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Not so much a question, just need advice... (long)

So.. my husband and I aren't having as much sex now-a-days. & it's driving me nuts! I've tried talking to him about it and there's always some excuse: "I'm tired. Or our relationship shouldn't be based on sex so it doesn't matter." And I'm not saying our relationship should be BASED on sex, but it is important to me. And another thing that bothers me is that I know he's looked at porn and stuff on the internet. I've even read an old email he sent to a girl (before we met). He sent her nude pictures and talked about how sexy she was. It just makes me question myself. Makes me think, "What's wrong with me?" I consider myself attractive and not overweight AT ALL.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's chemical, like maybe he just doesn't have that much testosterone... I don't know. I just want to feel WANTED... sexually. This is just really bothering me.. it makes me feel like he's just not attracted to me. I don't know, any advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:22 PM on Jun. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • Tell him what you know. Be straight forward. And don't buy that "I don't want our relationship to be based on sex" crap. Explain to him what you'd like and what's bothering you. If you don't then this will fester into much bigger problems.

    Don't sweat that other random chick before you two met. He married YOU!
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 12:25 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • Maybe he is gay?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • Have you actually just sat down and talked to him about it. A LOT of things effect the sex drive, and it usually doesn't have anything to do with the attractiveness of your mate. Stress is a HUGE deterrent. Self-esteem issues too. Depression can KILL the libido. And sometimes if there isn't enough romance in your life, the drive just isn't going to be there. You need to actually sit down and talk, or maybe get into some marital counseling to try to resolve these issues.
    kittyhasclaws

    Answer by kittyhasclaws at 12:27 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • Your feelings are perfectly normal and valid. If he once had a stronger sex drive and now doesn't, something likely has changed in him. Stress at work or in his personal life, for example. The first thing should be for him to get a physical work up to make sure there is nothing physical going on. Rule out stress, also. The third thing is, and likely you have already considered it, is to think what attracted him to you sexually and to see if you can bring some of that back. The fun when first dating, smiling at him, greeting him with a hug and kiss and a smile. Going out on dates with him, even just strolls around the neighborhood. Not putting pressure on him. Then, there is couples counseling.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 12:27 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • Im going throught the same exact thing only my Dh is taking animal pak and animal stack and that boosts testastrone so i know it's not chemical. I personally think our husbands are just tired of us although my Dh is boring about sex.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • ***I don't stress about the "other woman" at all. It was just an example of how his sex drive USED to be.. and now suddenly is not. I've suggested couple's counseling, but he doesn't seem interested. And most of the time, when I bring this up, we end up having sex... then it just goes straight back to how it was.... And no, he isn't gay. Like I said, I know he's looked at porn and stuff on the internet. So the interest is there, just seems like it's not with ME. I've honestly wondered what it would be like if I started accepting "attention" from other men, maybe make him step up his game? Make him realize plenty of other men find me attractive, so if he doesn't do something about our sex life, I just might feel forced to do something about it myself. I'm a very sexual person, I can't take this, it's driving me NUTS!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • I hate to say this but if he is looking at porn maybe he's you know while watching porn. Don't bash me just saying. You only have so much of that stuff in your body. Like I said by no means am I being rude just saying if he's watching porn and taking care of himself at the same time. Could be too imbarrased to admit it. Hope you don't take me the wrong way
    Patty414

    Answer by Patty414 at 1:05 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • OP, if you start "accepting attention from other men", you're going to make it worse. Way worse. Like him feeling resentful towards you worse, which will really mean he won't be wanting to have sex with you. You say that whenever you talk about it, you end up having sex. Well, why don't you talk about it and make sure it DOESN'T end up with sex? Just sit down and discuss how this all is making you feel, as if he doesn't find you attractive any more. If you try to make it about HIS libido, he's going to feel threatened and he'll force himself to "do something about it" (aka have sex even if he doesn't really want to) to prove himself. Instead of doing that, point things towards how you feel (aka, unattractive to him, frustrated, unhappy, etc), then have him give you his input on the situation. Ask if he's feeling more stressed than usual. Ask if he has anything he needs to talk about....
    kittyhasclaws

    Answer by kittyhasclaws at 1:17 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • ...There are a lot of things you have left to do before resorting to your "solution". Your solution could end up in divorce. When you talk, don't let it turn into sex or make it guilt him into it. He may be going through a lot of stuff in his own mind that he's too embarrassed to bring up to you- guys can be like that.
    kittyhasclaws

    Answer by kittyhasclaws at 1:19 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

  • when you say you are attractive and not not overweight at all it tells me you think it's about how folks look. I've never understood how women think it's about how they look. It's about how women make men feel. Have you not seen a fat ugly woman with a handsome man? That's not about looks. It means she's a woman who knows how to make a man feel special and appreciated. In the book Why Men Cheat (which is based on a study done of men who really cheated) it says the number one reason men cheat is bc the other woman makes him feel emotionally fulfilled while wife/gf takes him for granted and makes him feel unappreciated or nags him all the time. It's a quick read book if you want to read about how to fix your relationship so he won't need the porn and cyber female friends. Oprah had it as an Ebook for free at one time. Very enlightening.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:19 PM on Jun. 25, 2009

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