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Should we feel guilty about moving?

My husband and I are wanting to move out of our state in the next year, for many reasons (job opportunities, lower home prices, etc.). Our problem is, DH's mother has a debilitating disease that is progressively making life more and more difficult for her. She can barely walk, and is on disability. BUT, MIL is also a mean-spirited, possessive, selfish B**** (DH is first to admit that, I am not just being spiteful) and neither DH or I enjoy being around her. We help her, but she usually spends the money we give her on gambling and cigarettes, instead of groceries or bills like it is intended. She only calls when she "needs" something (usually cigs) and never to see the baby or us. There are many other people who will still be close by to help her if we leave, but DH is starting to feel guilty about leaving her "high and dry" when she may not be able to walk soon. Should we feel guilty? Should we let her keep us here?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Jun. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • I'm disabled and my kids left. They can get here fast enough if I need them though. Live your life. She's made choices for her's. If it gets bad enough you can move her to where y'all move.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:44 AM on Jun. 23, 2009

  • Cont'd OP - MIL has always been mean and selfish, but she has taken that to new extremes lately, calling us over just to talk to DH about her funeral (even though she is young and her disease is not fatal, just incapacitating) soon after he mentioned possibly moving away. She was pulling a mind F*** on him to guilt him into staying, it was obvious. But this woman has never taken the medication she was given for her disease, getting progressively worse and using it for a guilt trip on her kids. And DH and I have tried to help her so much, but she never thanks us, even when she gambles her money away and then calls because she has no money for groceries. And she constantly berates me on how I raise my son, telling me what SHE did was best. But DH still feels sorry for her (she was a single mom) and is feeling bad about leaving. He feels like he is abandoning her like his father did. HOW can I fix this? I NEED to leave.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:45 AM on Jun. 23, 2009

  • I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about wanting to move. My BF and I moved down south to start fresh and live a better life. You don't need to put your life on hold. Just set her up with someone else to take care of her and go on your way.
    islandmom85

    Answer by islandmom85 at 12:46 AM on Jun. 23, 2009

  • This is just my opinion, but, your MIL is not stupid and she knows exactly what she is doing. Maybe if someone wasn't around all the time she would have to learn to care for herself, in other words take her meds so she can get better. After we raise our children, we hope that we did a good job, and wish them well on their own. Thats the way it is suppose to be. No matter what you and your husband do, she will continue to act like this. Its time for yall to cut the apron strings to her and go your own way and be happy. You cannot make a person do whats right(taking medicine), it is their choice, so she is choosing not to get better. Maybe she will grow up if she doesn't have someone to put guilt on. Good parents won't do this to their children ift they love them. A good parent wants thier children to be happy and does not try to make them miserable.There is a better life out there for you guys, go for it.
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 5:02 AM on Jun. 23, 2009

  • Your poor husband. No wonder you picked him to marry. He clearly has good sense of duty about him. I think I would tell him you admire him tremendously for that, however, you can't help someone who won't help themselves. She is being abusive toward the two of you and negligent in her own care. Won't take her medicine?!! that's just crazy. I would totally call her on that the next time she starts criticizing you. (I'm all fired up for you...lol) What sort of example is she setting by not doing something as simple as taking her medicine? What sort of example is she setting by attempting to control and manipulate the people she is supposed to love?
    You have to provide the best you can for your family. If there is a better opportunity to do that elsewhere, then by all means go for it. Providing opportunity for your babies is far more important than attempting to care for a grown woman who refuses to help herself, IMO.
    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 9:31 AM on Jun. 23, 2009

  • Wow, thanks for the support, all! I was starting to feel like I was in the wrong in this situation, but I just can't imagine having to stay here my whole life and take care of that woman, when she refuses to care for herself! Honestly, she is one of the biggest reasons I want to leave, because if we are still here when she can't walk at ALL, then DH will get guilted into helping her all the time, at the expense of us! I'm so afraid of that. BTW, MIL still relies on her 80-ish year old parents to drive her around and get her groceries, because she never learned to drive! That is why DH is so afraid - when they die, what will she do? She is completely helpless, by her own fault, and the refusal to take meds just was the icing on the cake for me. UGH.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:03 PM on Jun. 23, 2009

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