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More Info - NOT a Question - Just Moving the Discussion Some :)

I am posting this because I was asked for a bit more detail but didn't want to leave it in RainFalls question because she genuinely needs to have the words of wisdom, comfort and encouragement - I jsut felt this needed a "home" of it's own... SO here goes...

This is the post it's in response to and I'll have to continue in "Question" I'm sure...

Answered at 12:15 PM on Jun. 27, 2009 by: frogdawg

AAAMama, you are amazing. What an amazing story and experience to have. And complicated at the same time. Your daughter has lost so much in her life time that it is absolutely amazing that she continues to have support. Bless you for opening your door and heart for her. But, if you can tell us, what of her biological mother? I'm guessing reunification didn't work out so well.

SO - I'm really not so amazing - we just do what we're "called" to do. But thanks :)

Will continue in reply....

Answer Question
 
AAAMama

Asked by AAAMama at 7:46 PM on Jun. 27, 2009 in Adoption

Level 18 (6,173 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • DH and I were houseparents at a Child Care Facility where our 22 y/o dd was in our home. Her younger sister was there with us as well. Biomom for her refused to relinquish rights and kept the 2 middle girls in private placement to avoid further incidences with CPS but wouldn't ever get her life together enough to raise them. We were not able to adopt her and that's the reason we didn't have her with us from age 14 (almost 15) to age 19.

    She went back and lived with biomom, who was still not at a place to raise kids and then our DD ended up homeless - using tons of drugs, and doing who knows what all. She called us when she found out she was pregnant and asked us to take the baby because she knew we'd raise him right and love him just as if we'd given birth to him. She knew because of the relationship we'd had with her. Her biomom ended up shaming her into keeping the baby...

    Continue Again...
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 7:59 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • Basically, Biomom told her if she loved the baby, she'd never allow someone else to have him. DD DOES love him. She always has, that's never been the issue. But she was filled with doubt & changed her mind.

    I was happy for her, because I firmly believe it's best if the birthparent CAN do it, they should. It's best for the child & ALL involved, even though it hurt me at the time. I truly was happy for the effort she was supposed to give. When our son was about 4 mo old, she was arrested & spent 6 months in jail. We began working to get him out of CPS care & after she was released, she opted to move in with us. We all worked for reunification & she opted after he was home to relinquish & we would adopt him. Totally her choice - she DOES love him & felt he was our son.

    DD still has contact with her other mom, but it's not good most of the time.

    I'll give more info if you'd like - just don't want to over-do it. :)
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 8:06 PM on Jun. 27, 2009

  • This really is inspiring to hear your experience. We want to do foster care for an older child and so many of our family members are saying negative things. As in if it isn't a baby then they think we are crazy. Well, that and a lot of other things said to talk us out of it. It pisses me off because I want to know what is it to them exactly. I worked with kids in foster care who had trauma, duh I think I know the challenges that might be around the corner. I also know that I cannot prepare of fully even understand all those potential challenges. But we agreed as a couple that is our next step. The only supportive person is my FIL, who by the way is a pychiatric nurse and worked with children too. So the two adultss (plus my husband) who know first hand what some of the issues are - we are the ones saying it will will be wonderful. The rest are stuck on they want a baby. So my deal with my husband is when a person
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:25 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • (friend or family) is negative they no longer are welcome until they at least change their tune in person. All children in our home will be treated equally why they are with us. So if we adopt they are fully part of our family and if they are here for just a week they are fully part of our family. Period. Anything less than respect for that child and then that person who is not so thrilled is not wanted around us. Healthy and supportive people wanted only. We did do a private infant domestic adoption. And I am so greatful that everyone has accepted my son who is a different race than us. But it turns out babies are what most in our family are concerned about. Our life so it is our choice. I just don't see how, with our current situation, we are the best parents for an infant. I don't believe that is true at this time. To much going on right now. But an older child we can. With our son he had also a lot of
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:29 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • developmental needs that required a lot of intervention services. If we did adopt an infant again it would also be a child who was high risk. Right now I would like to open our home to a child who is older child who may require some interventions but not necessarily the intense services my son needed to thrive. Sorry so long.

    But when I hear moms like you saying how it DID work out and the experience was worth the ups and downs that brings me such faith and hope that it will work for us too.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:32 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

  • TY I don't really think we do what we do because we're different than anyone else - just that it seems to work that this is the life we live. I think we (DH and I) were made to do this.

    Not everyone in our family is agreeable or supportive, either. Some act like our only children are our 12 yr old because she's bio and our 3 yr old because his adoption is final and he came home at only 15 months old. We also have a 7 y/o fost/adopt dd & her 4 month old half sister also fost/hopefully adopt.

    I won't pretend like fostering or adopting older kids is always easy - and it doesn't always feel rewarding - but they need love, too. I wondered before if I'd feel differently about them if they came older or brand new - we got our 4 month old at 2 days and our others were older - I love them ALL the same - even the same as our bio dd. They're mine. I dare anyone to tell me different. :)
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 12:35 PM on Jun. 28, 2009

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