by Farrahann at 8:22 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • How mean!  She is still friends with them?  If so, does she say why she wants to remain friends with them?  What about getting her involved in activities that these two girls aren't a part of?  This way she will be surrounded by new people and these two girls won't be around to interfere with her new friendships?


    Answer by vnw1405 at 8:22 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • Trying to intervene in you daughter's friendships is a recipe for disaster. Teenage girls are just like that. They are not adults- they are immature and socially naive. If your daughter is truly as smart as you say, then she will know when to pull the plug on the friendship. (Although Christian values state that you should turn the other cheek and forgive those that have trespassed against you.) You just sound a little overprotective, and meddling is just going to make things worse. Let her make decisions for herself. How else is she going to learn from life?

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • unfourtnatly it takes kids awhile to find the true friends its like trial and error. my dd is 12 and her "best friend" will turn on her just because another kid dosent like her THAT day. my sd age 10 is going threw the samething. its hard for them and us all i could do is say ignore so called friend and see what happends and good friends are hard to come by. and i learned that myself i didnt get trur frinds till i was in my 20's and that my bestfriend from age 13 to 20 hurt me in the most horrible way.. when i was 22 i met 2 girls that lived in my building. and its been 11 1/2 years now and were bestfriends and i trust with my life and man as its the same with them. its hard to see our kids upset but sooner or later they will see there better off without that "friend" im sorry you and her have to deal with this. hugs to u and your dd. (:

    Answer by tabbys4 at 8:29 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • I think one of the best things we can teach our children is how to be selective in their choice of close friends. We are to befriend any one who needs our help, but that is quite different from being friends with them. We want our closest friends to be people who will challenge us to move upward rather than always be pulling us downward. So teach your daughter that those relationships which are constantly draining her of her spiritual energies and never seeming to do anything to replace it are not to be considered as true friendships. Another good test is to ask yourself if you are the only one who is putting work into the relationship. If that's the case, then it's best to let it go. Instead of helping her to find the right friends, just spend your time teaching her how to choose the right friends. Then you will be able to trust her judgment. Don't forget to teach her to pray about her friendships. God's the answer.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:33 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • Oh... I would not go back to 13 for anything. I was in my late 20s before I got the message that "People who do not have friend behavior... ARE NOT FRIENDS!"

    Tell her that, but it may take years for it to set in. Young years are so social. You often don't see who true friends are until the party is over.

    Answer by Niki_sd at 10:34 AM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • I want her to end the friendship, is this right?

    I would encourage her to reject people who are mean to her consistently, but fights are going to happen with teen friends. I would not try to force her to end the friendships. First of all because that takes her choices away from her & that just isn't right. Secondly because it is likely to isolate her more than she already is.

    What you can do is help her build confidence by letting her make as many of her own decisions as is reasonable & not criticizing them. Also encourage her to find friends who share her interests, this is easiest if she is taking classes (dance, theater, language, music, whatever she likes) or joining clubs (book clubs, community choir, ecology club, etc.). The most important thing is that she respects herself, then she will demand that her friends respect her as well.

    Answer by nysa00 at 1:00 PM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • I have to tell you that you are NOT alone. I have experienced the same dilemma with my daughter who just turned 13. There seems to be little concept of what loyalty is and what a friendship really is among the girls at her school. My daughter is no angel I'm sure but she doesn't accept offers for "hanging" and then accept a "better offer" or claim to be "best friends" one day and barely say "hi" in the hallway the following day. My daughter wants more than anything to have a "best friend". Someone she can talk with, hang with, and share thoughts, questions and explore her world with. We don't understand it either. She is pretty, outgoing, friendly but rarely gets invitations though we have extended countless invitations, bought dinners, tickets, what have you......rarely is it reciprocated.
    The expectations that we have for friendship versus theirs though probably should be different. More on that later?

    Answer by Lesley722 at 7:37 PM on Jun. 17, 2009

  • Thank you Lesley722, I am relieved to hear someone else notices how hard it sometimes can be for the girls who get left out of the circles. My daughter has other friends at school, but they don't connect socially outside of school. These two girls have been everywhere with our family. But I do agree, a friend should challenge you to move upward, and I don't see this happening. She has deleted their #s on her phone and on facebook. The way I see it there is a reason why it happened, God is either closing this door and opening another, or maybe He is using this as a way to strengthen and heal. I think she understands this and wants to move forward. She is involved in a LOT of activities - other girls just don't seem to ackowledge her as a friend. She is tall, 5"11, and she is a beautiful girl who has struggled b/c of this. She loves being tall - that's not the problem, it's the way others respond - I don't know why.

    Answer by heartprints28 at 8:39 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • Get her involved in activities where she can meet other kids her age. An acting or improv class will do wonders for her self-esteem. Perhaps it is not too late for her to get a position as a junior counselor at a day camp. She can contact the Red Cross and take a babysitting class.

    Answer by rkoloms at 10:13 PM on Jun. 18, 2009

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