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Do you worry about passing the BAD parts of you onto your kids?

I have a HORRIBLE temper. It isn't short....anymore. But it still bad. When I hit the breaking point, there is a lot of screaming, rage, etc. (nothing that includes physical violence to myself or others...just so we are clear on that). But I worry not only about how it is affecting my son I can see.......a scared look in his eyes when I scream.(edited to add that this isn't OFTEN...but maybe 1-2 times every 3 months) But also that he will turn around and end up doing things the same way.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? How to make sure this crap doesnt get passed on.

Counting....does not work for me. I have tried it, and I am usually more angry after counting.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:55 AM on Jun. 18, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • I'm sorry I don't have any advice... but i feel the same way... if you find something that helps let me know :)

    Answer by HannahLee87 at 12:57 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • walk away when you feel it coming. you know when you are starting to get to that point, just walk away when you get there. if you are the only one watching your son at the time, turn on cartoons, go outside and sit down for a bit until you have calmed down, or put him in his room put up the gate and go to a diff room in the house. i have "mommy time outs" when i'm getting to a point where i know i'm going to yell loudly and feel it isn't neccesary, i put the tv on or put her in her room and then go call a girlfriend to vent and get rid of steam then about 10-15 mins later after remembering that i'm not the only one w/terrible toddler/preschool age kids i go back inside and i've calmed down enough to sit down and play, or to punish if punishment is needed and not feel that all i'm doing is yelling. as far as not passing it down, as long as he sees you try to control yours, he will do the same thing.

    Answer by vabchmommy at 1:01 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • i feel that same way! don't even worry and cade already has a bad tember and shes only 10 months but she throws a fit when she has to like get in her carseat or something! I think I might have passed that on! if so I'm in for a BIG surprise her teen years cause I was a rebel lol. Never drank or smoked or anything just a lot of attitude haha.

    Answer by Heidikans at 1:18 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • Learn what your triggers are! If you want to change, try reading "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. It really helped me understand just how our own childhood defines how we parent AND how to help change it so that, precisely as you say, we don't pass it on. What works best may not be found until you start to understand WHY you react the way you do when you are triggered. You may want to consider counseling/therapy to help discover different methods of dealing with your anger, or pinpointing the exact triggers. Once you can identify the triggers, then you have a starting point for either deflecting the anger BEFORE it gets the best of you or you have a starting place to ask yourself WHY it bothers you the way it does. Then try to talk to someone about the triggers and see what it calls up for you. Talking HELPS integrate memories, so start there.

    Answer by JPsMommy605 at 1:36 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • Everyday.

    I'm worried that she'll have my temper and anger issues, my inability to maintain relationships, finish things that I start. The list goes on.

    When it comes to anger, I choose not to show it to her. If I feel myself getting angry at her, I put BOTH of us on time-out, but mostly me. I take a few minutes and calm down, remind myself that it's not her fault I feel this way, then I go back to my baby and kiss her and I work on parenting with my heart and my mind; not with rage and yelling.

    As for the other things, I'm still working on them slowly. I do my best to give my daughter better treatment and opportunities than I had. I just have to support her 110% through it all and let her know that I can't make her decisions for her, but that I can help her if and when she needs me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:43 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • Every day for years, and they are teenagers now. Honestly, had I known before I had kids that I also have autism, I probably would not have had them, I would have been too worried that they would turn out like me. And that should not happen to anyone. My poor daughter seems to have been hit with a great deal of the worst of both myself and her father, too. But I am grateful every day that they both are lot more "normally-wired" than I am!

    Answer by roachiesmom at 1:52 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • I'm seriously 50% mom 50% dad. Sometimes it seems like there isn't any room left for "me". My dad's bipolar and my mom is bossy and "always right". I feel like that's the worst combination, but at least I'm aware of it and am constantly working on it.

    I think the best advice is to show them the best way to handle it, it's pretty much inevitable that they'll turn out like you.

    Answer by ours at 2:09 AM on Jun. 18, 2009

  • Have you looked into taking an anger management class or have therapy to deal with your anger?

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:54 PM on Jun. 18, 2009

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