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Can this help our marriage??

My husband and I decided to separate after 5 years of marriage. We are in a very bad place right now, fighting in front of the kids, etc. I initiated the separation because i am just too emotionally drained to go on right now. We have 2 children and I don't think this environment is good for them, however, I'm concerned how they will be affected by Dad not being in the home. Neither one of us is ready for a divorce. Ultimately that's not what I want. Has anyone been through this before? what was the outcome? This is really hard!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:05 PM on Jun. 30, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • I've been married 44 1/2 years. There have been lots of rough spots, hurts and disappointments. We raised three children who turned out really well, and we never separated. We did not fight in front of our children. The problems between us were not their fault and so, we never involved them in any of our disagreements. You don't have to fight in front of your children. I personally believe that the disagreements are the major way that a couple grows together and that you have a better chance of that happening when you live together instead of when you live apart. What you have is two very selfish individuals who each wants their own way about every little thing. It's just like two children squabbling over a toy. Somebody has to learn to give in to the wishes of the other persons. Hopefully, it will not always be the same one who gives in. It takes a lifetime for two people to become one, but it can be done.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:14 PM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • I am not speaking from experience on the relationship side, but rather the child's side, and I say kudos to you for making this decision.
    I can only imagine how difficult it is, but the fact that you have decided to no longer fight in front of the children and do what is necessary to fix your marriage deserves nothing but the highest praises. Take some time for yourself, collect your thoughts, soothe your soul. Its what you need right now.
    So long as the children are still seeing their father and you two are being civil in front of them, they will be fine. Just let them know that this is temporary, and reassure them that they did nothing wrong.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 10:16 PM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • Whether or not you stay together, you should have couples counseling, either with a clergyperson or couples' therapist.

    Answer by rkoloms at 10:20 PM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • NannyB. Thanks for your response ....44 1/2 years is impressive...what's your secret? I would stay but he's emotionally abusive. How much can one take? I love him, i just wish he would acknowledge our issues so we can deal with them. Instead, he wants to brush everything under the carpet and blame me for everything. We're never going to get anywhere this way.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:26 PM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • I think you should work it out for the kids by getting counseling and put god in your life if you haven't already. It's not healthy for kids to see their parents fighting and argueing in front of them. It's good to separate for a while but remain faithful to you marriage so it can get better for the whole family. Hopes it works out!

    Answer by witness833 at 10:52 PM on Jun. 30, 2009

  • I'm married to a guy like that. It's draining, but I just ride the waves of the storm. He's just a bad communicator so I try to let the kids know the difference between grown up's acting like a baby or talking to people the right way. Maybe I'm blind or still a little immature, but so far so good...I guess. I'm a chicken to leave unless he sets it in stone that that's what he wants like divorce papers. His words are mean, but his actions are selflessand loving. It always passes the less I react to it. You know what you're strong enough to handle. I say, if your separated already it's worth moving on. You know he won't change. Actions speak louder than words. You've already said good-bye. Let him see you happy, I say.

    Answer by hermajesty2 at 1:03 PM on Jul. 1, 2009

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