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My husband is two weeks sober and I'm more unhappy than before... What in the world is wrong with me?

Ok... I have been living with an alcoholic/pill addict for five years now. We have a child together and I have a son from a previous relationship. I have been praying the same prayer for him to get sober for as long as I can remember and it has finally happened. The question I have is why in the world am I more unhappy? I dreamed of this to happen for so long. I would like to know if anyone has went through a similar situation. I feel like I'm living with a completely different person. He is helping out and being a tremendous help with the kids. I guess I kind of feel at a loss of control. But I never thought I would feel this way. Please don't get me wrong... I'm very thankful.....just confused.

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nataliet8

Asked by nataliet8 at 1:03 AM on Jun. 20, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • You really need to find your closest Al-Anon meeting.
    Vero0724

    Answer by Vero0724 at 1:08 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • My A is just over a month sober. Part of my unhappiness is I felt the drinking was the problem for everything and once that was gone then everything would be great but it doesn't work that way. Part of your problem may be codependency as well. If you can't get to a face 2 face Al-Anon meeting there are online ones too. Check out stepchat.com. It's awesome and since I have a little one I use it a lot.
    mom630

    Answer by mom630 at 1:18 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • Vero0724 beat me to it. In Al-Anon you will find that these feelings that you are having are very, very, NORMAL! When he was using, you were living on this "Merry-go-round" of fight/sorry/make-up/stop for a minute/back-to-it/fight....And that was normal for you. Without the "chaos", you don't know what you are supposed to do, how to act now, what your role is. You also may not trust that this change is for real, and truth be told, he could have a slip. You may think that you don't need meetings because HE is the one with the addiction, but the unhealthy thinking affected you & your family. Get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can, and you will find amazing support for the days to come.(And how to react differently than you are used to if there is a slip.) You've always been the responsible one, and you will have to learn to let him take responsibility for himself. Just take it "one day at a time." Good luck to you both!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:23 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • You also probably had your own system for doing everything before. A certain schedule for the kids, you did all of the housework, etc and he did nothing. Now, he is in your territory helping with the kids/housework, etc. It is a big change and you have lost the control that you had over everything.

    Also, before you were the responsible adult in the relationship. you probably made the rules for the kids, disciplined them how you say fit, etc. And again, he may be invading that.

    You have a right to feel like you have lost some control. Your world has been shaken up. You should look into getting yourself some counseling. You are dealing with just as much as he is right now.
    sandra1023

    Answer by sandra1023 at 2:10 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • I know that this may seem like a strange comparison, but it reminds me of an episode of The King of Queens. If you haven't ever seen it, the lead characters are Doug and Carrie. carrie is very fit/healthy. Doug is unhealthy/very overweight. Carrie is always begging him to get healthy and lose weight so he doesn't die young, will be able to more, etc.

    Well, when he finally does, everything starts noticing and she realizes she isn't happy like she thought. She had always been the _____ one in the relationship (in this case she was the fit/healthy one, but you can fill it in with responsible, mature, etc for you). Now, they both are and she kind of felt she was losing her place in the relationship.

    Anyway, like I said, I know it sounds like a dumb comparison, but I do think maybe you are feeling like you lost that certain identity you had in your relationship for so long.
    sandra1023

    Answer by sandra1023 at 2:15 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • dont let the devil full you. and ask God for wisdom and he will give it to you. blessings
    Hyde3

    Answer by Hyde3 at 2:40 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • It is VERY normal. Find an Al-Anon and get there asap!!!! You also need "help" to overcome the behaviors that attracted you and kept you with an addict. That first year is NOT easy. I gained over 15 pounds:-o BUT now he is going on 6 years and it has soooooo been worth it:-) But they say more marriages end in that first year of soberiety than during all the previous years of drinking. That is because of patterens and expectations--it truly is learning to live with a new person----one who may being feeling life on life's terms for the first time in his life. It isn't easy, but with Al-Anon you can do it---and it is worth it:-) And I have lost the weight:-)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:40 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

  • Thanks everyone for all the advice!!! You all touched on a little bit of how I was feeling. I've been once to an Al-Anon meeting and enjoyed it but all us mom's know that it's hard to find baby-sitter for anything. Plus my family doesn't really think I need it. They're not being mean, they just don't understand... my dad never drank or did drugs. But thanks from mom360 about the stepchat. I signed up last night!! This is only my second day on cafemom and I already feel better. I love mommies...we're the best.;) p.s. he told me this morning that he wants me to go to some of the meetings with him so maybe that will help...and I absolutely love Kings of Queens but i need too see that one.:) God Bless..
    nataliet8

    Answer by nataliet8 at 11:41 AM on Jun. 20, 2009

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