Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

If your DH had anger issues and you thought he might hurt you....

My DH has same major anger issues and they seem to be getting worse. He claims his mom had him on anger managment pills when he was younger and he won't take them again. So would you sit him down say take anger management classes and meds or your leave. Or just take the kids and leave. I would like to give fair warning and say you get help or we're outta here but I just don't see it going good. But if I leave I look all heartless because I would be taking my money (which was planned for rent) and leaving, leaving him homeless (really homeless no family or friends to move in with).

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:48 PM on Jun. 27, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • i would sit down and talk to him, if he refuses to see someone and get help and its bad enough for you to want to leave, than i'd leave

    Answer by vabchmommy at 6:50 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I would be upfront and tell him he needs help and it worries you that he has such anger issues. It worries you that he could do something to you or the children. And that if he didn't get help you were going to leave.

    Anger management is a crap shoot though. If he doesn't think he needs the help, it won't make a difference. My ex has MAJOR anger management problems and went to classes (ordered by the court because it excalated to domestic violence). Now he's in jail. He thinks he's fine. I gave him warning and when he didn't do it, I took our son and the apt, and kicked him out.

    Don't feel bad about where he'll go. It's not your problem. If you tell him what you are doing, then the ball is in his court. At that point, it would be his choice.

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 6:54 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I don't think anger management is of much help. What does help is getting to the roots of his anger and dealing with the thing(s) that are making him angry. Most of the time, the suspects are abuse as a child, sexual or otherwise, or he could have had a very controlling mother or an angry father. It could also be that he was never allowed to express his anger when he was a child, and thus has a whole lot of it stored up. It can be overcome, and your husband can be a free man. Instead of being hard on him about it, if you tell him that you want to understand it and help him overcome it, you will likely see some pretty astounding results. That's not to say that you don't speak out against it. Listen for key phrases that he repeats when he is angry. Then ask him to explain more fully what he means by them. Does he often speak of himself as a failure? Can't do anything right? Always messing things up? no good?

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:54 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I would be afraid "sitting him down" and giving out an ultimatum like that would set him off (if he's violent)

    Consult a battered women's shelter for advice.

    If it were me, I would just pack up and leave. Go someplace where I would be safe with my kids and he couldn't find me. I'd call him and say I'd see him in court.

    He has already said he isn't going to manage his anger...he won't give a damn about your ultimatum. It'll just piss him off.


    Answer by Anonymous at 6:58 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • I would tell him get help or it is over. NOONE should live in fear of being hurt. You can't worry about leaving him homeless. If he won't get help that is his fault, and at that time you need to worry about you and your kids before him. If he loves you and wants his family to stay together he will get help. Good luck sweetie.

    Answer by TeriMelisa at 7:00 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • Your husband may be lying to you about being on anger management pills as a kid. I have NEVER heard of anger management pills, ever. I would tell him to get anger management counseling now and if he doesn't, then I would think about leaving to keep myself and my kids safe. You shouldn't have to live in fear of someone else's actions and behaviors.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 7:13 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • yeah I'd tell him get the help he needs or else I'm gone. That way it's his choice and you are not the bad guy

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:24 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • In order for him to change he has to #1 recognize there is a problem and #2 he has to want to to get help/change. If he does not see he has an anger problem and is not inclined to seek treatment then NOTHING is going to get him to do it or stick with it.
    If he has very bad anger/temper-- then it would be a good idea to take the kids and move out. Let him know you and the kids won't be back until he has himself in a therapy program and his temper under control. If he refuses- tell him it is over and you will be filing for divorce. You and the kids should not have to live like that and walk on eggshells unsure if you will say/do anything to set him off. (been there done that know what it is like!!).
    I hope everything works out for you-- good luck!

    Answer by MizLee at 10:57 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.