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Am I being unfair to my husband?

ok my daddy passed away last year. This is my first father's day without him. Well as a matter of fact I have today, then Tuesday it will be 1 year since he passed, and Thursday is daddy's birthday. It is a bad week to say the least. But I just really can't do father's day today. My MIL usually cooks a dinner, but I can't go over there and have to see my daughter with my FIL, when my daddy can't be there. I am sorry if that is selfish. I have no problem with my hubby and daughter going over there I just can't, not the first year. I have told hubby "happy father's day", and I helped our daughter make him a card. He says he doesn't mind if I don't go. He says he understands. But am I being unfair to him? Ya'll have to get that I am a HUGE daddy's baby. I am still having a very hard time with him being gone.

 
TeriMelisa

Asked by TeriMelisa at 7:49 AM on Jun. 21, 2009 in Relationships

Level 5 (67 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I agree with SoKamele, if your husband is being understanding, then don't go with them. Take this time to honor your dad and grieve. The one year anniversary is the hardest, not saying that it's not hard after that, but there is something about making it thru the FIRST Thanksgiving, Christmas, your Birthday, Valentine's Day, and especially on Father's Day (and especially since HIS birthday falls this week as well. You can explain to your DD if she asks that you miss Grandpa & were just too sad today to go with them, but that you will be OK. Kids understand more than we give them credit for, and you are teaching her that feelings are important, and not to stuff them. I am sorry for your loss. Hugs & prayers to you!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:29 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • It sounds to me as though you should do as you feel best. Do you have the option of driving yourself over or having your husband come back and pick you up after all if you change your mind? I'd say cry for a while on your own, grieve grieve grieve, then consider if you would be able to put on a composed face and join the family gathering. If you just can't, then it is perfectly all right and anyone would understand. Hugs to you. Please let us know how the day worked out for you.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 7:55 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • From one daddy's girl to another....do as the pp said, cry...then go for a little bit. It is up to you to teach your daughter to honor her dad. As hard as it is, your focus needs to be them after you silently honor your dad. Go off by yourself & 'talk' with your dad, let it all out, shower & go. Every year this day will feel like somebody punched you in the stomach or ripped out your heart but you can make it through. Big hugs to you...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:05 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • I think you should go. Mourn your father, there is nothing wrong with that. The day may be bitter sweet, but look at all you have in front of you. You daughter deserves to feel like her dad is as special as you feel yours was. While she may not miss you today, I think as the father of your child/children that he deserves this day as well. Have a time today to visit your father's grave, and talk with him....but you should still be there for the father of your children.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • I don't think your being unfair and I think that your husband understands. If you don't want to go, don't. This isn't one of those "put your big girl panties on" things. You dad died less than a year ago.......so I think they're going to be pretty understanding about that.
    It's FATHER'S DAY.......and your daughter will be with her dad. That's what's important.
    SoKamele

    Answer by SoKamele at 8:53 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • I think you should do whatever you think is best. My only concern is that if you don't try this year, it might be harder next year. I agree with the others that maybe you should spend some time alone to mourn and remember your father, and then go and be with the family. They all know your father passed away, and I am sure, unless they are completely insensitive jerks, that they will be kind to you and try to help you thru this first father's day without him. It's not so much that I think you are being unfair to your husband, but more that I think if you avoid father's day this year, you might continue to avoid it and make your pain worse instead of better.

    I'm very sorry about your dad and I hope you feel better.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:22 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • I was in your shoes 6 years ago, but it was Mothers Day. Mine didnt understand what I was going through, his mother was still alive. He bitched and moaned. I didnt go. To this day I still dont like Mothers Day. My kids wish me a Happy Mothers day, give me a card/gift. Then they leave me alone for the rest of the day.
    PestPatti

    Answer by PestPatti at 10:30 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • Stay home if you feel like it. It's really hard to see other people with their fathers and grandpas today. I lost my dad in 1994, and it's still hard to see my husband and my son with my father in law (who is pushing 70 while my dad died at 47). It's surprising what can be a trigger for the tears sometimes, and until you start to know what will be the trigger for you, just do what you're comfortable with, at your pace. Your husband may not always be this understanding and flexible, so I say take a much deserved break and have some you time. Maybe give yourself a treat and toast your dad. Just don't force yourself. People (whether they intend to or not) can be really insensitive without realizing it, and then you're in an awkward position. Just take it easy today - and every other day this week if you need to. Sounds like it'll be a tough one...
    lb304

    Answer by lb304 at 10:44 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • You prefer not to go and you have acknowledged the day and helped your child make a card. That is not being selfish. He is ok with it. I think you are doing the right thing for you and it is reasonable. You husband will have a lovely day with his father and his daughter. I don't always do things with my husband for father's day. Today, my daughter is going to take him to the movies and I will make one of his favorite suppers because I am cooking anyway.

    I would advise you to talk to a counselor if you are having trouble with your loss. It can be very hard when a daddy's girl loses her daddy. In the long run, it will hurt your marriage if you don't work through it. Be patient but be aware of making progress over the next year. If you are in the same place next year, it's a sign that you are not working it through.

    I am sorry. Life is never the same but you will find a new normal and remember him with a smile.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 11:11 AM on Jun. 21, 2009

  • i think its not about being fair. you need some time and your husband understands that. my grandma died like 5 years ago and my aunt still isnt over it...not that you get over something like that...i guess what i mean she hasnt moved on...and when something like fathers day comes up and it is the first one without your father...its very tough. so dont worry about being unfair because you arent being unfair. it would be totally unfair if your husband didnt understand and threw a fit. so hun do what you gotta do and dont worry about it.
    makenzimommy09

    Answer by makenzimommy09 at 11:34 AM on Jun. 21, 2009