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What would you do if your SO restrained you, but didnt hit you?

The other night around 4am my LO got up (for the 3rd time) and I said, "I'm so sick of this!" My husband grabbed me and held me down and wouldn't let me get up. I was a rape victim 4 years ago and was drugged. I was aware of everything that happened to me but had no control of my body. The other night, I panicked and started punching him, HARD. He didn't hit me back but he grabbed my throat just below my chin. He wasn't choking me, but it totally freaked me out. I understand it was wrong of me to punch him, but it brought me back to the day I was raped and only this time I could fight back and did. This is the first time that my SO and I have EVER been physical. I'm very confused about what I should do. We talked about everything and he apologized but now I've been having horrible nightmares the last two nights about when I was raped but in the dream the man is my SO and I'm afraid to tell him.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:42 AM on Jun. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • CONTINUED. I also want to add that when I was punching my SO it felt like I was punching the man who raped me, who has never been caught. I haven't thought about the incident in a long time and it feels like the floodgates and old wounds are ripped open again. I have been crying since then and have this horrible image of that day stuck in my mind. Only its SO's face this time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 AM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • Sounds like to me, he didn't like the way you were reacting to your baby waking you up. By saying I'm so sick of this! Are you kidding me? That's your baby! Maybe he wanted to keep you there, so you didn't take your anger out on the baby. I think punching him was over reacting.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:57 AM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • It sounds to me like you were frustrated, and he was trying to get you to calm down before you went to the baby. Obviously, he didn't handle it the right way, but I don't think he intended for this to happen. I don't want to make assumptions, so I will ask: does he know you were raped? If not, tell him. If he does, then I think he just didn't think about what his actions would do to you. You need to tell him about your dreams, and about how you feel. I know you don't want to make him feel worse, but by keeping it all bottled up, you're making yourself feel worse. You need to talk to him about what happened, how you feel, what you're dreaming, all that. Did you ever get any counseling after the rape? I'd consider it, or consider getting more to help you with what just happened. Oh, and I don't think you can blame yourself for hitting him: it was an instinctive reaction after what you went thru. Good luck!
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 11:59 AM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • My past sounds a lot like like yours. 4 years is really not that long ago, and an experience like that can haunt you forever. I'm happy and stable now, but it took a lot of years and some messed up relationships to get to this point . I got involved with my first husband not too long after the rape, and I don't know if it was just his nature or if I drove him to it with my reactions, but he went from restraining me to slamming me against walls and hitting me before I left him; he should never have gotten violent with me, but I know it hurt him a lot when he'd innocently do things and I'd freak out and scream and cry for him to get away from me. I never went for councelling, but I think it might have helped me get past it all sooner. Do what you can to ease the length of your suffering and get on with your life. Your husband may need help understanding what you're going through too. Find some help! Hugs & best wishes!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:59 AM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • OP: He knows about the rape. And to clear things up a little, I would never hurt my child. When I said I was sick of this, I was referring to him NEVER getting up when she does. And we have twins, so I had my fair share of getting up at night, BELIEVE ME.

    So, slow your role and dont be so quick to judge me, Anon 57
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:50 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • instead of restraining you he should have gotten up to take care of the babies
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:28 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

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