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Can you help me decode these statements please?

My son's father and I split up while I was pregnant. Since then we have continued to sleep together and he'll come stay with us for a night or two but is not consistent. I know I need to break the cycle. I was asking him some questions last night. I asked him if he ever thinks about how good things could be as a family. He said "Yes, I think about it but I also know myself so I don't let my imagination cloud my reality." I was confused what he meant and asked him what he meant and if he means he thinks what we have between us may be fake. He said "No, but I know how I am and I got too much to lose to make that a bad situation." He has told me before he's not good enough for me. He's not the most honest guy (lots of girls) & has hurt me a lot in the past. Do you think he means he's scared of screwing up? I asked him to clarify but he ignored me. I love him and want to give our son a chance at a normal life. Should I give up?


Asked by Anonymous at 10:37 AM on Jun. 30, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • It sounds to me like he's saying that yes, he thinks about what it could be like to make a family with you, but that he knows that he can't/won't do what he would need to do to make it happen. Sounds like he knows he won't stop doing the things he does that are preventing you guys from being fully together, and he doesn't want to hurt you. I have to say, though, and this is not to judge, but I don't think continuing to sleep with him is the best way to get him to come back. If you really want to be with him, you need to cut him off, make him really think about what he is missing, not just the sex, but all of it. As long as he has you waiting to welcome him to your bed, he may never change. If he loses out on you completely, he may (if he's going to at all) come to realize what he had in you and then make the effort. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 10:41 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • Sounds to me like he's purposely trying to confuse you because all he wants out of you is a fuck buddy, but he doesn't mind stringing you along to make you think there could be more. KICK HIM TO THE CURB.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • Sounds like he just doesn't want to be "tied" down and isn't wanting anymore of a relationship with you then he has. Right now he has it pretty darn good, he can come over and play house with you or go out and do whatever he wants and doesn't have to explain anything to you, you said it yourself you guys split up. He is enjoying having the best of both worlds. You need to break the cycle and if he wont commit then you need to cut him off and move on, he can still see his child but you need to find someone who wants the same things as you so you can be happy. Sounds tough but true, Sorry!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • He has a good thing going. You are in his bed and he can sleep with other people. I would drop him and move on with my life. He will always be in it as a parent to your child and you should keep things on good terms with him for your child but I would not sleep with him and let him know you are done.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • Tropicalmama, how could you even suggest her actually taking this guy back if he DOES come back saying he wants to commit??? This guy obviously isn't going to change his ways, but it looks like he'd be willing to lie his ass off to her, and that will end up hurting her more when she finds out down the road that he's still a womanizing asshole.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:47 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • It's a combination of two things with this guy. He's extremely weak and has no will power and so he's probably very impulsive. It's hard for him to say no to the things he shouldn't be doing. The second thing is that it's hard for him to give up a certain lifestyle. He's too into his lifestyle. Cutting him off absolutely and completely is the only thing that will capture his attention. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

    Answer by lowencope at 11:03 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • I know you think you want to give your child a normal life. If the guy is telling you he is no good then you really need to believe him. You can not save him and make him a good daddy and husband, trust me been there done that. I am now divorced with a wonderful husband that wants to be with me and my kids.Its just that we love our kids so much we want to protect them from hurt. Good luck

    Answer by 2kidsand1mom at 11:04 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • OP here-Anon :47 I can see where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel he will never change his ways. Before he would never tell me he was conficted, he would just make me think everything was great then hit me with a load. So, in some ways I feel he has gained respect for me but in other ways not.

    I would love nothing more than to do this as a family for our son but I will not let this cycle continue.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:08 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • OP here-you guys are right. I do need to cut him off. He has it all now, perfect man's world.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • "He said "Yes, I think about it but I also know myself so I don't let my imagination cloud my reality." I'd take this to mean we all think of the fairy tale life of living happily ever after but reality is not a fairy tale. He knows the relationship isn't built on a firm foundation. It's sex. He probably likes you but not in love with you. He likes what he as with you (screw buddy, someone who cares about him yet not committed so he has freedom to live his single life with other women) and doesn't want to screw that up. He's selfish and if you can, I agree that you should cut him loose. he's using you. Make sure you make him responsible for the child he created and file for child support. He doesn't need to be given THAT much freedom (from responsibility)

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:15 AM on Jun. 30, 2009