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Husband caught in a cybersex relationship. What would you do?

Last year, I discovered my husband was chatting with a woman from MySpace. He admitted to liking the thrill of it all but claimed it was innocent. I was deeply upset for weeks but we worked through it. Last night, I innocently was looking for family photos and discovered about 10 photos of him naked and him naked looking at another woman online. I confronted him. He admitted to having an online/cybersex relationship with someone from Texas. (Total smut). While discussing all of this he confessed that he has deep sexual issues. He said his older sister molested him when he was 5. She made him have sex with her. I've been married for 11 years with two children and have been "with him" for 19 years. When he confessed this he broke down like I have never witnessed. I don't know how to handle all of this. We need therapy but don't know where to turn. We love each other but I'm crushed and disugsted all the same. I'm a mess. Help.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:08 PM on Jun. 29, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • He has worse issues then an on line fantasy relationship. That is the least of your problems. You need to get him help over what happened to him in the real world. Forget about the online nonsense.
    Chrissy629

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 10:47 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • that is cheating in my book
    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 2:09 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • I'd be furious, and I'd question his abuse. Sorry, but I would. Convenient to turn the situation into him being the victim, IMO. Get counseling.
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 2:10 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • I agree with gramsmom. I would be furious and that is definitely cheating in my book. And I would also question his abuse story. Its sad to say but there are people who would make up something like that to try and "flip" the situation around to make themselves feel like the victim. If you want to work things out, intensive counseling is going to be needed not only for your marriage, but for himself, if in fact, he was abused. Personally, I would not stay with him if I was in your shoes. I would never be able to forgive him and would never be able to fully trust him again and I couldn't live my life constantly wondering what he's REALLY up to. Good luck with whatever you choose to do though.
    Ash9724

    Answer by Ash9724 at 2:14 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • his excuse is bullshit. i was molested growing up by my grandfather.....i was almost raped by my married in uncle (i was able to lockmyself in the bathroom and call my mom) i was raped by a friend. i was abused growing up...now i dont have issues with these anymore. im over them ...but the point is, i know how it feels....I KNOW.........

    and i dont have cyber sex or sleep around etc etc. he is using that as an excuse and a crutch. that is not being a man.

    he fucked up..he cheated. you dont have to f... her in person for it to be cheating. you have to decide if you can trust him now. if you cant...its over.....if you want to try to work it out, i suggest cuonseling

    moki1984

    Answer by moki1984 at 2:16 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • I know just what you mean, I just caught my hubby of 18 years getting off to porn, now I understand some men do and thats fine for them but for me it is degrading, disgusting and it rocked me to my core. He knows this, but still did it anyways, well I came home after just leaving the house and he did not have time to delete it. I took my rings off and left, I am back home and talking to him through text messages but I am still hurt and cant keep anny food down. I told him why it hurt so bad and it was because I was molested by my grandpa growing up because he was not getting his fix from porn anymore, I also had an uncle who was obsessed with porn and forced me too watch and tried to stick his dick in my mouth one night while I was sleeping so yes I have my reasons and seeing what was on the computer screen brought all of those demons back. He knows the whole truth now and doing everything he can to help me move past this..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:18 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • I think you wre asking where to turn and what to do. First you need a marriage counselor and they will point you in the right direction. I know your heart is broken,and you need to try to fix it, so start with that. If you want your marriage to work and not give up, thats where you start.Giving up 19 years is easier said than done. You do what you want and whats right for you 2. If its going seperate ways, or making a go of it , then I wish you luck☺
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 2:24 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • I dont believe the story he told you either, I t may be true but most just withdraw from sex, if you want to work this out he must understand how deeply he hurt you, and it will take time to trust him again IF you can, forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is the bitch. I hope you can work something out, I know how it feels, try to talk to someone if you think that will help, only time will tell. But just know you are not alone in this and no matter what it is not your fault. If he was having problems or not getting what he needed he should have come to you, and if your sex life is like mine I still dont understand why he did it, I am not frigid in the bedroom at all. Sometimes men are stupid and mess up a good thing, most dont understand what they really have until its gone, maybe leaving for a few days or a week will help him understand what he did.
    PS..I am anon at 18 this is just a cont...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • Anon 2:18, email me.
    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 2:57 PM on Jun. 29, 2009

  • Don't accept any excuses if he refuses to get help....if the story is true, he is damaged and needs help. If he is lying he is really messed up and needs help. If he won't get help...you can't be with him either way. At least not if you actually want to be happy!
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 3:42 PM on Jun. 29, 2009