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Am I a good mother, or a out of control one? Please help! they are 9-13 yo

I keep worrying that I might be doing more damage than good. I control when my children watch tv, what they watch, get on the internet, what they do on the internet, what they text, who they give their number to... I feel as if I am constantly nagging, "clean your room, change your clothes, those shoes don't match, fix your hair, eat more of your vegetables...", I want them to be productive 95% of the time, and don't get me wrong, they do get a chance to play with their friends, relax and watch tv, go swimming, and eat junk food (hot cheetos) often, it is just when I allow it. Anyway, I worry that my daughters are going to become anorexic (because I practically control everything else), or that my son is going to resent me. They complain because they think that they work too hard, when it is just cleaning up after their own selves, and maybe helping with dinner and folding clothes. Does all this sound normaL? overboard?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on Jun. 27, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (16)
  • Ok, its good to take control over your kids, but it does sound like you are going overboard.

    Try and pick the important battles, like computer rules or phone privalages, but dont worry so much about the small things, like shoes matching and combing hair.

    When it all comes down to it, you want them to suceed in life, and to do that, they need to make a few mistakes along the way to learn how to be GOOD and not BAD decision makers, just let them make the bad decisions on the small things, so that they dont mess up on the big ones. Which, by the way, does not mean they always will make the right decisions there either....;)

    Back off, or you run the risk of loosing it all! And that would be tragic.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:41 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • It sounds pretty normal to me, but I had kind of a controlling mother. Maybe ease up a little and let them make a few more choices for themselves the older they get. But you sound like a caring mother, not an overbearing one. Keep in mind kids are just going to complain :)
    Also, I think you monitoring what they do on the Internet is a good thing. There are some dangerous people out there and kiddos are the most vulnerable.

    Answer by ajguinn at 2:43 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • Thanks for your honest responses.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • My baby isn't born yet, so I don't have any experience with kids, especially not older ones, but I think it's important to let your kids have control of their own lives. As long as they are not making chronically bad decisions. After all, isn't that what you have raised them to do? I think a lot of the time moms tend to feel the need to nag kids (and husbands, I'm guilty of nagging my husband to death) because they feel that nothing will be done or done correctly otherwise. Your kids might surprise you! Just because they choose an unconventional method of solving a problem doesn't mean it isn't a good method, or the best method for them. Your daughter wants to dye her hair pink and get a mohawk? Remember, it's just hair. She'll get tired of it and it grows back. Good luck!

    Answer by FilteredThought at 2:56 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • wow , you need LET GO, calm down and let your children make their OWN choices, they are their own person, let go of the power over them how would you like some telling you what to do how to do it when to do why they should do it, what to eat, when to go to sleep, YOU WILL GO CRAZY, your children are eventually going to snap. give them space.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:25 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • Sorry, but you need to let them make decisions on their own or when they are adults, they won't know how to and will have issues with everything. It is one thing to set limits and have rules, but it is another to control their lives. Children need to learn how to think for themselves, make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff. Let them be kids and have fun. Have your rules and limits but let them make choices.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 6:20 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • You need to choose your battles and start letting them make their own decisions. You are still in charge of health and safetly (eat your vegetables is ok), responsiblities (do your homework, clean your room), let go of fashion (let thier friends tell them that their shoes don't match).

    Answer by rkoloms at 9:23 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • Totally agree with rkoloms you have to step off a lil bit, sorry to say this to you dear i mean NO disrespect at all but, it kinda sounds like their in boot camp :( It's great to know whats going on in their life but the older they get the more they will hide things from you. my aunt did her daughter the same way shes 37 now been married 5x & hasn't spoken to her mom in 9 yrs. be careful.

    Answer by tntornado45 at 9:38 AM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • I have to agree with the other moms. My girls are 12 and 16. And when they were younger their DR. told me if I made every choice for them when they are adults they won't know how. I think if you make a big deal out of what they eat an eating disorder could be in their future. It is very easy to rebel against a mom who keeps such a close eye on everything. I know your heart is in the right place, but easing up a little would be good. The next few years (teenagers) will be really hard if you don't trust them to do the right thing when you aren't around. Good luck.

    Answer by wallmom1 at 1:55 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • My ds calls me overprotective, really, we only have a few rules and chores and consequences. I don't want to keep nagging, I don't want to be a nag and get all up in his face, he doesn't want that either so he TRIES to follow the simple rules.


    Answer by writeon at 3:01 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

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