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moral dilemma!

would you tell your sister if her 13 year old daughter was having sex?
my niece confided in me and i have given her an ultimatum to tell her mom by sunday or i will tell her myself. i feel she is too young to be making adult decisions and she should face the consequences of her actions. i told her if she fesses up herself, i will be there for moral support. but god, i feel like if she would get pregnant or an std, i would be partly responsible. i cant even sleep because of this. i still remember the day she came home from the hospital. she is an honors student, extremely athletic, beautiful, and seriously is so NOT attention deprived. she goes to church and attends all the functions. i cried when she told me because she just has so much potential. what is your take on this??? she said she is scared of losing my sis's trust, cell phone...but not scared to lose the big V, i asked her???

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:45 AM on Jul. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (11)
  • Be thankful that she trusts you enough to come to you. Don't lose her trust now by going and telling her Mom, then IF she does, God forbid, get pg or and STD, she will be able to come to you and you can help her work it out. You may try talking to her about WHY she is having sex, is it because she wants to or is she caving under pressure? Hopefully she will come to her senses and wait until she is older, but be there for her now.

    Answer by kustomkrochet at 7:54 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • im trying so hard to think that way...but she knows how me and my sister are- bestfriends...and she said it was pressure, but i told her she should have never been in a position with her pants down in the first place, since if her pants were up, she could have easily left. she did not dispute my accusations. we are such an open family...and my sister was a teenage mom at 16. i cant see my niece in that same situation in 3 more years. im thinking she knows what she did was wrong, but my own boyfriend has been telling me to get her in check for months and i kept telling him he was crazy- now i know he was right. we fear for her. we want her to be a kid. i feel that freedom should be taken away, which is very little in the first place. i have had an abortion, i know the guilt can be very consuming...i just want something better for her. and to not have to make difficult choices for being young and stupid.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:05 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • If I were your sister, I'd be very thankful if you would tell me that my child is having sex. Why worry about her trusting you and just WAIT til she gets pregnant or an STD. You'll still feel guilty...but hey she still trusts you right? I think you're doing the right thing. She at least needs her mom to put her on some birth control.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:06 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • You did the right thing (in my opinion). You are giving her the chance to fess up to her mother on her own but if she dosent will do it yourself. Either way her mother is getting told which is what needs to happen. Yeah there will be a price to pay for all of this but I def think u did whats right. Just make sure to follow through & tell ur sis if she dosent fess up & tell her what the deal was that she had to tell u by sunday but didnt so now ur stepping in.

    Answer by Mel30248 at 8:11 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • She came to you because she trusted you. In the future if she has a problem, you will no longer be on the list of people she can trust. She'll either deal the problem on her own or she will turn to her friends which may guide her in the wrong direction.

    Answer by LinFul at 8:50 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • As the PPs say, lucky she trusts you and for an older teen where you might be able to reason she thought it through and is using BC, maybe you should keep it for yourself, but there is a big difference in that she is 13 years old and clearly immature about why she started having sex in the first place.

    Do you think you can reason your sister to understand it is important she doesn't overract, or her DD will not come to you in the future?

    I'd certainly tell your sister, but both of you have to keep in mind you cannot UNDO the fact that she has had sex at 13 and for all the wrong reasons - it's going to take alot of support for her to understand she should change her behaviour, etc. I don't think you will stop her by brute force, but by encouragement and asking her to think through the consequences, etc.

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 11:20 AM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I hope that you are not my sister...

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:51 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I just want to point out that having teen sex is not the worst thing in the long as they are using protection every time...

    I know/knew plenty of teens who had sex and were still smart/successful/etc....

    She came to you because she trusts you, don't break that trust...

    Make sure that she is being safe and has a prescription for the Pill

    Answer by Mousuke at 7:44 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • Maybe you could offer to talk together with her mom?

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:49 AM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • Maybe she told you knowing you would tell her mom! Maybe she knows she needs her mom to know what she is doing, but she just doesn't want to be the one to tell her. Maybe she is afraid of her mom's reaction. I think you did the right thing. You gave her a set time for her to do the right thing and tell her mother herself. Since you made the ultimatum 'or I will' then that is exactly what you have to do! If she has not told her mother by Sunday, you have to tell her yourself. Maybe ask your niece if she would like to be present. Tell her you will be there with her when she tells her mom if she wants you to be there. Tell her if she is going to be making grown up decisions she needs to be grown up enough to handle what may come from those decisions. If she is doing something she can't tell her mother about, then she isn't mature enough to be doing those things! You must be a great influence on her! Keep it up.


    Answer by SimplyLaine at 5:05 AM on Jul. 3, 2009

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