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Kicked my 20-year old daughter out...did I do the right thing?

We've had ongoing issues with my 20-year old daughter, she's bright and very smart but just doesn't seem to care about anyone else. She moved back home after flunking out of engineering school and has been home about a year now. We helped her buy a car and set up payment terms for her to repay us, we've helped her with tuition and haven't asked anything in return other than to go to school and work part-time. We have a weekly blow out about what she's NOT doing and i finally wrote it all down and we talked about our expectations. She gave us the OK and promised again to do better. Last week, we go out of town for 3 days and i ask that she not have anyone in the house...so she has a party, i find 8 cases of beers cans dumped in the woods, there's blood on the carpet and i find a pic of facebook of her friend in a kayak in our pool. That was it...i told her to pack it up and go...did i do the right thing?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:05 PM on Jun. 24, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (16)
  • yes you did! if nothing else let her find a place to live a job and all that it gets her butt in gear shes an adult now!
    preggoinmn

    Answer by preggoinmn at 2:07 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • i'm 22 but
    Yes i think you did the right thing. You've obviously enabled her for long enough and she needs to learn what the real word is like. There's no free ride.
    outstandingLove

    Answer by outstandingLove at 2:07 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • i would have done the same thing.
    rose549

    Answer by rose549 at 2:09 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • thats pretty disrespectful imo. but thats what young adults living with their parents do, rebel. but i dont know if you should have taken it to such an extreme to kick her out. it puts soo much more strain on your relationship & she might not want to speak to you anymore. however, she is 20 & is old enough to care for herself. if she cant respect your rules, she cant live there. if she wants your help (car, school tuition, etc), then she needs to understand it's not a hand-out & there needs to be certain expectations she needs to live up to. you can try to talk to her again in a calm manner if you would like for her to return, & re-assess everything. and let her know you won't hesitate to put her out again if she can't keep her end of the bargain. just say it nicely & calmly. at least she would know that you still care and want the best for her & want to help, but she'll know you're serious about these issues
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • YES YOU DID! My brother messed up really bad in life...he got hooked on drugs...lost everything and him and his wife and child moved back with my mom...she laid down the rules of the house which he has broken over and over again...If you don't stand by your rules she'll just keep pushing.

    My mother is now basically raising my nephew while they sit back and do nothing...they buy no food, they do very few chores, they don't pick up our younger siblings from work...but yet they expect everyone to do for them. If you allowed it to continue I can almost guarantee you'd soon find her walking all over you as my brother now does to my mom.

    I'm sorry, 'cause I can see how hard it is, but it's what she needs.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • thanks so much for all the candid responses...i really appreciate it. I feel awful and sick to my stomach over this but it truly was the last straw...there's been so many situations like this that just keep happening. And...i explained to her before we left that it wasn't the party, it was the underage drinking that worries me. What would happen to US if one of those kids cracked their head open on the pool deck or even worse got in the car and hurt someone else? She really crossed the line this time and i have two younger kids still at home 15 and 12...they need to see that this just won't be tolerated. I love her and worry about how she'll get by but it's just not fair to the rest of the family for her to keep getting away with this kind of stuff.
    tjb_mom-of-3

    Answer by tjb_mom-of-3 at 2:30 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • ABSOLUTLEY i have an 18 year old that i had to tell to move out she thought because she was 18 she didnt have to help around the house or follow rules i explained to her that her 18 year old friends that had no rules is because they didnt live at home with mommy and daddy we were fighting about it all the time i told her that i was no longer responsible for her and if she wanted to behave badly she could do it somewhere else it was for the best now she has a place with her boyfriend and a job and a new car and just started community college but before i told her to move she was just sitting (and sleeping) on my couch doing nothing
    lilmammaweisner

    Answer by lilmammaweisner at 2:46 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • by the way my daughter is here all the time now just to visit i dont ask her to do chores because she doesnt live here and we get along just fine yes there was like a week or so before she realized this was better for her and started talking to me again good luck
    lilmammaweisner

    Answer by lilmammaweisner at 2:50 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • Yes you did the right thing!!!!
    mamakirs

    Answer by mamakirs at 3:25 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

  • You certainly did. I am 32 and had I even dreamed of doing something like that in my parents house my butt would have been bouncing down the sidewalk!
    ColleenF30

    Answer by ColleenF30 at 8:00 PM on Jun. 24, 2009

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