Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

For Birth mom's, how did you feel when you had your second child?

I've been having a difficult time, being that my son will be turning two in a couple of days, it's bringing back up a lot of the emotions and feelings I had two years ago. I so badly wish I could be a mother, but the only baby I can ever think of having is the one I lost. I can't imagine "replacing" him. I'm worried that these feelings will scare me out of having more children once it comes to that time in my life.

How did you feel when you had your second child?
How long did you wait?

Answer Question
 
rainfalls

Asked by rainfalls at 11:39 AM on Jun. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • I was scared to death! I did not plan for the second one and my oldest was only a baby when I got pregnant. I was afriad that I would not love my youngest as much as my oldest and that i would feel resentful of loosing that time with my oldest. At the same time I was worried that my oldest would feel neglected. I was afraid that my youngest would feel neglected as well because I wasn't sure how I would be a good mother to two and love them equally! Well my second was born and I loved and love him just as much! they are both unique and have something special to love. They both touch my heart in different ways and I have learned to be a mother of two. They both get all of my love. My boys are only 20 months apart and my youngest is turning one today. I ended up getting pregnant in February and I was scared again to mother 3 (I only have two arms!) but when I ended up miscarrying I realized how much I missed my baby.
    Precious333

    Answer by Precious333 at 11:56 AM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • oh and btw.. you can NEVER replace a lost child. Its impossible, but its ok to move forward and have another child. That child you lost will always have a place in your heart. That helped me cope with my miscarriage was naming my child. Some people like to also do other things like plant something for that child and watch it grow, or write a poem or a letter to that child. That may help with the feelings you are having about replacing that child.
    Precious333

    Answer by Precious333 at 11:58 AM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I'm so sorry you're hurting like this.

    I'm not a birthmom, but my daughter is the birthmom of my 3 year old son... and so I'm often out of the role of adoptive mother and in the role of mom to the birthmom - strange situation, I know.

    BUT... it gives me a different perspective. Our son (hers and mine *smile*) will be 4 in November and she's due in January with our first grandchild. She's scared sometimes. I almost think she's needed more support right now than ever before on this journey. Our story isn't a common one but the feelings she has are just like any birthmom. She knows how much she loves our son and is scared she'll fail. I see that she's so different now, she'll still have days but she's going to make it.

    I wish you the best - I feel from your words your pain and I wish I could carry it for you, even just for a moment.

    Warm hugs,

    Jamie
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 12:32 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I forgot to add - when our son was about 2, she had those feelings of "replacing him" and I think subconsciously, she was even trying to.

    She wasn't ready then and I talked with her a lot about the fact that he'd never be replaced in her heart - he's always her first born and his role in her life is different from other children she'll come to have. It took a lot of love and work with her, her own childhood wasn't great (she is adopted too btw - she came to us at 9 years old and was with us till 14 then was back with her birthmother and came back by choice at age 19).

    I think (and other birthmoms will be able to confirm or correct me) but I think what you're feeling is part of the normal grieving process. At least I know my DD walked your path :)

    Again, warm hugs.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 12:38 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • AAAMama, you are amazing. What an amazing story and experience to have. And complicated at the same time. Your daughter has lost so much in her life time that it is absolutely amazing that she continues to have support. Bless you for opening your door and heart for her. But, if you can tell us, what of her biological mother? I'm guessing reunification didn't work out so well.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 1:15 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I was very excited about the birth of my second and the pending birth of my third, however my first was 11 at the time. I didn't look at this baby being a replacement for my daughter but as an addition to my family. I think that the fact I waited so long before having another child helped me with my grief. That and she was excited about being a big sister.
    chrissmom734

    Answer by chrissmom734 at 12:21 AM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • I've hesitated to answer this, mainly because you know my story already. Relinquishing my first son, Danny. was a huge wake up call for me. I realized I needed to get off the party train and that what I really wanted was every thing that his adoptive mother had. I.E. a loving husband, security,  a home and children. I was married to my husband of 19 years with two years of relinquishing and my twins are 5 years younger than my Danny. When I had my twins I was ecstatic. They were fabulous, and no they could never take the place of Danny. But, I was different to you. I didn't start dealing with my grief until I reunited with him.


    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:58 AM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • cont...I beg you, don't become a statistic, one of the 40% of birth mothers that never have subsequent children due to guilt, shame or misplaced loyalty to your son. I've met too many of those poor women, way too many. Evan doesn't want you to be unhappy, he wants you to enjoy life and frankly he doesn't need the guilt of thinking that your life ended when his began.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:59 AM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • quoting onethentwins " ...I beg you, don't become a statistic, one of the 40% of birth mothers that never have subsequent children "

    I'm in that 40% statistic - and she's right, this is not a healthy place to be. It is a prison within the adoption prison.

    I think you're are already in a better place because you are dealing wtih stuff now. I did not deal with stuff until 13 yrs or so after the fact. And once I did, I started to learn that having other children was not wrong or bad. At this age, I don't know if I''ll get out of the 40% statistic or not.

    If someone were to try to explain to you what it was like to love your lost child, you would not be able to understand it. You've had to experience it to know.

    I think that loving another child will be like that for you. Your head is thinking "but how?" - that won't matter. When you hold your next child, your heart will take over.


    JoesGirl

    Answer by JoesGirl at 1:21 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • Where is that statistic from?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.